Gallbladders of past come back (The one where JoElla’s liver nearly explodes, and now.. she pissed)

 Hello internet friends.  I know, I know I scampered away again.  And per usual, back in the hospital. But hey, good news, not a stroke this time!!  WHOO HOO!!!!!

My Liver nearly took me out this time.  WHAAAAAAAATTTTT!?

Yep, my friends, the Rona phase one strikes again!! And possibly my phantom gallbladder kicked a stone.  Did y’all know that they leave the gallbladder duct, and it dumps into the intestines, anywho it can kick a stone.  What what  what?? They think that happened, or I had something called “Shock liver” Yep that’s a real thing.  All I know is,  it hurt like a mother fucker!! My liver enzymes were near 900, and the pain meds at urgent care, the drugs there, couldn’t help, so off to hospital I go. Thankfully 2 days in hospital, and a fuck tonne of meds finally home. That kicked my ass big time.  It kicked me into a MECFS?EBV crash.

Oh yes and before that,  I spoke to my new Long Covid Specilalist and we needed to know why I keep getting strokes.So I had to. Put a heart monitor. On me.  Well that wasn’t an accurate read, because I kept pressing it while dry heaving.  So now I have this nifty one that rips off my skin, and makes my under boob hurt. And I get to wear this new one for a month, and if it shows nothing, I get a thingy put in my chest. It will be left in for 3 years.  This will record any strange rhythms. See we need to rule out AFIB for my strokes.  (Personally I think a whole lot of dear husband attacking out of the blue threatening me with divorce after told him I wanted one ALL THE DAMN TIME, and the constant stress that his dumb ass would choke to death, or the other shitty things done by him *coughthrowmyfatherinmyfacecough*

Well hell… ain’t that a bitch.

BUT WAIT!! THERE IS MORE FOLKS I also found out that I can never, ever be off my statain meds,  for the rest of my life.   And if I am a good little medical mess I won’t have to be put on the big guns of blood thinners.  <half ass trying to muster enthusiasm *yeaaaayyy*>

So as you can read, Ive been smacked around by life.  And speaking of life thank everything that is holy, Pluto finally leaves Capricorn on November 19th. GET OUTTA MY LIFE YOU DAMN SEA GOAT!!    You suck!!  Your transit started with my kidney cancer and you nearly exploded my liver. (The transit, not. The sea goat)

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE!!!

Dear husband has gleefully told me he can’t wait to be single. Okay, that hurt, hurt a lot. And apparently I have now morphed into this evil woman for the last 30 years. <wut?>.  

I want to cry that my only crime internet friends..  Was becoming sick.  Trust me, I sure as hell didn’t want to play round on of the covid games… I didnt’want a “post secondary infection”.  I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want everything dormant in my system coming to light.  I didn’t want my heart to act up, I didn’t want to to have strokes.  I didn’t want to have my life implode..

I didn’t want to have old fiancés picture show up in my life, I didn’t want to wonder, and dare I say hope. I didn’t want to find the answer if you have’t been thinking about me.  I know it was a safe fantasy, and it allowed me to remember what love feels like.  I had to confront some heavy things about my choices that the 18 year old made, and allowed to be influenced and bullied.  I could have done things differently, but I didn’t. I have had to learn to forgive that damaged girl, that lost girl, that girl that has learned a lot.  And he made choices as well, and could have done things differently as well. He could have found me.  Even though I knew I would have to be the one who found him. And I don’t want  to mess up my karma that way.  Going to war and end my way out of this fucking marriage, yep that’s a karma I will mess with.  But never wanting to.

And on another tangent,  I need not to keep trying to find the good.   Because there just isn’t any left in hum.  I need to make sure that he isn’t anyone I recognize, and quit trying. I need to remember that he isn’t who I loved anymore.  His inner light, he snuffed out.  Mine still trying to burn bright.

Hard to believe a year ago, I was  ready, so ready, and now, I feel small, and scared.  And I also know I just need to ride this for a bit, take a moment and gather my wits and push forward.  I need to clean up this messy portion of my life.  That way, I can jump in both feet and both eyes open.

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.

Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.  

Life…..(The one where JoElla has deep thoughts)

 I really don’t have topics planned out,  I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it.  I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest.  If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank.  Clam up, become. Stagnant. 

Sometimes you just need to see things typed out,  see where your mind, soul and heart are.  Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind.  Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars.  Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself.  Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious.  Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.

I’m going through  something..  I can’t quite put my finger quite on it.  Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster?  And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’.  Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer.  Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but  hey, who’s counting) has  brought back long dead creativity.  Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy.  Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well?  Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer.   Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy? 

Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore.  Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid  conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to  the surface to mess with me.

Maybe it is time to  reclaim myself again.  I mean I was still me,  just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me. 

Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through.  Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!  

*faceplant*

*heavy sigh*

*rolls  eyes*

*scoff*

*ponders*

A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me.  Some directly related one and  another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected. 

An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend,  missing items, a song, a smell.  Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams,  repeated dreams.  

My marriage.  Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..

Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow,  see where they go.  And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.    

Like finally admitting to myself, that  yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back.  But the  synchronicity of the two are related. 

Maybe, just maybe all of these  random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make.  Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them.   Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that  girl who was  able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up  eyes.  Forgiving the woman who she is  now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things.  And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels,  and let them go.  

Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off.  Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting.  Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion.  Time to truly have faith and take the leap.