Gallbladders of past come back (The one where JoElla’s liver nearly explodes, and now.. she pissed)

 Hello internet friends.  I know, I know I scampered away again.  And per usual, back in the hospital. But hey, good news, not a stroke this time!!  WHOO HOO!!!!!

My Liver nearly took me out this time.  WHAAAAAAAATTTTT!?

Yep, my friends, the Rona phase one strikes again!! And possibly my phantom gallbladder kicked a stone.  Did y’all know that they leave the gallbladder duct, and it dumps into the intestines, anywho it can kick a stone.  What what  what?? They think that happened, or I had something called “Shock liver” Yep that’s a real thing.  All I know is,  it hurt like a mother fucker!! My liver enzymes were near 900, and the pain meds at urgent care, the drugs there, couldn’t help, so off to hospital I go. Thankfully 2 days in hospital, and a fuck tonne of meds finally home. That kicked my ass big time.  It kicked me into a MECFS?EBV crash.

Oh yes and before that,  I spoke to my new Long Covid Specilalist and we needed to know why I keep getting strokes.So I had to. Put a heart monitor. On me.  Well that wasn’t an accurate read, because I kept pressing it while dry heaving.  So now I have this nifty one that rips off my skin, and makes my under boob hurt. And I get to wear this new one for a month, and if it shows nothing, I get a thingy put in my chest. It will be left in for 3 years.  This will record any strange rhythms. See we need to rule out AFIB for my strokes.  (Personally I think a whole lot of dear husband attacking out of the blue threatening me with divorce after told him I wanted one ALL THE DAMN TIME, and the constant stress that his dumb ass would choke to death, or the other shitty things done by him *coughthrowmyfatherinmyfacecough*

Well hell… ain’t that a bitch.

BUT WAIT!! THERE IS MORE FOLKS I also found out that I can never, ever be off my statain meds,  for the rest of my life.   And if I am a good little medical mess I won’t have to be put on the big guns of blood thinners.  <half ass trying to muster enthusiasm *yeaaaayyy*>

So as you can read, Ive been smacked around by life.  And speaking of life thank everything that is holy, Pluto finally leaves Capricorn on November 19th. GET OUTTA MY LIFE YOU DAMN SEA GOAT!!    You suck!!  Your transit started with my kidney cancer and you nearly exploded my liver. (The transit, not. The sea goat)

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE!!!

Dear husband has gleefully told me he can’t wait to be single. Okay, that hurt, hurt a lot. And apparently I have now morphed into this evil woman for the last 30 years. <wut?>.  

I want to cry that my only crime internet friends..  Was becoming sick.  Trust me, I sure as hell didn’t want to play round on of the covid games… I didnt’want a “post secondary infection”.  I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want everything dormant in my system coming to light.  I didn’t want my heart to act up, I didn’t want to to have strokes.  I didn’t want to have my life implode..

I didn’t want to have old fiancés picture show up in my life, I didn’t want to wonder, and dare I say hope. I didn’t want to find the answer if you have’t been thinking about me.  I know it was a safe fantasy, and it allowed me to remember what love feels like.  I had to confront some heavy things about my choices that the 18 year old made, and allowed to be influenced and bullied.  I could have done things differently, but I didn’t. I have had to learn to forgive that damaged girl, that lost girl, that girl that has learned a lot.  And he made choices as well, and could have done things differently as well. He could have found me.  Even though I knew I would have to be the one who found him. And I don’t want  to mess up my karma that way.  Going to war and end my way out of this fucking marriage, yep that’s a karma I will mess with.  But never wanting to.

And on another tangent,  I need not to keep trying to find the good.   Because there just isn’t any left in hum.  I need to make sure that he isn’t anyone I recognize, and quit trying. I need to remember that he isn’t who I loved anymore.  His inner light, he snuffed out.  Mine still trying to burn bright.

Hard to believe a year ago, I was  ready, so ready, and now, I feel small, and scared.  And I also know I just need to ride this for a bit, take a moment and gather my wits and push forward.  I need to clean up this messy portion of my life.  That way, I can jump in both feet and both eyes open.

So the gummies kicked in and I have thoughts! (the one where JoElla is stoooooooned)

 I had to stop the other post.   Since I have discovered “adult” gummies, I tend to become very philosophical.  And the other post wasn’t this type of vibe. This one is rambling and easy flowing with no direction.   

What I’m listening to right now.. is a new to me Artist named Kina.  It’s  kind of jazzy, with R n B and a twisty cool emo’ish late night, grown up vibe.  

I love it when Spotify throws a cool artist at me. And if the discription of Kina’s music, then look him up on Spotify  and trust me, scroll to the “this is Kina” icon, and give it a listen.  

Finally, my shoulders feel some release. And I can pop my neck by twisting it from side to side. And my mind has slowed way down.  And more playful thoughts are able to come forward.  I love it when my analytical side of my brain slows  down, and my creative side takes over. It feels light, it feels dreamy, it feels flowing.  It feels free.

*crap!!  I feel a  bit snacky*

You know, if  you squint and unfocus your eyes,  husband and I look like a normal couple. I you zoom out and take the roof off, you will see people going through the motions.  And if you look really hard, you will notice the NPCs are never ever affectionate with each other.

No hugs, no kisses.  Nothing.

Polite words exchanged, but nothing is ever really said.  That’s the price I pay for peace. See, as long as I don’t bring anything real, or god forbid complain, the charade continues.  I would like to state, there isn’t any physical violence,  just emotional warfare.

I can feel myself falling into a comfortable state, one that even could have a flicker of hope, crawl into bed and let him hold me..

*how am I still not smoking?!?!?!?  I  really wanna smoke*

I look at him, and he looks like the man I did love.  He looks like the man who loved me.

Because if he loved me, heck if he really liked me, he would do something.  Anything.

There was never a real conversation about leaving me at the hospital.  No  “I’m sorry”

Damn it! 

DAMN IT 

DAMN IT

DAMN IT

This whole ‘I’m stuck in hell’ situation, wow… Daddy issues, major daddy issues are here and not going away for a while.  Wow!  Seriously,  I cannot  believe, that it hasn’t hit me until now  holy shit.. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!

I restarted this creative and a quasi therapeutic outlet.  A place to organize my thoughts so I can re-read them and have them make since.  its been a  year.  I started again on father’s birthday.  Time .  Wow.. All ready!?

A lot of shit went down in a  year.

I feel like if I was watching a movie, I would be like ‘No fucking way dude!” But alas, it’s my life.

I have to be honest,  I really did have hope. I had it till you left me at the hospital.

Even though I want out,  and all of the  hurt, and all off the low blows you have become so  swift with, the unforgivable words you have hurled at me…  It still  hurts like hell, knowing that you don’t love me either.

*deep breath in*  *deep breath out*

That felt good letting it out.  I an own it now, and can learn to move  through it.  And now you will have to learn to live without me.

I have decided on a new thing to  do.  When someone I know pops into my head,  and  I have a great memory I want  to let them know I was thinking of them, and remind them of the memory.  Life short, why not?

I have also decided to go do fun things, even if it is by myself.  There will be a few new art shows soon, and a stomp on grapes type thing at a local vineyard.   Why not? I  get to  do things I want to do, and build some much needed confidence.

I’m going to finish things  around the house, so when it is time  to sell, we can get a good price.

I’m going to find a local Al-Anon, because I have to be honest with myself, because husband is an alcoholic.and I need some guidance for myself.

Find out why my head is becoming like Swiss cheese and learn to prevent it from happening ever again!

Start back at work.  

Hire a shark in a suit to  handle the divorce.

It’s time to get things going, even if my brain is becoming Swiss cheese.

I need more  play, I  need more  silly, and I need more fun. I need to be near people.

I need to quit being scared of talking with people.  I need to  just say, ‘sorry I had a few strokes’ and continue with the conversations 

I need to be me again.  I  don’t think I have truly been her, since before the  stroke, time to find  her.

Thank you internet friends.   Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, and thank you for  letting me ramble on and on, seeing things that I  needed to see. And thank you for letting my happy stoned self get quite philosophical.

Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.

Gotta love a SUPER MOON!! (The one where JoElla might be a tad angry and howls at the moon)

 It’s Super Moon Ya’ll!!  And Luna is  shaking things up!!  She is busting loose things that are stagnant, blocked and other energies that are trapped, and need to move the hell on.

And I am listing to George Michael’s Freedom!   So, so damn fitting!   

Earlier today, I just felt off, just felt frazzled, and discombobulated.  Antsy and jumpy and couldn’t navigate up, down, or even sideways.  On the verge of tears, or wanting to yell.  It felt like I need to scream, let out this primal guttural yell.  Something deep down inside of me needed out.

Now Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians singing What I AM now.

‘Shove me in the shallow water, before I get too deep’  

Am I getting too deep? Dunno.  Do I want to go back into the shallow water?  Dunno.   

Lets break down that lyric..  Shallow water, could mean many different things.  Could it be safe?  Stable? Comfortable?  Or has it become stagnant, and never changing?

The deep.  Could be dangerous, could be new and exciting.  Or it could mean  there is the ‘unknown’.   But is the unknown always meant to be scary?  I find it exhilarating!!  I think I like the deep water.  It is calm, cool and still. I can float on my back, look at the moon and breathe.  Finally breathe.

Heads up, I feel rambly and wandery.

And now back on point. 

So, as  I mentioned prior, my marriage has been weird.  Like ‘did I warp into  another dimension type  weird. Everything looks the same, but things are very different.   I mean, I was still roaming around being me, but  the players were all acting different.  I  did mention I did  feel like  a ghost in my marriage.  And  that I decided enough, I’m done, tap me out. 

And then a photo.  Me and a first love.  The first man I ever loved.  And that reminded me all of the things 

  I miss passion, I miss the flutter my heart would feel. (When your heart STOPS  skipping a beat folks,  thee fat lady has sung) I missed the inside jokes, I missed kisses on the back of the neck. I missed a nibble on the neck.  I missed  sharing good news, I missed conversation, I  missed enjoying being near them, and enjoying them.  Hugging, a touch, sex.  Love?

And then I realized all of the things I missed, and a bazillion more, were things that are missing in my marriage. When did it leave?  I am unsure.  Maybe when I was so sick, so weak, and couldn’t even get off the couch. Maybe when you told  me stay on the couch for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, maybe when you didn’t wrap me up  in a blanket, and rushing me  to urgent care?

Maybe when I was bed bound,  and couldn’t think clearly?  When I was so weak, I was sleeping 16 hours a day?   Was it when I could barely drive to yet another doctors appointment? Was it when I couldn’t retain any new information?  Or when I couldn’t remember words?  Or maybe when I spent months, MONTHS!  Speaking in half sentences, only thinking I was conversing normally.   Only to  realize that the other part of the thought was only in my head.  Maybe it was when I read the same paragraph for 45 minutes.

Or maybe when my body was attacking itself.  When my immune system was total haywire?  Or maybe it was when my spinal column was swollen, and my nerves were on fire,   Or maybe the love ran off, while I  would  be awoken in the middle of the nigh, crying, shaking, and soaking wet, due to muscle tenderness and pain, and skeletal pain, a pain that felt like a sledge hammer hitting my femurs over and over again?

Maybe when I  had to demand a new bed, one I could actually get some sleep in, stretch out, be comfortable, and moved it  into my now permanent bedroom 

Maybe it left when I began to collect Doctors and Specialists like Pokémon cards?  Maybe when I had to have the first of many, many CT scans and nerve conduction tests?  Maybe it snuck out while getting countless rounds of bloodwork and vials and vials of blood.

And that folks was only the first 6 months.

Or maybe they left when I told you how scared I was, or maybe they ran off, because even all things are scared of  hematologist oncologists.

*this is when  I really don’t have a partner…*

Our hematologist oncologist. The very one who helped save you.  The one who knows us, knows me.  He. Is truly family.  The  man who explained how very sick I was.  The man who let my cry, as I told him all the symptoms. The man who knew my mind was once lightning fast and  could recall the slightest detail.  Knowing that I had zero issues communicating.  And now he got to see me struggling to find words.  Struggling to get a point across, or asking questions.  Now he is telling me he felt something odd in my right breast. And my lymph nodes are very swollen. And the pain in my right breast could  be due to the nodes.  And due to me falling, and my cognitive issues and being dizzy and lightheaded for months we need to do 2 MRI’s  One to rule out breast cancer, and the other one…

The  other one to check for  a past brain bleed, swelling, shrinkage and blockage.  For masses, tumors, cancer. Kidney cancer likes to pop up in the brain.  And I am a Kidney Cancer Survivor.  ( oh wait kids, it gets worse)!

I’ve been haunted from that ghost for 12 years.  Was it time to pay for those 12 years?  

Then, he told me more bloodwork, he wants a deeper dive of the mess that is now my blood.

He wants to rule out all blood born illnesses, rule out  the leukemias. Rule out other blood cancers.  Check for more infections.  Including  HIV and Aids (no worries kids, that is actually pretty standard for MECFS) 

Oh yes, he wants the MRI’s  ASAP.  Well, that is never good.  So he makes sure I understand (yes) any questions (nope got  it) and gives me a hug, and said “i got you, don’t worry ok” (love that man so!)

I luck out and able to get a single appointment for  both MRI’s in a few days. On a Friday, I call my husband tell him all about it, and just  about  to tell him why I need a brain MRI.. he interrupted me, asked the date, then said “we are supposed to go out  of town THAT  day.  And how he is allowed to be disappointed about  not going blah blah fuckity blah..

Umm..

Yeah.

Ouch….just  fucking ouch.

Huge figh,  no he didn’t take me to that appointment, and on the way I removed him from my emergency contact list for all of my doctors.  Took enough Xanax to knock giraffe out, daughter drove me to the appointment.  No, husband did not check in on me, took off early the next day for a day trip with daughter.. acts fine on Sunday.

You know writing this out, looking over this.. damn, that’s some  messed up shit.you did me dirty husband.. you really did me dirty

Now  earlier this evening.. husband cannot remember the booted one (my BFF, had foot surgery) had surgery, welp, only told you 4 times…not my fault you don’t listen, or are too damn drunk to remember..

Then I’m told that I always say ‘I told you 3 times’ (some  reason 3 was the magic number) and I don’t think you really do.. I think you are doing it to make me crazy he said.. *wut?!?!*  

Remember, all day, things just seemed off, the energies were super charged and crazy..and at that very moment, I feel the air become electric. I swear sparks would fly out of my fingers if I willed  it…

I told him I am not going  to to fight with him,  and turn around to walk away, and he said he has had enough and wants a divorce.

In that very moment,  the energy changes, things  immediately felt calmer, the pressure is finally gone.

I look him in the eye and said “so do I” and grab my purse, tell him I need cream for  my coffee and leave.

It’s out there universe..  

I needed to really dig deep universe.  I really needed to have that primordial scream.  And the stuck parts…finally flowing away from me.

I feel so much more emotionally and mentally lighter.

Because no matter how he act (I’m betting  on pretending it did’t happen.. gotta love the I don’t remember bullshit excuse)  I’m betting nothing will change for him,  He will continue to be a functioning alcoholic and I am less and less bogged down, and a whole lot  free.

Started this post with  the song Freedom! And the last song I am  listening  to.. “I’m not Mad” by Halsey very befitting 

I really should send that old love of mine,  a quick note, letting him know how much he helped even if it was just his image.