When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.