Listening to sad songs…..(the one where JoElla is hurt and angry)

 So husband has said that I am pushing him towards divorce. *eye roll* Dude, where in the hell have you been??  

So now that he keeps saying it, it is supposed to have merit?  Have more weight?  More validity? Be more urgent? 

*Gah*

*Grumble*

FUCK YOU!!

I am so sick and tired of you making EVERYTHING about you or your idea.  Seriously??  I am so sick and tired of you not validating my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thoughts,  my everything..

Go ahead and drink until your fatty alcohol liver explodes.. Go ahead and hide behind booze… Go ahead of hiding from life, and go the fuck ahead and keep blaming me.

You drew first blood, with your sorry ass response to a question about missing condoms,  you gave the answer of a lying, cheating rat bastard son of a bitch, and a coward.  You deflected answers and turned it around on me.  You gaslighted me and acted like how dare I even ask..

You started this, and i’m finishing it.  END. OF. STORY.

Now you are acting all big and tough, and telling me that I will have to move out and lie with my mother.  You see assbite, that used to be something that terrified me,  a worst case scenario.  And that was almost 20 years ago.  And way back only lasted a few years.  

I guess someone (him) wants to travel in the way back machine, and deal with JoElla circa 2004, and not the JoElla of 2023.  Your empty threats don’t scare me, they down’s worry me, (no physical threat, just emotional damage)  You see buddy, you only think you have any real power over me.  The truth is, you never did.  I just had to remember that years ago,  And once I did remember, it never left me.

It just really fucking hurts that once again, you showed me just how very little my feelings matter to you.

It just really fucking hurts that a few years ago, I thought you hung the moon.  And a few years further back, while you were fighting cancer, the thought of you dying,  hurt so much, that I had to remind  myself to breathe.  And  now, I  only feel emptiness and anger, and  contempt.

I really hate the fact that you now act like this  wounded soul, some type of wronged man, hurt by the evil woman.

I absolutely hate the fact that you just refused to see how unhappy I was. And that  every time I tried to talk about it, instead of having a conversation, you somehow  turned my feelings  into all about you and your needs and wants not met.  And slam and blame me.  Because if pertains to  JoElla, it’s not important.  Geese, no wonder why I never mention about being in pain every day.. you get this glazed look in your eyes, and then look right past me.

I am so angry about how you treated me when I became sick.  How could you do that to me?  And now, you act like I made it all up,  You act like it never happened.  You act like I am just lazy, and won’t do anything.  And you  have the audacity to act like some damn martyr who sacrificed oh so  much.

I  AM JUST SO  FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CAST AS YOUR BAD GUY.  Seriously, grow a pair, and take some responsibility for your own actions.  

You have made me feel so unloved in so many ways  You have made me feel so unimportant. You made me feel so unwanted.  Telling me that you predicted one day our sex life would tank, because you would be tired, and you said  it in such a smug way.  like you were proud it came true.  Making me initiate sex,  then getting mad because  I might have been snockered and a bit high, because a relaxed and pain free  JoElla is a very fun JoElla. I even explained that you and reassured you of that.   But trying to talk about your erection problem was  a no go.  That most def was a “JoElla” problem and never a “you” problem.  Or your very self inflected case of ‘whiskey dick” or the fact that sex with you finally and painfully, made me feel so  empty and more lonely.  That’s when I stopped initiating.  And I don’t even think you cared, or  noticed.  And now, the very, very rare occasion you do actually touch me, I recoil, I tense up and flinch.  Your touch is  now poison to  me.  And this was way before the missing condoms.

You are dead to my heart.  I cut karma’s ties with you. And I am desperate to reach indifference. Anger used to give me power, and I used to be able to harness it and propel me forward, now I find it exhausting and wearing me down.  Hopefully it is because of the Cronic Fatigue Syndrome and the Epstein Barr Virus, because  I sure could use the  anger. 

I’m hurt that I wasn’t important enough to try for, when there was an iota left to save.

And to add a bit more hurt to this shit show that I call my life….

Ex fiancée…..  I don’t know what I expected.  And guess I wasn’t  that special after all.  I did allow my mind and honestly my heart, do a wee bit of ‘what if…’  and ‘why not’?   I have enjoyed chatting with him, and he has been quite  the gentleman, and nothing inappropriate.  One thing he did mention, did break my heart.  I cried myself to sleep  that night, and felt even worse about a tough decision. Like I said, I don’t know what I expected, but  I did expect something.  And I really don’t even know what that  “something” is.   But i will love that man for the rest of my life.  He always had a piece of my heart, and always will.  

Well hell..(the one where JoElla is in a free fall)

 Some days are just harder putting one foot in front of the other,  Some days you just need your feelings wash over you, you need to let them to toss you around.  Sometimes you just need to stay under water for a bit, before trying to look for the bubbles so you can swim back up to the surface.  Sometimes you just need to sink..  be in the stillness and close your eyes and just float.  Sometimes you need to just give in for a bit, before the survivor urge kicks in.  

I feel this incredible emotional albatross choking me, I feel like I am suffocating,  unable to shake it.. And right now, I feel like I just need to rest in the abyss. knowing I need this rest and recharge period. I know tomorrow I will ‘get knocked down 7 times, get up 8’, but for now.. nope.

Sometimes it all just comes up to the surface, like some ancient volcano, and the top blows, sending emotional wreckage in a million different directions.  Hot and burning and destructive. I do know it is an emotional pressure release,  I understand this, but damn…it hurts like hell when it happens.

Husband continues to act like all is fine and dandy.  Part of me wonders if he is even in the same damn marriage that I am in?  Is it wishful thinking on his part?  Or is it just easier for him to carry on like he didn’t tell me to move out, or say he wanted a divorce. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want  a divorce.  I just want so much more, then he is willing to give, and I cannot always be cast as this great evol princess in his tragic story.  I cannot continue to sit back and watch you waste your life.  I can’t will you to change, I can’t wish you to change.  And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt anymore that you treat strangers kinder than you treat me. That you are mister fucking happy around others, but come home and drink yourself into a numb state. 

I’ve given you ample time to talk about this, but as usual, you will force my hand, and once again make me the villain in your life.  Is your fear of being seen as a bad guy so strong that you are afraid to take action?  Or is is just unwillingness? And does it really matter the hows and why’s at this point?  Could we even agree on the starting point of when things went south?

Our first born is moving back, and my heart hurts for him to see what you have chosen to become. As excited as I am for having all my babies in the same area code, I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this. 

I’m angry at myself for feeling weak, vulnerable and a bit scared.  I’m angry at myself and my body for being sick.  I’m angry that I will be the one who has to initiate the tough conversations…

Maybe I am just angry and hurt that I am not worth the effort.

Am I perfect, god no!  Far from it, but I do have a lot to offer someone worthy of me. I am loving and kind, and generous and I am smart and funny and can communicate my wants and needs.  I want to fill the wants and needs of the person I will eventually live my life with.  And to quote Clark Gable, I need to be kissed and kissed often.   I will defend the person I love till the end of time, and make sure they know I will always have their back.  And if issues arrive, I will work hard to help resolve them.  I want to be an equal, and partner and a friend and lover.  I want to be the safe space they need to land, and want them to do the same.  When I love I love true and deep, and expect that in return.  I  want to grow and evolve with someone, I want idle chit chat as well as deep conversations.  I want to share hopes and dreams and fears and worries with someone, and for them to do the same with me.  I want laughter and to make someone laugh, I want to be able to fight with someone fairly, and with both of us knowing we are listening to hear, and not to respond. I want someone who knows how to and is willing to apologize if need be, because I will do the same.  I want someone who knows I am strong, but never penalize me for being weak, because I would never do that to them.  I want  someone I can lean on when I need to,  and I  want them to lean on me when they need to.  I want someone who is thoughtful and kind.  I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want dancing in the living room and randomly at the grocery store.  I want someone who is secure enough to let me be me, knowing I would never ever hurt them,  or jeopardize us.  And I want them to know I will be secure enough to let them be them, and know they would never jeopardize us.   I want someone to throw cation to the wind with and someone to be responsible  with.  I want someone who prioritizes me, because they will  be my priority.  I want someone who generally likes me as a person, because I can’t love someone if  I don’t like them as a person. I want someone who understands I am just as thrilled with my favorite candy bar (Twix peanut butter) as a surprise, just as much  as 2 dozen roses.  I want someone who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, because they hung the moon in my eyes.  I want someone who knows that I can get dark and broody, and knows  I will be better in a day or two, and if they need to be the dark and broody one, know I will be right there, waiting for them to come out of it. I want someone who understands my need for  independence as i will understand theirs.   I want someone who loves the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, because i will love the good, the bad and the ugly in them.

What I don’t want is, lies, cheating insecurity, pigeon holding me as someone I no longer am.  I don’t want belittling, or  bullshit. I  don’t want someone who constantly turns everything into something about themselves.  I don’t want woe is me, I don’t want someone who is ungrateful for their life, especially when they have everything  to look forward to.  I don’t want  someone who doesn’t understand not making a choice , is in fact a big  ass choice.    I don’t want someone who chooses  to live miserably  especially when they have been given a second chance at life.  I don’t want deflection.  I don’t want someone who chooses to hid behind alcohol.  And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t remember our GOD DAMN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

*deep breathe*

Wow, seeing all of this typed out, seeing my wants/needs vs don’t wants/hell no deal breakers.. very  cathartic and therapeutic.  And I feel like I am ready to swim back up to the surface of  the emotional water, and ready.  Because I was  knocked down 7 times, and got  back up 8.

Well hell.. (the one where JoElla has her active EBV numbers off the charts)

Had my blood work redrawn.  It was time yet again.  Been keeping an eye on my cholesterol, because Rona screwed them all up.  Been keeping an eye on my AC1 numbers, because Rona screwed them up.  Also checking my white count and red count, and kidney function.  Good news on my blood sugars, and kidney still working like a chap, cholesterol still screwed up *shrugs* 

I also had my doctor run an active EBV panel.  See with Epstein Barr Virus,  (more commonly known as Mono), is in most people, and it takes a massive infection to kick it into activation.  And once you ever have had mono, your bloodwork will forever show EBV.  So if you have had it, and you feel run down and sick, you have to ask them to run an active EBV panel.  And my numbers are high, off the charts high. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! 

I am so not a happy camper.   

Not.

One.

Bit.

I knew something was off… really thought it was my allergies (ok I was really hoping, praying wishing etc…).  I know what caused it, I totally did it to myself.. I knew I was stressed, and not eating properly didn’t help. But when you are the only one who acknowledges the  marriage is a dead stick… it kinda takes a toll on you.

The good news is, this feels so different than a #MECFS crash.  I’m alert, my crazy little brain is acting normal, and I’m just tired.  It isn’t a bone crushing tired, and my left side hurts (sorry spleen!) and have a headache.  My muscles feel the normal type of  tightness, and no uptick in my pain levels.  That’s progress folks, and I’ll take it!

Gotta admit, I am also enjoying the 15 pounds I lost. But  need to focus on the correct way to lose, and not rely on the dreaded divorce diet. 

Hopefully within a week, I’ll be much better.  

I really want to hit the gym again.  I cannot express how much I miss treadmill dates with angry rock. I need a good sweaty session on it. I miss Zumba class.  I miss yoga.  

I suppose that me wanting to work out is a good thing.  I feel the urge, and not just  a ‘I should’.  Progress even with a road block, is still progress.

Tonight may mind is spinning whirrling, and won’t quiet down.   So many things going through my mind.

I did receive some most excellent news (but under lock and key for the  moment) I did over do it today.. ooohhh took a shower and went to the grocery store, so physically I’m tired, but this brain of mine hasn’t gotten the hint.  I even took a ‘adult gummy’ and… wired but tired.  Wish that  meant I had enough energy to  clean house, but nope.  

Been having interesting dreams lately.  When I woke up, the  old fiancée (aka the old boyfriend) responded. I have so many questions, and would love to hear his voice.  When I woke up this morning, I was coming out of a dream, and it was of him, and he said  ‘just call me already’.  Also, as I am writing, the song “Life’s a Mess”  by Juice WRLD and Halsey…One of the lyrics is ‘Thank God I finally found you”  And that’s the way I feel.  I have looked off and on throughout the years, after seeing the picture of us, the night he asked me to marry him.. I am glad I finally found him.  I do wonder if he ever looked for me?  Ever wondered about me?  I did have all my socials wide open for years, then I felt the need to lock them down.  

To be honest, it’s hard  not to let my mind and heart drift a bit. And part of me is like “geese girl, you are 56!”, but  how does a 56 year old act? I don’t know, I’m still new at this LOL.

I just kinda feel like  I have a new lease on life.  I’m excited to see what is around the corner.   Maybe the fear has loosened its grip on me, and I was able to wiggle out if its grasp.  Who knew that getting a reactivated EBV instead of a hard crash, would give me hope.  

Now I do like to describe myself as an optimistic realest.  And I feel extremely optimistic.  I know there will be some hard times ahead, and lots of ups and downs. But ultimately I know that I will land on my feet, and be able to  hit the ground walking.