Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.  

Life…..(The one where JoElla has deep thoughts)

 I really don’t have topics planned out,  I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it.  I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest.  If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank.  Clam up, become. Stagnant. 

Sometimes you just need to see things typed out,  see where your mind, soul and heart are.  Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind.  Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars.  Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself.  Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious.  Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.

I’m going through  something..  I can’t quite put my finger quite on it.  Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster?  And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’.  Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer.  Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but  hey, who’s counting) has  brought back long dead creativity.  Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy.  Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well?  Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer.   Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy? 

Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore.  Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid  conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to  the surface to mess with me.

Maybe it is time to  reclaim myself again.  I mean I was still me,  just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me. 

Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through.  Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!  

*faceplant*

*heavy sigh*

*rolls  eyes*

*scoff*

*ponders*

A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me.  Some directly related one and  another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected. 

An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend,  missing items, a song, a smell.  Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams,  repeated dreams.  

My marriage.  Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..

Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow,  see where they go.  And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.    

Like finally admitting to myself, that  yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back.  But the  synchronicity of the two are related. 

Maybe, just maybe all of these  random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make.  Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them.   Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that  girl who was  able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up  eyes.  Forgiving the woman who she is  now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things.  And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels,  and let them go.  

Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off.  Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting.  Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion.  Time to truly have faith and take the leap.