So the gummies kicked in and I have thoughts! (the one where JoElla is stoooooooned)

 I had to stop the other post.   Since I have discovered “adult” gummies, I tend to become very philosophical.  And the other post wasn’t this type of vibe. This one is rambling and easy flowing with no direction.   

What I’m listening to right now.. is a new to me Artist named Kina.  It’s  kind of jazzy, with R n B and a twisty cool emo’ish late night, grown up vibe.  

I love it when Spotify throws a cool artist at me. And if the discription of Kina’s music, then look him up on Spotify  and trust me, scroll to the “this is Kina” icon, and give it a listen.  

Finally, my shoulders feel some release. And I can pop my neck by twisting it from side to side. And my mind has slowed way down.  And more playful thoughts are able to come forward.  I love it when my analytical side of my brain slows  down, and my creative side takes over. It feels light, it feels dreamy, it feels flowing.  It feels free.

*crap!!  I feel a  bit snacky*

You know, if  you squint and unfocus your eyes,  husband and I look like a normal couple. I you zoom out and take the roof off, you will see people going through the motions.  And if you look really hard, you will notice the NPCs are never ever affectionate with each other.

No hugs, no kisses.  Nothing.

Polite words exchanged, but nothing is ever really said.  That’s the price I pay for peace. See, as long as I don’t bring anything real, or god forbid complain, the charade continues.  I would like to state, there isn’t any physical violence,  just emotional warfare.

I can feel myself falling into a comfortable state, one that even could have a flicker of hope, crawl into bed and let him hold me..

*how am I still not smoking?!?!?!?  I  really wanna smoke*

I look at him, and he looks like the man I did love.  He looks like the man who loved me.

Because if he loved me, heck if he really liked me, he would do something.  Anything.

There was never a real conversation about leaving me at the hospital.  No  “I’m sorry”

Damn it! 

DAMN IT 

DAMN IT

DAMN IT

This whole ‘I’m stuck in hell’ situation, wow… Daddy issues, major daddy issues are here and not going away for a while.  Wow!  Seriously,  I cannot  believe, that it hasn’t hit me until now  holy shit.. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!

I restarted this creative and a quasi therapeutic outlet.  A place to organize my thoughts so I can re-read them and have them make since.  its been a  year.  I started again on father’s birthday.  Time .  Wow.. All ready!?

A lot of shit went down in a  year.

I feel like if I was watching a movie, I would be like ‘No fucking way dude!” But alas, it’s my life.

I have to be honest,  I really did have hope. I had it till you left me at the hospital.

Even though I want out,  and all of the  hurt, and all off the low blows you have become so  swift with, the unforgivable words you have hurled at me…  It still  hurts like hell, knowing that you don’t love me either.

*deep breath in*  *deep breath out*

That felt good letting it out.  I an own it now, and can learn to move  through it.  And now you will have to learn to live without me.

I have decided on a new thing to  do.  When someone I know pops into my head,  and  I have a great memory I want  to let them know I was thinking of them, and remind them of the memory.  Life short, why not?

I have also decided to go do fun things, even if it is by myself.  There will be a few new art shows soon, and a stomp on grapes type thing at a local vineyard.   Why not? I  get to  do things I want to do, and build some much needed confidence.

I’m going to finish things  around the house, so when it is time  to sell, we can get a good price.

I’m going to find a local Al-Anon, because I have to be honest with myself, because husband is an alcoholic.and I need some guidance for myself.

Find out why my head is becoming like Swiss cheese and learn to prevent it from happening ever again!

Start back at work.  

Hire a shark in a suit to  handle the divorce.

It’s time to get things going, even if my brain is becoming Swiss cheese.

I need more  play, I  need more  silly, and I need more fun. I need to be near people.

I need to quit being scared of talking with people.  I need to  just say, ‘sorry I had a few strokes’ and continue with the conversations 

I need to be me again.  I  don’t think I have truly been her, since before the  stroke, time to find  her.

Thank you internet friends.   Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, and thank you for  letting me ramble on and on, seeing things that I  needed to see. And thank you for letting my happy stoned self get quite philosophical.

Chatty girl issues (the one where JoElla is having a speaking problem, and other rando thoughts)

 Yup.  

Tis true.

I have noticed the last few days when I am speaking. My words are not flowing like they should be.  They get caught up, and hang on each other.  They stumble and pause.  It is becoming a chore to verbalize what I want and need to say.  It’s not like when I first became sick with Rona, or even with a MECFS diagnosis.  Then I could at least use adverbs and adjectives to try to describe what in the hell I am trying to say.  Now I just stumble. I am using sounds like “umm” a lot.  A lot a lot.  And pause a lot.  Like a lot a lot. So much that even husband noticed.  And he never notices things.

I did notice that this last round of strokes my language ability isn’t working as well.   But when I was able to calm my nervous system again,  and let my brain calm back down, it wasn’t as bad, and dare I say back to normal.

Nothing really stressful has occurred, and lately, that is something I don’t get to say often. I did have 2 really bad insomniac days, but have slept since. So I don’t think that could be it.  I  did start a new medication from my  Long Covid Specialist, but the randomness of it isn’t consistent to be tied back to a new medication. Eating?  I’m doing better, no longer queasy and have an appetite.

I’d be a liar if  I  told you I wasn’t a wee bit worried. I’d be a liar if  I say I am not scared.  To be honest, I’m worried. Very worried. 

See friends, I have noticed that I am self isolating again.  I’m using the fact that Middle Cherub needs to use my car, a reason not to leave the house.  And  the fact that husband is  working later and later, my daily conversations isn’t all that much.  And talking with my cats, well that’s easy!

So I need to try to figure out which ailment is  causing it?  Could it be due to the strokes I have had in my left  front  lobe?  Could it be a kick in the pants Long Covid kicking me in the pants?  LC doesn’t like stress at all. Like not at all, at all.  A MECFS crash?  An Epstein Barr reactivated?  A yet another new issue?

Ironically I can read, write, and sing just fine.  My train of thoughts seem normal.  But (isn’t there always) if I try to find a picture of a word in my mind to describe a word that I am having a hard time trying to communicate, my mind just stops. Comes to a complete stop.  Like do not pass go stop.   And then just like that, its working again.

So my new Long Covid Specialist wants to know why I am having strokes.  And recommend that I get another heart monitor session through my Neurologist.  Good thing  I have an appointment on Tuesday.   Yippy!!  No seriously,  we do need to figure out the why’s.  

We could go into the rabbit hole, because my health decline started on March 2nd 2020..

I’ve always been fascinated by the brain, even more so now. I’ve become my very own science experiment.

Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.

Beware of the SUPER BLUE MOON!!! (The one where JoElla ducks for cover)

 Song playing at the moment “Dancing in the Moonlight” Love this song!

Hopefully everyone is surviving the crazy planet placements and the retrogrades. It’s crazy out there internet friends.  Just keep on keeping on, and remember to pause before one speaks,and we. Should be alright.

So internet friends,  talk to me.  Who is reading this?  Don’t be shy, hit me up!  Let’s be friends!!

My life may be a hot holy mess, but, I do offer great advice.  I’m funny and kind.  And I can offer a shoulder or a wisecrack. 

Be safe out there my friends, things should calm down in a week or two.  Then the normal bullshit of life will creep back in LOL

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.

its the 4th of. July!! (The one where JoElla says happy birthday to My nation)

 It’s happy birthday to America today.

It’s appropriate that I am listening to Tobyy Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue”

I  love this song!  It’s a major  kick ass we the greatest kind of  song. Are we the “greatest”?  I don’t  know.   What  I do know  is that a shadow government is  in  charge, and that is rather frightening.

But  that is a topic for another day….

if you look at our Country, you can see some great things, and you also can observe some horrible  things that need work on. But as a a woman,  I have complete freedom on some things, and government interference on others (shall  we talk about my body my choice?  Unless it comes to  the  clot shot…)

I look at it like this, we are a young nation, haven’t had  the normal growing pains that Europeans  have had.  We haven’t had change of leadership like they have.  Also how many times have dynasties have changed in China or Japan.  We are the new kids on the block, and are massively due some ass kicking bring us back to reality.  We have gotten way too  big for  our  britches, and need a good wallop upside the head.

Somehow politics have become a blood sport.  It’s “my side”  above all  others.  Does it  really mater, as long as my side  wins?

What  ever happened  to the  best of the Country?  What ever happened to the  “you work for me, the Everyman?  For the best for all?

Now The USA is turning away from decades old allies, and there is a huge  movement  of anti semitism, and pro Palestine  protests.  It seems like we have lost all civility towards  any type of humans. 

And if you believe in astrology, you know about the Pluto return for our nation’s birthday….  We will either fall, or either raise from the fire,  like the Phoenix.

Personally, I am rooting for the raising of the phoenix.

So peeps on the internet, be  safe, and help make this Country what you want it to be.

Well, still here… (The one where JoElla takes a deep exhale…)

 It’s been a hot minute gang.  Hope all is well in the interwebs and with you.

I’m currently listing to Cindy Lauper’s “True Colors”.  Very interesting song choice.

So where we last left off, the heroine was recovering from a stroke. For some reason, I felt the need to try to express what was happening in real time. And as I continue to recover, my doctors and nurses are amazed on how aware I was during it.  

The complexity of the emotions I felt, and continue to feel..sometimes are quite overwhelming.  I finally had to give in and let myself feel them.  They can be small and fleeting, or so large, that I have to just ride them out.  Sometimes, I just have to roll into a ball in bed, and cry it out.

It seems like I lost the whole month of April.  I had to shut down for a bit. I had to try to find what “normal” is for me now. Ironically “normal” kept changing.  In a strange way, I felt like I was watching some bizarre dream, and felt like a stranger in a strange land.  

For a long time, I didn’t want to be near strangers.  I was still tripping up on words and it made me very self conscience.  So, I self isolated a lot.  With friends and loved ones, I could say “stroke” and we would all get it. I didn’t want to explain to “new people” the whole deal.  Once again I am dealing with an invisible illness with zero outward signs of anything wrong. 

For April,my brain hurt.  Literally hurt.  And horrible headaches. And I would tire very easily.  My Mom threw a huge Eclipse party, and the thought  just overwhelmed me. I enjoyed it by myself with a cat or two, and my neighbor’s chickens roaming around (yes, wandering chickens 🐓)  It was peaceful, almost spiritual. And deeply moving and had a huge impact on  me.  My sweet doctor said that I seemed peaceful with my stroke. And I was….until my Neurological appointment a week later. I  cried through the whole appointment.  

*see emotions a few paragraphs up*

May.. well usually I am a birthday brat and lurrvvveee the whole month of May. This year, meh… I  just wanted a small family get together.  And honestly, if I could have gotten out of it,I totally would. Now don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to see another trip around thes sun, and thankful every day. But it was very overwhelming.

And now that I am approaching the 3 month mark, I still have to  remind myself that my brain is literally  rewireing itself. 

I did start back to work, and navigating that.  And I still cannot watch a lot of TV, I still have some light and motion sensitivity.  Of course it doesn’t help  that husband watches boxing, Or bare knuckle fighting or  other things that send my brain into over drive… *side eye at him*

We know how my stroke happened, but  we still don’t know exactly why it happened.  And I  am just about  to end the ‘danger zone’ time wise.  It seems 3 months is the magic number for safety. And what people don’t understand or realize *coughhusbandcough* that a stroke is a traumatic brain injury.  And when I realize that, it  seemed so much more daunting. No wonder why I feel like a stranger in a strange land.