So husband has said that I am pushing him towards divorce. *eye roll* Dude, where in the hell have you been??
So now that he keeps saying it, it is supposed to have merit? Have more weight? More validity? Be more urgent?
*Gah*
*Grumble*
FUCK YOU!!
I am so sick and tired of you making EVERYTHING about you or your idea. Seriously?? I am so sick and tired of you not validating my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thoughts, my everything..
Go ahead and drink until your fatty alcohol liver explodes.. Go ahead and hide behind booze… Go ahead of hiding from life, and go the fuck ahead and keep blaming me.
You drew first blood, with your sorry ass response to a question about missing condoms, you gave the answer of a lying, cheating rat bastard son of a bitch, and a coward. You deflected answers and turned it around on me. You gaslighted me and acted like how dare I even ask..
You started this, and i’m finishing it. END. OF. STORY.
Now you are acting all big and tough, and telling me that I will have to move out and lie with my mother. You see assbite, that used to be something that terrified me, a worst case scenario. And that was almost 20 years ago. And way back only lasted a few years.
I guess someone (him) wants to travel in the way back machine, and deal with JoElla circa 2004, and not the JoElla of 2023. Your empty threats don’t scare me, they down’s worry me, (no physical threat, just emotional damage) You see buddy, you only think you have any real power over me. The truth is, you never did. I just had to remember that years ago, And once I did remember, it never left me.
It just really fucking hurts that once again, you showed me just how very little my feelings matter to you.
It just really fucking hurts that a few years ago, I thought you hung the moon. And a few years further back, while you were fighting cancer, the thought of you dying, hurt so much, that I had to remind myself to breathe. And now, I only feel emptiness and anger, and contempt.
I really hate the fact that you now act like this wounded soul, some type of wronged man, hurt by the evil woman.
I absolutely hate the fact that you just refused to see how unhappy I was. And that every time I tried to talk about it, instead of having a conversation, you somehow turned my feelings into all about you and your needs and wants not met. And slam and blame me. Because if pertains to JoElla, it’s not important. Geese, no wonder why I never mention about being in pain every day.. you get this glazed look in your eyes, and then look right past me.
I am so angry about how you treated me when I became sick. How could you do that to me? And now, you act like I made it all up, You act like it never happened. You act like I am just lazy, and won’t do anything. And you have the audacity to act like some damn martyr who sacrificed oh so much.
I AM JUST SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CAST AS YOUR BAD GUY. Seriously, grow a pair, and take some responsibility for your own actions.
You have made me feel so unloved in so many ways You have made me feel so unimportant. You made me feel so unwanted. Telling me that you predicted one day our sex life would tank, because you would be tired, and you said it in such a smug way. like you were proud it came true. Making me initiate sex, then getting mad because I might have been snockered and a bit high, because a relaxed and pain free JoElla is a very fun JoElla. I even explained that you and reassured you of that. But trying to talk about your erection problem was a no go. That most def was a “JoElla” problem and never a “you” problem. Or your very self inflected case of ‘whiskey dick” or the fact that sex with you finally and painfully, made me feel so empty and more lonely. That’s when I stopped initiating. And I don’t even think you cared, or noticed. And now, the very, very rare occasion you do actually touch me, I recoil, I tense up and flinch. Your touch is now poison to me. And this was way before the missing condoms.
You are dead to my heart. I cut karma’s ties with you. And I am desperate to reach indifference. Anger used to give me power, and I used to be able to harness it and propel me forward, now I find it exhausting and wearing me down. Hopefully it is because of the Cronic Fatigue Syndrome and the Epstein Barr Virus, because I sure could use the anger.
I’m hurt that I wasn’t important enough to try for, when there was an iota left to save.
And to add a bit more hurt to this shit show that I call my life….
Ex fiancée….. I don’t know what I expected. And guess I wasn’t that special after all. I did allow my mind and honestly my heart, do a wee bit of ‘what if…’ and ‘why not’? I have enjoyed chatting with him, and he has been quite the gentleman, and nothing inappropriate. One thing he did mention, did break my heart. I cried myself to sleep that night, and felt even worse about a tough decision. Like I said, I don’t know what I expected, but I did expect something. And I really don’t even know what that “something” is. But i will love that man for the rest of my life. He always had a piece of my heart, and always will.
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