It’s Super Moon Ya’ll!! And Luna is shaking things up!! She is busting loose things that are stagnant, blocked and other energies that are trapped, and need to move the hell on.
And I am listing to George Michael’s Freedom! So, so damn fitting!
Earlier today, I just felt off, just felt frazzled, and discombobulated. Antsy and jumpy and couldn’t navigate up, down, or even sideways. On the verge of tears, or wanting to yell. It felt like I need to scream, let out this primal guttural yell. Something deep down inside of me needed out.
Now Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians singing What I AM now.
‘Shove me in the shallow water, before I get too deep’
Am I getting too deep? Dunno. Do I want to go back into the shallow water? Dunno.
Lets break down that lyric.. Shallow water, could mean many different things. Could it be safe? Stable? Comfortable? Or has it become stagnant, and never changing?
The deep. Could be dangerous, could be new and exciting. Or it could mean there is the ‘unknown’. But is the unknown always meant to be scary? I find it exhilarating!! I think I like the deep water. It is calm, cool and still. I can float on my back, look at the moon and breathe. Finally breathe.
Heads up, I feel rambly and wandery.
And now back on point.
So, as I mentioned prior, my marriage has been weird. Like ‘did I warp into another dimension type weird. Everything looks the same, but things are very different. I mean, I was still roaming around being me, but the players were all acting different. I did mention I did feel like a ghost in my marriage. And that I decided enough, I’m done, tap me out.
And then a photo. Me and a first love. The first man I ever loved. And that reminded me all of the things
I miss passion, I miss the flutter my heart would feel. (When your heart STOPS skipping a beat folks, thee fat lady has sung) I missed the inside jokes, I missed kisses on the back of the neck. I missed a nibble on the neck. I missed sharing good news, I missed conversation, I missed enjoying being near them, and enjoying them. Hugging, a touch, sex. Love?
And then I realized all of the things I missed, and a bazillion more, were things that are missing in my marriage. When did it leave? I am unsure. Maybe when I was so sick, so weak, and couldn’t even get off the couch. Maybe when you told me stay on the couch for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, maybe when you didn’t wrap me up in a blanket, and rushing me to urgent care?
Maybe when I was bed bound, and couldn’t think clearly? When I was so weak, I was sleeping 16 hours a day? Was it when I could barely drive to yet another doctors appointment? Was it when I couldn’t retain any new information? Or when I couldn’t remember words? Or maybe when I spent months, MONTHS! Speaking in half sentences, only thinking I was conversing normally. Only to realize that the other part of the thought was only in my head. Maybe it was when I read the same paragraph for 45 minutes.
Or maybe when my body was attacking itself. When my immune system was total haywire? Or maybe it was when my spinal column was swollen, and my nerves were on fire, Or maybe the love ran off, while I would be awoken in the middle of the nigh, crying, shaking, and soaking wet, due to muscle tenderness and pain, and skeletal pain, a pain that felt like a sledge hammer hitting my femurs over and over again?
Maybe when I had to demand a new bed, one I could actually get some sleep in, stretch out, be comfortable, and moved it into my now permanent bedroom
Maybe it left when I began to collect Doctors and Specialists like Pokémon cards? Maybe when I had to have the first of many, many CT scans and nerve conduction tests? Maybe it snuck out while getting countless rounds of bloodwork and vials and vials of blood.
And that folks was only the first 6 months.
Or maybe they left when I told you how scared I was, or maybe they ran off, because even all things are scared of hematologist oncologists.
*this is when I really don’t have a partner…*
Our hematologist oncologist. The very one who helped save you. The one who knows us, knows me. He. Is truly family. The man who explained how very sick I was. The man who let my cry, as I told him all the symptoms. The man who knew my mind was once lightning fast and could recall the slightest detail. Knowing that I had zero issues communicating. And now he got to see me struggling to find words. Struggling to get a point across, or asking questions. Now he is telling me he felt something odd in my right breast. And my lymph nodes are very swollen. And the pain in my right breast could be due to the nodes. And due to me falling, and my cognitive issues and being dizzy and lightheaded for months we need to do 2 MRI’s One to rule out breast cancer, and the other one…
The other one to check for a past brain bleed, swelling, shrinkage and blockage. For masses, tumors, cancer. Kidney cancer likes to pop up in the brain. And I am a Kidney Cancer Survivor. ( oh wait kids, it gets worse)!
I’ve been haunted from that ghost for 12 years. Was it time to pay for those 12 years?
Then, he told me more bloodwork, he wants a deeper dive of the mess that is now my blood.
He wants to rule out all blood born illnesses, rule out the leukemias. Rule out other blood cancers. Check for more infections. Including HIV and Aids (no worries kids, that is actually pretty standard for MECFS)
Oh yes, he wants the MRI’s ASAP. Well, that is never good. So he makes sure I understand (yes) any questions (nope got it) and gives me a hug, and said “i got you, don’t worry ok” (love that man so!)
I luck out and able to get a single appointment for both MRI’s in a few days. On a Friday, I call my husband tell him all about it, and just about to tell him why I need a brain MRI.. he interrupted me, asked the date, then said “we are supposed to go out of town THAT day. And how he is allowed to be disappointed about not going blah blah fuckity blah..
Umm..
Yeah.
Ouch….just fucking ouch.
Huge figh, no he didn’t take me to that appointment, and on the way I removed him from my emergency contact list for all of my doctors. Took enough Xanax to knock giraffe out, daughter drove me to the appointment. No, husband did not check in on me, took off early the next day for a day trip with daughter.. acts fine on Sunday.
You know writing this out, looking over this.. damn, that’s some messed up shit.you did me dirty husband.. you really did me dirty
Now earlier this evening.. husband cannot remember the booted one (my BFF, had foot surgery) had surgery, welp, only told you 4 times…not my fault you don’t listen, or are too damn drunk to remember..
Then I’m told that I always say ‘I told you 3 times’ (some reason 3 was the magic number) and I don’t think you really do.. I think you are doing it to make me crazy he said.. *wut?!?!*
Remember, all day, things just seemed off, the energies were super charged and crazy..and at that very moment, I feel the air become electric. I swear sparks would fly out of my fingers if I willed it…
I told him I am not going to to fight with him, and turn around to walk away, and he said he has had enough and wants a divorce.
In that very moment, the energy changes, things immediately felt calmer, the pressure is finally gone.
I look him in the eye and said “so do I” and grab my purse, tell him I need cream for my coffee and leave.
It’s out there universe..
I needed to really dig deep universe. I really needed to have that primordial scream. And the stuck parts…finally flowing away from me.
I feel so much more emotionally and mentally lighter.
Because no matter how he act (I’m betting on pretending it did’t happen.. gotta love the I don’t remember bullshit excuse) I’m betting nothing will change for him, He will continue to be a functioning alcoholic and I am less and less bogged down, and a whole lot free.
Started this post with the song Freedom! And the last song I am listening to.. “I’m not Mad” by Halsey very befitting
I really should send that old love of mine, a quick note, letting him know how much he helped even if it was just his image.
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