Hello internet friends. I know, I know I scampered away again. And per usual, back in the hospital. But hey, good news, not a stroke this time!! WHOO HOO!!!!!
My Liver nearly took me out this time. WHAAAAAAAATTTTT!?
Yep, my friends, the Rona phase one strikes again!! And possibly my phantom gallbladder kicked a stone. Did y’all know that they leave the gallbladder duct, and it dumps into the intestines, anywho it can kick a stone. What what what?? They think that happened, or I had something called “Shock liver” Yep that’s a real thing. All I know is, it hurt like a mother fucker!! My liver enzymes were near 900, and the pain meds at urgent care, the drugs there, couldn’t help, so off to hospital I go. Thankfully 2 days in hospital, and a fuck tonne of meds finally home. That kicked my ass big time. It kicked me into a MECFS?EBV crash.
Oh yes and before that, I spoke to my new Long Covid Specilalist and we needed to know why I keep getting strokes.So I had to. Put a heart monitor. On me. Well that wasn’t an accurate read, because I kept pressing it while dry heaving. So now I have this nifty one that rips off my skin, and makes my under boob hurt. And I get to wear this new one for a month, and if it shows nothing, I get a thingy put in my chest. It will be left in for 3 years. This will record any strange rhythms. See we need to rule out AFIB for my strokes. (Personally I think a whole lot of dear husband attacking out of the blue threatening me with divorce after told him I wanted one ALL THE DAMN TIME, and the constant stress that his dumb ass would choke to death, or the other shitty things done by him *coughthrowmyfatherinmyfacecough*
Well hell… ain’t that a bitch.
BUT WAIT!! THERE IS MORE FOLKS I also found out that I can never, ever be off my statain meds, for the rest of my life. And if I am a good little medical mess I won’t have to be put on the big guns of blood thinners. <half ass trying to muster enthusiasm *yeaaaayyy*>
So as you can read, Ive been smacked around by life. And speaking of life thank everything that is holy, Pluto finally leaves Capricorn on November 19th. GET OUTTA MY LIFE YOU DAMN SEA GOAT!! You suck!! Your transit started with my kidney cancer and you nearly exploded my liver. (The transit, not. The sea goat)
BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE!!!
Dear husband has gleefully told me he can’t wait to be single. Okay, that hurt, hurt a lot. And apparently I have now morphed into this evil woman for the last 30 years. <wut?>.
I want to cry that my only crime internet friends.. Was becoming sick. Trust me, I sure as hell didn’t want to play round on of the covid games… I didnt’want a “post secondary infection”. I didn’t want this.
I didn’t want everything dormant in my system coming to light. I didn’t want my heart to act up, I didn’t want to to have strokes. I didn’t want to have my life implode..
I didn’t want to have old fiancĂ©s picture show up in my life, I didn’t want to wonder, and dare I say hope. I didn’t want to find the answer if you have’t been thinking about me. I know it was a safe fantasy, and it allowed me to remember what love feels like. I had to confront some heavy things about my choices that the 18 year old made, and allowed to be influenced and bullied. I could have done things differently, but I didn’t. I have had to learn to forgive that damaged girl, that lost girl, that girl that has learned a lot. And he made choices as well, and could have done things differently as well. He could have found me. Even though I knew I would have to be the one who found him. And I don’t want to mess up my karma that way. Going to war and end my way out of this fucking marriage, yep that’s a karma I will mess with. But never wanting to.
And on another tangent, I need not to keep trying to find the good. Because there just isn’t any left in hum. I need to make sure that he isn’t anyone I recognize, and quit trying. I need to remember that he isn’t who I loved anymore. His inner light, he snuffed out. Mine still trying to burn bright.
Hard to believe a year ago, I was ready, so ready, and now, I feel small, and scared. And I also know I just need to ride this for a bit, take a moment and gather my wits and push forward. I need to clean up this messy portion of my life. That way, I can jump in both feet and both eyes open.