Some days are just harder putting one foot in front of the other, Some days you just need your feelings wash over you, you need to let them to toss you around. Sometimes you just need to stay under water for a bit, before trying to look for the bubbles so you can swim back up to the surface. Sometimes you just need to sink.. be in the stillness and close your eyes and just float. Sometimes you need to just give in for a bit, before the survivor urge kicks in.
I feel this incredible emotional albatross choking me, I feel like I am suffocating, unable to shake it.. And right now, I feel like I just need to rest in the abyss. knowing I need this rest and recharge period. I know tomorrow I will ‘get knocked down 7 times, get up 8’, but for now.. nope.
Sometimes it all just comes up to the surface, like some ancient volcano, and the top blows, sending emotional wreckage in a million different directions. Hot and burning and destructive. I do know it is an emotional pressure release, I understand this, but damn…it hurts like hell when it happens.
Husband continues to act like all is fine and dandy. Part of me wonders if he is even in the same damn marriage that I am in? Is it wishful thinking on his part? Or is it just easier for him to carry on like he didn’t tell me to move out, or say he wanted a divorce. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want a divorce. I just want so much more, then he is willing to give, and I cannot always be cast as this great evol princess in his tragic story. I cannot continue to sit back and watch you waste your life. I can’t will you to change, I can’t wish you to change. And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt anymore that you treat strangers kinder than you treat me. That you are mister fucking happy around others, but come home and drink yourself into a numb state.
I’ve given you ample time to talk about this, but as usual, you will force my hand, and once again make me the villain in your life. Is your fear of being seen as a bad guy so strong that you are afraid to take action? Or is is just unwillingness? And does it really matter the hows and why’s at this point? Could we even agree on the starting point of when things went south?
Our first born is moving back, and my heart hurts for him to see what you have chosen to become. As excited as I am for having all my babies in the same area code, I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this.
I’m angry at myself for feeling weak, vulnerable and a bit scared. I’m angry at myself and my body for being sick. I’m angry that I will be the one who has to initiate the tough conversations…
Maybe I am just angry and hurt that I am not worth the effort.
Am I perfect, god no! Far from it, but I do have a lot to offer someone worthy of me. I am loving and kind, and generous and I am smart and funny and can communicate my wants and needs. I want to fill the wants and needs of the person I will eventually live my life with. And to quote Clark Gable, I need to be kissed and kissed often. I will defend the person I love till the end of time, and make sure they know I will always have their back. And if issues arrive, I will work hard to help resolve them. I want to be an equal, and partner and a friend and lover. I want to be the safe space they need to land, and want them to do the same. When I love I love true and deep, and expect that in return. I want to grow and evolve with someone, I want idle chit chat as well as deep conversations. I want to share hopes and dreams and fears and worries with someone, and for them to do the same with me. I want laughter and to make someone laugh, I want to be able to fight with someone fairly, and with both of us knowing we are listening to hear, and not to respond. I want someone who knows how to and is willing to apologize if need be, because I will do the same. I want someone who knows I am strong, but never penalize me for being weak, because I would never do that to them. I want someone I can lean on when I need to, and I want them to lean on me when they need to. I want someone who is thoughtful and kind. I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want dancing in the living room and randomly at the grocery store. I want someone who is secure enough to let me be me, knowing I would never ever hurt them, or jeopardize us. And I want them to know I will be secure enough to let them be them, and know they would never jeopardize us. I want someone to throw cation to the wind with and someone to be responsible with. I want someone who prioritizes me, because they will be my priority. I want someone who generally likes me as a person, because I can’t love someone if I don’t like them as a person. I want someone who understands I am just as thrilled with my favorite candy bar (Twix peanut butter) as a surprise, just as much as 2 dozen roses. I want someone who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, because they hung the moon in my eyes. I want someone who knows that I can get dark and broody, and knows I will be better in a day or two, and if they need to be the dark and broody one, know I will be right there, waiting for them to come out of it. I want someone who understands my need for independence as i will understand theirs. I want someone who loves the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, because i will love the good, the bad and the ugly in them.
What I don’t want is, lies, cheating insecurity, pigeon holding me as someone I no longer am. I don’t want belittling, or bullshit. I don’t want someone who constantly turns everything into something about themselves. I don’t want woe is me, I don’t want someone who is ungrateful for their life, especially when they have everything to look forward to. I don’t want someone who doesn’t understand not making a choice , is in fact a big ass choice. I don’t want someone who chooses to live miserably especially when they have been given a second chance at life. I don’t want deflection. I don’t want someone who chooses to hid behind alcohol. And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t remember our GOD DAMN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
*deep breathe*
Wow, seeing all of this typed out, seeing my wants/needs vs don’t wants/hell no deal breakers.. very cathartic and therapeutic. And I feel like I am ready to swim back up to the surface of the emotional water, and ready. Because I was knocked down 7 times, and got back up 8.
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