Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.