Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.

Life…..(The one where JoElla has deep thoughts)

 I really don’t have topics planned out,  I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it.  I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest.  If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank.  Clam up, become. Stagnant. 

Sometimes you just need to see things typed out,  see where your mind, soul and heart are.  Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind.  Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars.  Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself.  Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious.  Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.

I’m going through  something..  I can’t quite put my finger quite on it.  Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster?  And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’.  Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer.  Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but  hey, who’s counting) has  brought back long dead creativity.  Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy.  Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well?  Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer.   Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy? 

Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore.  Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid  conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to  the surface to mess with me.

Maybe it is time to  reclaim myself again.  I mean I was still me,  just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me. 

Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through.  Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!  

*faceplant*

*heavy sigh*

*rolls  eyes*

*scoff*

*ponders*

A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me.  Some directly related one and  another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected. 

An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend,  missing items, a song, a smell.  Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams,  repeated dreams.  

My marriage.  Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..

Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow,  see where they go.  And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.    

Like finally admitting to myself, that  yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back.  But the  synchronicity of the two are related. 

Maybe, just maybe all of these  random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make.  Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them.   Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that  girl who was  able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up  eyes.  Forgiving the woman who she is  now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things.  And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels,  and let them go.  

Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off.  Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting.  Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion.  Time to truly have faith and take the leap.