OH MY GAWD!!! (The one where JoElla actually does have a stroke….)

 Yep,  I did end up having a stroke.

Thankfully, it was a “mini” stroke,  but holy hell in a hand basket I had a stroke.

It was crazy.  

Where I left the saga, was Saturday March 23rd.  Heck, I even went shopping at Target. (Because that is what one does) I had an MRI set for April 8th (umm what?!)  and then Sunday came…..

Keep in mind, I was cleared on Wednesday the. 20th, no active bran bleed or brain injury that a CT could see… And I just felt the need to try to explain what was happening to me.  

Welp, Sunday…

I remember waking up, and dropped the cat food again, and then try to make coffee.  I remember feeling like I was walking through jello.  I remember my legs felt so sluggish and heavy. And also feeling like I. Was on auto pilot.  I banged into the counter, and husband tried to get my attention.  He had me smile,  and I could feel it lopsided, he had me hold my arms out, and they were uneven..  and then bam!  The episode was over.  And I able to speak again, and feel ‘normal” again.  I was fine for the rest of the day.

I agreed to let my Mom babysit me on Tuesday.  Husband did not want  me by myself.  Ok, fine, I agree. But I did have  a hair appointment for Monday. (In my defense, I really needed one)

Wake up on Monday March 25th and had another episode, I could feel it this time.  And I actually said “oh no”  we  call 911 again.  A different Fire Crew but  the same EMT guys. The EMT guys notice that I was speaking a lot better. My blood pressure was up, but not crazy and it was my call  to go. 

Look, I usually lurrve being the  center  of attention, unless it is  for medical reasons.  I HAAAATTTE  making others worry about me.  And Husband called my  beloved Dr and he said go now.

So once again I ride in the back of the bambalance.  And instead of being put into an ER room asap, I get put into a big ole wheelchair and dumped into the  waiting room.  Husband figured it would be a bit before they let him see me, and was shocked to see me in the waiting room.

Finally get into a room, and thankfully the attending physician listened to us, and  agreed that waiting till April 8th was way too long  to wait for my MRI wanted to admit me as  a Nero patient. (yes please) and finally got into my room around 8  PM.

I’ll have to finish this adventure tomorrow, because I am getting tired, and I still get headaches. 

I’m over it… so very over it..

 The words are still crazy.  I am speaking a foreign a language.  I sound like someone who speak “English of a second language.  I can sing a song, but I can’t speak coherant language.

This

Is

Killing

Me.                               

I’m a verbal girl.  And not being able to express….nope

But I am getting stronger.  Little by little. Fight for each word.

I did run to Target, had to  buy some Diane Von whatshername.  But I was able to drive.  And I have a hair appointment because duh!! I need one badly

But hey, I can organize my  thoughts, I just can’t speak English.

I wonder if  this is a new bit of MECFS?  Because that would be my luck.  I have’t had  a relapse in forever.  I made sailed though  the stress.   I survived  the belergerant husband. The asshole husband.  The one I couldnt  wait  to get away from.  

I  still have horrible headaches, and have too take Tylenol and ibuprofen round the  clock, and become dizzy. My bloodpresssure s ok. My right arm is less numb.  So that is a good thing.  But  could I  not be a medical weirdo? I am very tired, wear out quickly. And trying to find words, is exhausting.

Words are hard, very hard.

 I had a dream.  Very sad.  Old fiancé, a crazy dream.

I was very. Very sad.  Old fiancé  was too long.  He was over. But. I. Wanted. It. To be.

Before,  I was working.  Not very hard, and a monkey could do. It.  Best friend was working together..

Been busy, and learning.  And best friend was on vacation.  Casey and I a good team.  

So, before, I had a tooth extraction. I did a bone graft and 3 sterioids only, and antibiotics.  This was last week.

Then Tuesday I felt foggy.  I had words, that are hard. Trying to grasp words..   really strange.  I made an appointment and felt heavy.  I felt words are hard.  Dr said maybe steroids. I can feel strange, but need to be careful of stroke.  I will make sure I am ok.

Wednesday.  My right arm is numb.  I make coffee I drop cat food.  I just let it drop.  Husband came home, and see cat foot is dropped.  I say hey,see if this. Makes sense??  The words are gibberish, he thought I was missing around and I thought he was messing around.  Hushed words, call the nurse, and then I. Have to have low blood sugar.

A call to 911 (oh. Great) and cute firemen.  I say hi, and they do the push arm, pull arm/. I  tell them cognitive goods, words nope.  I say tiger pony because of the MECFS and Epstine bar. I make a mish mash of communication.

Welp, an ambulance ride later, I get the first of the line.  No hallway go straight roo   So guess it’s on my own.   Well husband is actually calling the  kids and my Mom. Why my mother??!  Ughhh

I go to  CT and come back. Mom said “hey did you have a gummy?” Umm nope  Mom.  Seriously?? Really??

I have a lucid moment and talk  like a normal person.  I boot Mom and swiith Garrett and Tiffany.  And then  I loose the words.  Damn it.

I ask for husband over and over.  I want the time of the esscence.  I don’t  want a stroke.  I sit on the bed. And I have to pee.  So  I go to the bathroom, and kinda do a round about, and ask CT results please?? I need to  see CT results please. (Time is the esscence… I need to be ASAP I  want to  be now.

Mom is crying, please set down. But I need to see an MRI.

Husband comes in and the Dr is ok. I am just jumbled with words.

Dr said it is ok,and I slowdown.  He tells everyone, but  still very hard.  I get to go, and the diagnosis is 

“ altered mental status” really? That’s not good.

husband takes me home..

Mom is checking on me a bazillion times.

The dream.  So  sad.  I’m trying not to cry.

The Dentesst.  Dr Grass.  I have strings in my mouth. I am trying to  fix it and they  take my blood pressure.  It’s high.  Very high. He also takes care of the strings in my mouth.  I’m a healer and it looks great.  He says that I am taking a bit longer to shed the sterioids. 

Great, more word salad and trying to communicate’

I have dinner, and then I am tired.  I watch a YT video, andI am tired.  I listen to music,and it is so sad.  The combo of dream, ( did I mention it is so sad and the old  fiancé.  It’s heartbreaking.  I tell husband that the music, and it is sad.

So, it make a few days. Or it can be forever. But damn  it.  I can’t communicate the words.  I want to tell him that I want to be/ That I am not telling what I want to be.  I want to  tell him I love him and want to be.  I want to say the things that I want to be.  To say I am sorry that I am not strong enough, to be the choice that  I never wanted to be.  To love him, to be forever.  I want to be old fiancé, not husband.

So, words are hard, husband is a friend.  And old fiancé.  I haven’t had  a dream in a long time,but the feelings are still strong.

Let’s see what adventures await.  And it is a a strange strange world.   Maybe,just maybe, the dr can see me.  And then the neurologist can see me Monday.

Dang…….

 Words.  Random words. A sentence, and a brain fart.

Yesterday, brain fog.  Reaching and fleeting. Logic, damn it.

Tuesday.  A doctors appointment.  Foggy and thick, soupy.  The words…missed mashed, and confusing.  Stroke?  No.  Allergies.  Fluid in the ears. Yadda yadda serious.  Steroid.  Random bizzar  symptoms.

Wednesday. I woke up at 5:20 am.  went back to sleep.  I woked at 11:30 AM and fed the cats.  Dropped the cat food.  Damn it.  Cat food on the floor.  Annoyed.  Coffee, drinking coffee and being quiet..  

Discription, the advertisement.   Umm what??  It’s gibberish.  Why??  

One, two three… connected.  Me:  hey, does this make since?! Husband: what?!

Me: umm does think make sense?

Husband: um no..

Me : uh oh….

Husband, hushed tone.  “Google, Midway clinic <ring ring> Hi, <whisper whisper> ok, okay.  Sugar, ok.”

Here, have a glug of honey.. why??  Okay,  More?  Okay.. Peanutbutter? Bleck okay… More?? No!! Okay

911, okay.. damn.. are we doing 911??

911.  Firemen.  Ambulance..yay…no.

Tiger pony!  I can tiger pony!   Cognitive, yes, verbal no… 

Called, the kids…  why?  Why freaked the kids>

Told Mom…why!!  Ugh

Husband gets food.  It seems a long time.  Agitated,  I want the CT results.  I have  to pee.  Agitated.  

Mom crying.  I  want my ct results.  Please..   if I have a stroke, Time, time time time!

Where’s husband??  Why so long??

Mom crying again…

Finally, discharged. Finally.  No stroke!!

And again, cognitive, good,verbal bad..I can breathe… I can breathe.

Could be the steroids??  Okay. But why??

Guess who’s back, back again… (The one where JoElla’s back again with a full moon)

 Hello internet peeps, been a long time.

I needed a break during the Holidays. Didn’t we all?  Didn’t it seem like the whole dang world had a Rona hangover?  Didn’t it seem like that we as a collective just didn’t give a damn?  Didn’t just seem like we were all  just burnt out?  

The world  is still an epic shit show.   And yet oddly, for us Gen X’ers, we have a real sense of  deja vu.

Gather round young  ones, lemme tell you bout how we Gen X’ers used to be…..

We were  wild, feral and  the  OG latch key kids.. they had  to make commercials reminding our parents of us.  “It’s 10 o’clock do you know where  your kids are”?  *I so need to remember how  to drop a video and  pictures in* we used ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE HAIRSPRAY, and  our parents were too busy fucking up their own lives, to pay attention to ours.  But somewhere in our wild feral  hearts,  a flicker of hope, a small spark that started a world wide  movement.  We were Liveaid, Hands across America,  we signed up for Amnesty International in droves.  We were having sexual awakening just  as  AIDS came to the forefront and we lived through  and were shaped by the Cold War.

Now, every batshit crazy country has  some form of a nuke type weapons.  

Seriously Universe, if I have to live  through this type of crazy again,  can I please be sent back to the 80’s I promise  I  will make better choices.

So let’s talk about this moon.  This  full moon is in Leo, creation and destruction.  And Luna is opposite of Pluto.  We (if we are paying  attention) we should see blockages and stuck patterns more objectively and hopefully be able to break through them.   This full moon can bring up things that started back in August 2023  

Luna will also be opposite of Pluto and conjunt with the Sun

The Sun and Leo are all about creation  and life, Pluto is over here being all about destruction, decomposition and decay, and death.  Pluto  also brings things to light to be exposed. The whole let it burn down so newness can grow. Kind of exciting if you ask me.

So even though the full moon already happened, you still have a window for you to cast aside things you do not want to bring  into 2023. So think about what no longer serves you and let go.

Don’t forget to set your intentions.  Cast some seeds to the Universe, let’s watch them grow together.

Maybe if we all just take a few moments to be grateful for any types of things, big or small, grand or silly, then collectively we can raise the vibrations.  Maybe, just maybe, we can start to counterbalance the low vibrations.  

Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.