Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.