I really don’t have topics planned out, I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it. I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest. If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank. Clam up, become. Stagnant.
Sometimes you just need to see things typed out, see where your mind, soul and heart are. Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind. Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars. Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself. Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious. Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.
I’m going through something.. I can’t quite put my finger quite on it. Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster? And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’. Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer. Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but hey, who’s counting) has brought back long dead creativity. Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy. Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well? Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer. Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy?
Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore. Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to the surface to mess with me.
Maybe it is time to reclaim myself again. I mean I was still me, just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me.
Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through. Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!
*faceplant*
*heavy sigh*
*rolls eyes*
*scoff*
*ponders*
A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me. Some directly related one and another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected.
An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend, missing items, a song, a smell. Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams, repeated dreams.
My marriage. Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..
Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow, see where they go. And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.
Like finally admitting to myself, that yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back. But the synchronicity of the two are related.
Maybe, just maybe all of these random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make. Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them. Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that girl who was able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up eyes. Forgiving the woman who she is now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things. And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels, and let them go.
Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off. Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting. Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion. Time to truly have faith and take the leap.
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