I swear, ever time a comet comes close to Earth, my life becomes total chaotic, out of synch, and a bazillion different feels. Things just become shaken, rattled and upturned. Things that I thought I would never do, becomes doable. (Good, bad and ugly) And usually if I have neglected to take stock of my life, edit my life, discard things no longer working in my life, add more of what is working in my life, and basically take deep, hard look at my life….a comet will force this hand on me.
From all the way back from Gobekli Tepe times to current. Comets have been thought of as harbingers of bad things, precursors to pandemics and other natural disasters. Now on the flip side of this, they can also be seen as harbingers of good things. Also it can mean a rebirth, a new start. Your basic ‘shake up the birdcage’ get your house in order.
Ever since March 2nd of 2020, my life has been bitchslapped by the Rona, and now in September 2023, I feel like I am finally exiting the fog. FINALLY!! After years of medical testing, and more testing, and scary scary testing, and finally a few diagnosis and just putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to survive. The slow climb back up to normal, and finally feeling like I am as back as I can be (Doh!! Sounds tres dramatic, but kinda accurate) I look back into my life and wonder WHAT THE HELL!?!?! I see the aftermath of my life. I’ve been in. GIRL DOWN! GURRRRRLLLLLLL DOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN mode, progressing finally to dust my self off GURRRLL GONNA BE OKAY but may crash mode….. This green comet is right on time.
I see where I lost my power, I see where I lost my strength (mentally and physically). I see where my body said no more. I see where I should have stood my ground but unable to. I see where I excelled at being my own advocate. A lot of word salad, but that is what happened. In a strange way, my illness was like a cocoon, a forced time out, a forced time where I had to focus on me. They say ‘make sure to take care of your health, or your health will force you to take care of it’ actually is very true.
I lost my job, unable to work on computers. Thankfully I can now work on my tablet with a keyboard. And not many jobs that offer that luxury. My energy levels vary day today. So now I need to be creative, and think outside of the box about what types of work I can do. Not easy for a 56 year old, but most definitely doable.
Stress… such a tricky and normal emotion we all go through. My doctors all ask how my stress levels are. Well, during a friggen pandemic, we all had high levels of stress…add on current world events, we are all stressed all the time. But what I have learned is, I can can have some control in the way I deal with stress. Now I am about to get all “woo wooo” here, but, I have learned to meditate, and that brings me back to center. I feel better when I can be in nature. Be it outside, or looking out my windows. Music and sound emerging. Be it nature sounds, megahertz or angry rock. Hey whatever works. I learned that utilizing these new techniques could quiet my mind, my body and my inflamed nervous systems. I finally have learned to let go of things that I couldn’t change. And different ways to handle things that I can. This my friends, was hard, so very hard to learn, and one that we have to continue learning.
My illness. Yes it sucks, but finally I am firmly in the acceptance part. (Gee only to me 3.5 years) and I actually do have some control with it. I may crash, but I do have a few ways to calm my body and mind and now know when I need rest. I actually do have the ability to control some outcomes
My marriage. Well… it takes 2 people to make it work, and most def 2 to fuck it up. It is sad that something is ending. I see so many things I could have done differently, and so many things right. So did he. But when you realize you have been making yourself smaller and smaller so you can fit in their life…and they don’t want to evolve and grow with you.. one day you realize you are emotionally gasping, fighting for air.. There are a few, ok a million other things that I wont mention at the moment that aided in the demise of my marriage. And then you realize you don’t love them anymore. You realize you have been living as friendly roommates, and not as a husband and a wife. Sometimes not even friends. I had to take a very long and hard look at us, I had to feel around in the murky darkness trying to locate any real love that might be left in me. And I had to realize that he didn’t love me anymore either. What it boils down to is, we are simply on different paths now. I don’t hate him, he isn’t a bad person, just not the person for me.
I look forward to getting to know myself in this new chapter. I still am grateful for each and every day, and for new lesson, and learning from my mistakes. I cautiously am taking steps and learning to become 1 instead of 2. And becoming smarter about money and all the other trails and triumphs that I will encounter.
In reality, I need green comets in my life. Because they can push you out of your comfort zone, make you take a long look and really see your life for what it is, and can be a catalyst for a much needed change.
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