It’s been a hot minute gang. Hope all is well in the interwebs and with you.
I’m currently listing to Cindy Lauper’s “True Colors”. Very interesting song choice.
So where we last left off, the heroine was recovering from a stroke. For some reason, I felt the need to try to express what was happening in real time. And as I continue to recover, my doctors and nurses are amazed on how aware I was during it.
The complexity of the emotions I felt, and continue to feel..sometimes are quite overwhelming. I finally had to give in and let myself feel them. They can be small and fleeting, or so large, that I have to just ride them out. Sometimes, I just have to roll into a ball in bed, and cry it out.
It seems like I lost the whole month of April. I had to shut down for a bit. I had to try to find what “normal” is for me now. Ironically “normal” kept changing. In a strange way, I felt like I was watching some bizarre dream, and felt like a stranger in a strange land.
For a long time, I didn’t want to be near strangers. I was still tripping up on words and it made me very self conscience. So, I self isolated a lot. With friends and loved ones, I could say “stroke” and we would all get it. I didn’t want to explain to “new people” the whole deal. Once again I am dealing with an invisible illness with zero outward signs of anything wrong.
For April,my brain hurt. Literally hurt. And horrible headaches. And I would tire very easily. My Mom threw a huge Eclipse party, and the thought just overwhelmed me. I enjoyed it by myself with a cat or two, and my neighbor’s chickens roaming around (yes, wandering chickens 🐓) It was peaceful, almost spiritual. And deeply moving and had a huge impact on me. My sweet doctor said that I seemed peaceful with my stroke. And I was….until my Neurological appointment a week later. I cried through the whole appointment.
*see emotions a few paragraphs up*
May.. well usually I am a birthday brat and lurrvvveee the whole month of May. This year, meh… I just wanted a small family get together. And honestly, if I could have gotten out of it,I totally would. Now don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to see another trip around thes sun, and thankful every day. But it was very overwhelming.
And now that I am approaching the 3 month mark, I still have to remind myself that my brain is literally rewireing itself.
I did start back to work, and navigating that. And I still cannot watch a lot of TV, I still have some light and motion sensitivity. Of course it doesn’t help that husband watches boxing, Or bare knuckle fighting or other things that send my brain into over drive… *side eye at him*
We know how my stroke happened, but we still don’t know exactly why it happened. And I am just about to end the ‘danger zone’ time wise. It seems 3 months is the magic number for safety. And what people don’t understand or realize *coughhusbandcough* that a stroke is a traumatic brain injury. And when I realize that, it seemed so much more daunting. No wonder why I feel like a stranger in a strange land.
