So the gummies kicked in and I have thoughts! (the one where JoElla is stoooooooned)

 I had to stop the other post.   Since I have discovered “adult” gummies, I tend to become very philosophical.  And the other post wasn’t this type of vibe. This one is rambling and easy flowing with no direction.   

What I’m listening to right now.. is a new to me Artist named Kina.  It’s  kind of jazzy, with R n B and a twisty cool emo’ish late night, grown up vibe.  

I love it when Spotify throws a cool artist at me. And if the discription of Kina’s music, then look him up on Spotify  and trust me, scroll to the “this is Kina” icon, and give it a listen.  

Finally, my shoulders feel some release. And I can pop my neck by twisting it from side to side. And my mind has slowed way down.  And more playful thoughts are able to come forward.  I love it when my analytical side of my brain slows  down, and my creative side takes over. It feels light, it feels dreamy, it feels flowing.  It feels free.

*crap!!  I feel a  bit snacky*

You know, if  you squint and unfocus your eyes,  husband and I look like a normal couple. I you zoom out and take the roof off, you will see people going through the motions.  And if you look really hard, you will notice the NPCs are never ever affectionate with each other.

No hugs, no kisses.  Nothing.

Polite words exchanged, but nothing is ever really said.  That’s the price I pay for peace. See, as long as I don’t bring anything real, or god forbid complain, the charade continues.  I would like to state, there isn’t any physical violence,  just emotional warfare.

I can feel myself falling into a comfortable state, one that even could have a flicker of hope, crawl into bed and let him hold me..

*how am I still not smoking?!?!?!?  I  really wanna smoke*

I look at him, and he looks like the man I did love.  He looks like the man who loved me.

Because if he loved me, heck if he really liked me, he would do something.  Anything.

There was never a real conversation about leaving me at the hospital.  No  “I’m sorry”

Damn it! 

DAMN IT 

DAMN IT

DAMN IT

This whole ‘I’m stuck in hell’ situation, wow… Daddy issues, major daddy issues are here and not going away for a while.  Wow!  Seriously,  I cannot  believe, that it hasn’t hit me until now  holy shit.. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!

I restarted this creative and a quasi therapeutic outlet.  A place to organize my thoughts so I can re-read them and have them make since.  its been a  year.  I started again on father’s birthday.  Time .  Wow.. All ready!?

A lot of shit went down in a  year.

I feel like if I was watching a movie, I would be like ‘No fucking way dude!” But alas, it’s my life.

I have to be honest,  I really did have hope. I had it till you left me at the hospital.

Even though I want out,  and all of the  hurt, and all off the low blows you have become so  swift with, the unforgivable words you have hurled at me…  It still  hurts like hell, knowing that you don’t love me either.

*deep breath in*  *deep breath out*

That felt good letting it out.  I an own it now, and can learn to move  through it.  And now you will have to learn to live without me.

I have decided on a new thing to  do.  When someone I know pops into my head,  and  I have a great memory I want  to let them know I was thinking of them, and remind them of the memory.  Life short, why not?

I have also decided to go do fun things, even if it is by myself.  There will be a few new art shows soon, and a stomp on grapes type thing at a local vineyard.   Why not? I  get to  do things I want to do, and build some much needed confidence.

I’m going to finish things  around the house, so when it is time  to sell, we can get a good price.

I’m going to find a local Al-Anon, because I have to be honest with myself, because husband is an alcoholic.and I need some guidance for myself.

Find out why my head is becoming like Swiss cheese and learn to prevent it from happening ever again!

Start back at work.  

Hire a shark in a suit to  handle the divorce.

It’s time to get things going, even if my brain is becoming Swiss cheese.

I need more  play, I  need more  silly, and I need more fun. I need to be near people.

I need to quit being scared of talking with people.  I need to  just say, ‘sorry I had a few strokes’ and continue with the conversations 

I need to be me again.  I  don’t think I have truly been her, since before the  stroke, time to find  her.

Thank you internet friends.   Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, and thank you for  letting me ramble on and on, seeing things that I  needed to see. And thank you for letting my happy stoned self get quite philosophical.

Chatty girl issues (the one where JoElla is having a speaking problem, and other rando thoughts)

 Yup.  

Tis true.

I have noticed the last few days when I am speaking. My words are not flowing like they should be.  They get caught up, and hang on each other.  They stumble and pause.  It is becoming a chore to verbalize what I want and need to say.  It’s not like when I first became sick with Rona, or even with a MECFS diagnosis.  Then I could at least use adverbs and adjectives to try to describe what in the hell I am trying to say.  Now I just stumble. I am using sounds like “umm” a lot.  A lot a lot.  And pause a lot.  Like a lot a lot. So much that even husband noticed.  And he never notices things.

I did notice that this last round of strokes my language ability isn’t working as well.   But when I was able to calm my nervous system again,  and let my brain calm back down, it wasn’t as bad, and dare I say back to normal.

Nothing really stressful has occurred, and lately, that is something I don’t get to say often. I did have 2 really bad insomniac days, but have slept since. So I don’t think that could be it.  I  did start a new medication from my  Long Covid Specialist, but the randomness of it isn’t consistent to be tied back to a new medication. Eating?  I’m doing better, no longer queasy and have an appetite.

I’d be a liar if  I  told you I wasn’t a wee bit worried. I’d be a liar if  I say I am not scared.  To be honest, I’m worried. Very worried. 

See friends, I have noticed that I am self isolating again.  I’m using the fact that Middle Cherub needs to use my car, a reason not to leave the house.  And  the fact that husband is  working later and later, my daily conversations isn’t all that much.  And talking with my cats, well that’s easy!

So I need to try to figure out which ailment is  causing it?  Could it be due to the strokes I have had in my left  front  lobe?  Could it be a kick in the pants Long Covid kicking me in the pants?  LC doesn’t like stress at all. Like not at all, at all.  A MECFS crash?  An Epstein Barr reactivated?  A yet another new issue?

Ironically I can read, write, and sing just fine.  My train of thoughts seem normal.  But (isn’t there always) if I try to find a picture of a word in my mind to describe a word that I am having a hard time trying to communicate, my mind just stops. Comes to a complete stop.  Like do not pass go stop.   And then just like that, its working again.

So my new Long Covid Specialist wants to know why I am having strokes.  And recommend that I get another heart monitor session through my Neurologist.  Good thing  I have an appointment on Tuesday.   Yippy!!  No seriously,  we do need to figure out the why’s.  

We could go into the rabbit hole, because my health decline started on March 2nd 2020..

I’ve always been fascinated by the brain, even more so now. I’ve become my very own science experiment.