Gallbladders of past come back (The one where JoElla’s liver nearly explodes, and now.. she pissed)

 Hello internet friends.  I know, I know I scampered away again.  And per usual, back in the hospital. But hey, good news, not a stroke this time!!  WHOO HOO!!!!!

My Liver nearly took me out this time.  WHAAAAAAAATTTTT!?

Yep, my friends, the Rona phase one strikes again!! And possibly my phantom gallbladder kicked a stone.  Did y’all know that they leave the gallbladder duct, and it dumps into the intestines, anywho it can kick a stone.  What what  what?? They think that happened, or I had something called “Shock liver” Yep that’s a real thing.  All I know is,  it hurt like a mother fucker!! My liver enzymes were near 900, and the pain meds at urgent care, the drugs there, couldn’t help, so off to hospital I go. Thankfully 2 days in hospital, and a fuck tonne of meds finally home. That kicked my ass big time.  It kicked me into a MECFS?EBV crash.

Oh yes and before that,  I spoke to my new Long Covid Specilalist and we needed to know why I keep getting strokes.So I had to. Put a heart monitor. On me.  Well that wasn’t an accurate read, because I kept pressing it while dry heaving.  So now I have this nifty one that rips off my skin, and makes my under boob hurt. And I get to wear this new one for a month, and if it shows nothing, I get a thingy put in my chest. It will be left in for 3 years.  This will record any strange rhythms. See we need to rule out AFIB for my strokes.  (Personally I think a whole lot of dear husband attacking out of the blue threatening me with divorce after told him I wanted one ALL THE DAMN TIME, and the constant stress that his dumb ass would choke to death, or the other shitty things done by him *coughthrowmyfatherinmyfacecough*

Well hell… ain’t that a bitch.

BUT WAIT!! THERE IS MORE FOLKS I also found out that I can never, ever be off my statain meds,  for the rest of my life.   And if I am a good little medical mess I won’t have to be put on the big guns of blood thinners.  <half ass trying to muster enthusiasm *yeaaaayyy*>

So as you can read, Ive been smacked around by life.  And speaking of life thank everything that is holy, Pluto finally leaves Capricorn on November 19th. GET OUTTA MY LIFE YOU DAMN SEA GOAT!!    You suck!!  Your transit started with my kidney cancer and you nearly exploded my liver. (The transit, not. The sea goat)

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE!!!

Dear husband has gleefully told me he can’t wait to be single. Okay, that hurt, hurt a lot. And apparently I have now morphed into this evil woman for the last 30 years. <wut?>.  

I want to cry that my only crime internet friends..  Was becoming sick.  Trust me, I sure as hell didn’t want to play round on of the covid games… I didnt’want a “post secondary infection”.  I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want everything dormant in my system coming to light.  I didn’t want my heart to act up, I didn’t want to to have strokes.  I didn’t want to have my life implode..

I didn’t want to have old fiancés picture show up in my life, I didn’t want to wonder, and dare I say hope. I didn’t want to find the answer if you have’t been thinking about me.  I know it was a safe fantasy, and it allowed me to remember what love feels like.  I had to confront some heavy things about my choices that the 18 year old made, and allowed to be influenced and bullied.  I could have done things differently, but I didn’t. I have had to learn to forgive that damaged girl, that lost girl, that girl that has learned a lot.  And he made choices as well, and could have done things differently as well. He could have found me.  Even though I knew I would have to be the one who found him. And I don’t want  to mess up my karma that way.  Going to war and end my way out of this fucking marriage, yep that’s a karma I will mess with.  But never wanting to.

And on another tangent,  I need not to keep trying to find the good.   Because there just isn’t any left in hum.  I need to make sure that he isn’t anyone I recognize, and quit trying. I need to remember that he isn’t who I loved anymore.  His inner light, he snuffed out.  Mine still trying to burn bright.

Hard to believe a year ago, I was  ready, so ready, and now, I feel small, and scared.  And I also know I just need to ride this for a bit, take a moment and gather my wits and push forward.  I need to clean up this messy portion of my life.  That way, I can jump in both feet and both eyes open.

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.