Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.

Beware of the SUPER BLUE MOON!!! (The one where JoElla ducks for cover)

 Song playing at the moment “Dancing in the Moonlight” Love this song!

Hopefully everyone is surviving the crazy planet placements and the retrogrades. It’s crazy out there internet friends.  Just keep on keeping on, and remember to pause before one speaks,and we. Should be alright.

So internet friends,  talk to me.  Who is reading this?  Don’t be shy, hit me up!  Let’s be friends!!

My life may be a hot holy mess, but, I do offer great advice.  I’m funny and kind.  And I can offer a shoulder or a wisecrack. 

Be safe out there my friends, things should calm down in a week or two.  Then the normal bullshit of life will creep back in LOL

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.