Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.  

Listening to sad songs…..(the one where JoElla is hurt and angry)

 So husband has said that I am pushing him towards divorce. *eye roll* Dude, where in the hell have you been??  

So now that he keeps saying it, it is supposed to have merit?  Have more weight?  More validity? Be more urgent? 

*Gah*

*Grumble*

FUCK YOU!!

I am so sick and tired of you making EVERYTHING about you or your idea.  Seriously??  I am so sick and tired of you not validating my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thoughts,  my everything..

Go ahead and drink until your fatty alcohol liver explodes.. Go ahead and hide behind booze… Go ahead of hiding from life, and go the fuck ahead and keep blaming me.

You drew first blood, with your sorry ass response to a question about missing condoms,  you gave the answer of a lying, cheating rat bastard son of a bitch, and a coward.  You deflected answers and turned it around on me.  You gaslighted me and acted like how dare I even ask..

You started this, and i’m finishing it.  END. OF. STORY.

Now you are acting all big and tough, and telling me that I will have to move out and lie with my mother.  You see assbite, that used to be something that terrified me,  a worst case scenario.  And that was almost 20 years ago.  And way back only lasted a few years.  

I guess someone (him) wants to travel in the way back machine, and deal with JoElla circa 2004, and not the JoElla of 2023.  Your empty threats don’t scare me, they down’s worry me, (no physical threat, just emotional damage)  You see buddy, you only think you have any real power over me.  The truth is, you never did.  I just had to remember that years ago,  And once I did remember, it never left me.

It just really fucking hurts that once again, you showed me just how very little my feelings matter to you.

It just really fucking hurts that a few years ago, I thought you hung the moon.  And a few years further back, while you were fighting cancer, the thought of you dying,  hurt so much, that I had to remind  myself to breathe.  And  now, I  only feel emptiness and anger, and  contempt.

I really hate the fact that you now act like this  wounded soul, some type of wronged man, hurt by the evil woman.

I absolutely hate the fact that you just refused to see how unhappy I was. And that  every time I tried to talk about it, instead of having a conversation, you somehow  turned my feelings  into all about you and your needs and wants not met.  And slam and blame me.  Because if pertains to  JoElla, it’s not important.  Geese, no wonder why I never mention about being in pain every day.. you get this glazed look in your eyes, and then look right past me.

I am so angry about how you treated me when I became sick.  How could you do that to me?  And now, you act like I made it all up,  You act like it never happened.  You act like I am just lazy, and won’t do anything.  And you  have the audacity to act like some damn martyr who sacrificed oh so  much.

I  AM JUST SO  FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CAST AS YOUR BAD GUY.  Seriously, grow a pair, and take some responsibility for your own actions.  

You have made me feel so unloved in so many ways  You have made me feel so unimportant. You made me feel so unwanted.  Telling me that you predicted one day our sex life would tank, because you would be tired, and you said  it in such a smug way.  like you were proud it came true.  Making me initiate sex,  then getting mad because  I might have been snockered and a bit high, because a relaxed and pain free  JoElla is a very fun JoElla. I even explained that you and reassured you of that.   But trying to talk about your erection problem was  a no go.  That most def was a “JoElla” problem and never a “you” problem.  Or your very self inflected case of ‘whiskey dick” or the fact that sex with you finally and painfully, made me feel so  empty and more lonely.  That’s when I stopped initiating.  And I don’t even think you cared, or  noticed.  And now, the very, very rare occasion you do actually touch me, I recoil, I tense up and flinch.  Your touch is  now poison to  me.  And this was way before the missing condoms.

You are dead to my heart.  I cut karma’s ties with you. And I am desperate to reach indifference. Anger used to give me power, and I used to be able to harness it and propel me forward, now I find it exhausting and wearing me down.  Hopefully it is because of the Cronic Fatigue Syndrome and the Epstein Barr Virus, because  I sure could use the  anger. 

I’m hurt that I wasn’t important enough to try for, when there was an iota left to save.

And to add a bit more hurt to this shit show that I call my life….

Ex fiancée…..  I don’t know what I expected.  And guess I wasn’t  that special after all.  I did allow my mind and honestly my heart, do a wee bit of ‘what if…’  and ‘why not’?   I have enjoyed chatting with him, and he has been quite  the gentleman, and nothing inappropriate.  One thing he did mention, did break my heart.  I cried myself to sleep  that night, and felt even worse about a tough decision. Like I said, I don’t know what I expected, but  I did expect something.  And I really don’t even know what that  “something” is.   But i will love that man for the rest of my life.  He always had a piece of my heart, and always will.  

Well hell..(the one where JoElla is in a free fall)

 Some days are just harder putting one foot in front of the other,  Some days you just need your feelings wash over you, you need to let them to toss you around.  Sometimes you just need to stay under water for a bit, before trying to look for the bubbles so you can swim back up to the surface.  Sometimes you just need to sink..  be in the stillness and close your eyes and just float.  Sometimes you need to just give in for a bit, before the survivor urge kicks in.  

I feel this incredible emotional albatross choking me, I feel like I am suffocating,  unable to shake it.. And right now, I feel like I just need to rest in the abyss. knowing I need this rest and recharge period. I know tomorrow I will ‘get knocked down 7 times, get up 8’, but for now.. nope.

Sometimes it all just comes up to the surface, like some ancient volcano, and the top blows, sending emotional wreckage in a million different directions.  Hot and burning and destructive. I do know it is an emotional pressure release,  I understand this, but damn…it hurts like hell when it happens.

Husband continues to act like all is fine and dandy.  Part of me wonders if he is even in the same damn marriage that I am in?  Is it wishful thinking on his part?  Or is it just easier for him to carry on like he didn’t tell me to move out, or say he wanted a divorce. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want  a divorce.  I just want so much more, then he is willing to give, and I cannot always be cast as this great evol princess in his tragic story.  I cannot continue to sit back and watch you waste your life.  I can’t will you to change, I can’t wish you to change.  And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt anymore that you treat strangers kinder than you treat me. That you are mister fucking happy around others, but come home and drink yourself into a numb state. 

I’ve given you ample time to talk about this, but as usual, you will force my hand, and once again make me the villain in your life.  Is your fear of being seen as a bad guy so strong that you are afraid to take action?  Or is is just unwillingness? And does it really matter the hows and why’s at this point?  Could we even agree on the starting point of when things went south?

Our first born is moving back, and my heart hurts for him to see what you have chosen to become. As excited as I am for having all my babies in the same area code, I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this. 

I’m angry at myself for feeling weak, vulnerable and a bit scared.  I’m angry at myself and my body for being sick.  I’m angry that I will be the one who has to initiate the tough conversations…

Maybe I am just angry and hurt that I am not worth the effort.

Am I perfect, god no!  Far from it, but I do have a lot to offer someone worthy of me. I am loving and kind, and generous and I am smart and funny and can communicate my wants and needs.  I want to fill the wants and needs of the person I will eventually live my life with.  And to quote Clark Gable, I need to be kissed and kissed often.   I will defend the person I love till the end of time, and make sure they know I will always have their back.  And if issues arrive, I will work hard to help resolve them.  I want to be an equal, and partner and a friend and lover.  I want to be the safe space they need to land, and want them to do the same.  When I love I love true and deep, and expect that in return.  I  want to grow and evolve with someone, I want idle chit chat as well as deep conversations.  I want to share hopes and dreams and fears and worries with someone, and for them to do the same with me.  I want laughter and to make someone laugh, I want to be able to fight with someone fairly, and with both of us knowing we are listening to hear, and not to respond. I want someone who knows how to and is willing to apologize if need be, because I will do the same.  I want someone who knows I am strong, but never penalize me for being weak, because I would never do that to them.  I want  someone I can lean on when I need to,  and I  want them to lean on me when they need to.  I want someone who is thoughtful and kind.  I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want dancing in the living room and randomly at the grocery store.  I want someone who is secure enough to let me be me, knowing I would never ever hurt them,  or jeopardize us.  And I want them to know I will be secure enough to let them be them, and know they would never jeopardize us.   I want someone to throw cation to the wind with and someone to be responsible  with.  I want someone who prioritizes me, because they will  be my priority.  I want someone who generally likes me as a person, because I can’t love someone if  I don’t like them as a person. I want someone who understands I am just as thrilled with my favorite candy bar (Twix peanut butter) as a surprise, just as much  as 2 dozen roses.  I want someone who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, because they hung the moon in my eyes.  I want someone who knows that I can get dark and broody, and knows  I will be better in a day or two, and if they need to be the dark and broody one, know I will be right there, waiting for them to come out of it. I want someone who understands my need for  independence as i will understand theirs.   I want someone who loves the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, because i will love the good, the bad and the ugly in them.

What I don’t want is, lies, cheating insecurity, pigeon holding me as someone I no longer am.  I don’t want belittling, or  bullshit. I  don’t want someone who constantly turns everything into something about themselves.  I don’t want woe is me, I don’t want someone who is ungrateful for their life, especially when they have everything  to look forward to.  I don’t want  someone who doesn’t understand not making a choice , is in fact a big  ass choice.    I don’t want someone who chooses  to live miserably  especially when they have been given a second chance at life.  I don’t want deflection.  I don’t want someone who chooses to hid behind alcohol.  And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t remember our GOD DAMN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

*deep breathe*

Wow, seeing all of this typed out, seeing my wants/needs vs don’t wants/hell no deal breakers.. very  cathartic and therapeutic.  And I feel like I am ready to swim back up to the surface of  the emotional water, and ready.  Because I was  knocked down 7 times, and got  back up 8.

Well hell.. (the one where JoElla has her active EBV numbers off the charts)

Had my blood work redrawn.  It was time yet again.  Been keeping an eye on my cholesterol, because Rona screwed them all up.  Been keeping an eye on my AC1 numbers, because Rona screwed them up.  Also checking my white count and red count, and kidney function.  Good news on my blood sugars, and kidney still working like a chap, cholesterol still screwed up *shrugs* 

I also had my doctor run an active EBV panel.  See with Epstein Barr Virus,  (more commonly known as Mono), is in most people, and it takes a massive infection to kick it into activation.  And once you ever have had mono, your bloodwork will forever show EBV.  So if you have had it, and you feel run down and sick, you have to ask them to run an active EBV panel.  And my numbers are high, off the charts high. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! 

I am so not a happy camper.   

Not.

One.

Bit.

I knew something was off… really thought it was my allergies (ok I was really hoping, praying wishing etc…).  I know what caused it, I totally did it to myself.. I knew I was stressed, and not eating properly didn’t help. But when you are the only one who acknowledges the  marriage is a dead stick… it kinda takes a toll on you.

The good news is, this feels so different than a #MECFS crash.  I’m alert, my crazy little brain is acting normal, and I’m just tired.  It isn’t a bone crushing tired, and my left side hurts (sorry spleen!) and have a headache.  My muscles feel the normal type of  tightness, and no uptick in my pain levels.  That’s progress folks, and I’ll take it!

Gotta admit, I am also enjoying the 15 pounds I lost. But  need to focus on the correct way to lose, and not rely on the dreaded divorce diet. 

Hopefully within a week, I’ll be much better.  

I really want to hit the gym again.  I cannot express how much I miss treadmill dates with angry rock. I need a good sweaty session on it. I miss Zumba class.  I miss yoga.  

I suppose that me wanting to work out is a good thing.  I feel the urge, and not just  a ‘I should’.  Progress even with a road block, is still progress.

Tonight may mind is spinning whirrling, and won’t quiet down.   So many things going through my mind.

I did receive some most excellent news (but under lock and key for the  moment) I did over do it today.. ooohhh took a shower and went to the grocery store, so physically I’m tired, but this brain of mine hasn’t gotten the hint.  I even took a ‘adult gummy’ and… wired but tired.  Wish that  meant I had enough energy to  clean house, but nope.  

Been having interesting dreams lately.  When I woke up, the  old fiancée (aka the old boyfriend) responded. I have so many questions, and would love to hear his voice.  When I woke up this morning, I was coming out of a dream, and it was of him, and he said  ‘just call me already’.  Also, as I am writing, the song “Life’s a Mess”  by Juice WRLD and Halsey…One of the lyrics is ‘Thank God I finally found you”  And that’s the way I feel.  I have looked off and on throughout the years, after seeing the picture of us, the night he asked me to marry him.. I am glad I finally found him.  I do wonder if he ever looked for me?  Ever wondered about me?  I did have all my socials wide open for years, then I felt the need to lock them down.  

To be honest, it’s hard  not to let my mind and heart drift a bit. And part of me is like “geese girl, you are 56!”, but  how does a 56 year old act? I don’t know, I’m still new at this LOL.

I just kinda feel like  I have a new lease on life.  I’m excited to see what is around the corner.   Maybe the fear has loosened its grip on me, and I was able to wiggle out if its grasp.  Who knew that getting a reactivated EBV instead of a hard crash, would give me hope.  

Now I do like to describe myself as an optimistic realest.  And I feel extremely optimistic.  I know there will be some hard times ahead, and lots of ups and downs. But ultimately I know that I will land on my feet, and be able to  hit the ground walking.

Gotta love a SUPER MOON!! (The one where JoElla might be a tad angry and howls at the moon)

 It’s Super Moon Ya’ll!!  And Luna is  shaking things up!!  She is busting loose things that are stagnant, blocked and other energies that are trapped, and need to move the hell on.

And I am listing to George Michael’s Freedom!   So, so damn fitting!   

Earlier today, I just felt off, just felt frazzled, and discombobulated.  Antsy and jumpy and couldn’t navigate up, down, or even sideways.  On the verge of tears, or wanting to yell.  It felt like I need to scream, let out this primal guttural yell.  Something deep down inside of me needed out.

Now Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians singing What I AM now.

‘Shove me in the shallow water, before I get too deep’  

Am I getting too deep? Dunno.  Do I want to go back into the shallow water?  Dunno.   

Lets break down that lyric..  Shallow water, could mean many different things.  Could it be safe?  Stable? Comfortable?  Or has it become stagnant, and never changing?

The deep.  Could be dangerous, could be new and exciting.  Or it could mean  there is the ‘unknown’.   But is the unknown always meant to be scary?  I find it exhilarating!!  I think I like the deep water.  It is calm, cool and still. I can float on my back, look at the moon and breathe.  Finally breathe.

Heads up, I feel rambly and wandery.

And now back on point. 

So, as  I mentioned prior, my marriage has been weird.  Like ‘did I warp into  another dimension type  weird. Everything looks the same, but things are very different.   I mean, I was still roaming around being me, but  the players were all acting different.  I  did mention I did  feel like  a ghost in my marriage.  And  that I decided enough, I’m done, tap me out. 

And then a photo.  Me and a first love.  The first man I ever loved.  And that reminded me all of the things 

  I miss passion, I miss the flutter my heart would feel. (When your heart STOPS  skipping a beat folks,  thee fat lady has sung) I missed the inside jokes, I missed kisses on the back of the neck. I missed a nibble on the neck.  I missed  sharing good news, I missed conversation, I  missed enjoying being near them, and enjoying them.  Hugging, a touch, sex.  Love?

And then I realized all of the things I missed, and a bazillion more, were things that are missing in my marriage. When did it leave?  I am unsure.  Maybe when I was so sick, so weak, and couldn’t even get off the couch. Maybe when you told  me stay on the couch for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, maybe when you didn’t wrap me up  in a blanket, and rushing me  to urgent care?

Maybe when I was bed bound,  and couldn’t think clearly?  When I was so weak, I was sleeping 16 hours a day?   Was it when I could barely drive to yet another doctors appointment? Was it when I couldn’t retain any new information?  Or when I couldn’t remember words?  Or maybe when I spent months, MONTHS!  Speaking in half sentences, only thinking I was conversing normally.   Only to  realize that the other part of the thought was only in my head.  Maybe it was when I read the same paragraph for 45 minutes.

Or maybe when my body was attacking itself.  When my immune system was total haywire?  Or maybe it was when my spinal column was swollen, and my nerves were on fire,   Or maybe the love ran off, while I  would  be awoken in the middle of the nigh, crying, shaking, and soaking wet, due to muscle tenderness and pain, and skeletal pain, a pain that felt like a sledge hammer hitting my femurs over and over again?

Maybe when I  had to demand a new bed, one I could actually get some sleep in, stretch out, be comfortable, and moved it  into my now permanent bedroom 

Maybe it left when I began to collect Doctors and Specialists like Pokémon cards?  Maybe when I had to have the first of many, many CT scans and nerve conduction tests?  Maybe it snuck out while getting countless rounds of bloodwork and vials and vials of blood.

And that folks was only the first 6 months.

Or maybe they left when I told you how scared I was, or maybe they ran off, because even all things are scared of  hematologist oncologists.

*this is when  I really don’t have a partner…*

Our hematologist oncologist. The very one who helped save you.  The one who knows us, knows me.  He. Is truly family.  The  man who explained how very sick I was.  The man who let my cry, as I told him all the symptoms. The man who knew my mind was once lightning fast and  could recall the slightest detail.  Knowing that I had zero issues communicating.  And now he got to see me struggling to find words.  Struggling to get a point across, or asking questions.  Now he is telling me he felt something odd in my right breast. And my lymph nodes are very swollen. And the pain in my right breast could  be due to the nodes.  And due to me falling, and my cognitive issues and being dizzy and lightheaded for months we need to do 2 MRI’s  One to rule out breast cancer, and the other one…

The  other one to check for  a past brain bleed, swelling, shrinkage and blockage.  For masses, tumors, cancer. Kidney cancer likes to pop up in the brain.  And I am a Kidney Cancer Survivor.  ( oh wait kids, it gets worse)!

I’ve been haunted from that ghost for 12 years.  Was it time to pay for those 12 years?  

Then, he told me more bloodwork, he wants a deeper dive of the mess that is now my blood.

He wants to rule out all blood born illnesses, rule out  the leukemias. Rule out other blood cancers.  Check for more infections.  Including  HIV and Aids (no worries kids, that is actually pretty standard for MECFS) 

Oh yes, he wants the MRI’s  ASAP.  Well, that is never good.  So he makes sure I understand (yes) any questions (nope got  it) and gives me a hug, and said “i got you, don’t worry ok” (love that man so!)

I luck out and able to get a single appointment for  both MRI’s in a few days. On a Friday, I call my husband tell him all about it, and just  about  to tell him why I need a brain MRI.. he interrupted me, asked the date, then said “we are supposed to go out  of town THAT  day.  And how he is allowed to be disappointed about  not going blah blah fuckity blah..

Umm..

Yeah.

Ouch….just  fucking ouch.

Huge figh,  no he didn’t take me to that appointment, and on the way I removed him from my emergency contact list for all of my doctors.  Took enough Xanax to knock giraffe out, daughter drove me to the appointment.  No, husband did not check in on me, took off early the next day for a day trip with daughter.. acts fine on Sunday.

You know writing this out, looking over this.. damn, that’s some  messed up shit.you did me dirty husband.. you really did me dirty

Now  earlier this evening.. husband cannot remember the booted one (my BFF, had foot surgery) had surgery, welp, only told you 4 times…not my fault you don’t listen, or are too damn drunk to remember..

Then I’m told that I always say ‘I told you 3 times’ (some  reason 3 was the magic number) and I don’t think you really do.. I think you are doing it to make me crazy he said.. *wut?!?!*  

Remember, all day, things just seemed off, the energies were super charged and crazy..and at that very moment, I feel the air become electric. I swear sparks would fly out of my fingers if I willed  it…

I told him I am not going  to to fight with him,  and turn around to walk away, and he said he has had enough and wants a divorce.

In that very moment,  the energy changes, things  immediately felt calmer, the pressure is finally gone.

I look him in the eye and said “so do I” and grab my purse, tell him I need cream for  my coffee and leave.

It’s out there universe..  

I needed to really dig deep universe.  I really needed to have that primordial scream.  And the stuck parts…finally flowing away from me.

I feel so much more emotionally and mentally lighter.

Because no matter how he act (I’m betting  on pretending it did’t happen.. gotta love the I don’t remember bullshit excuse)  I’m betting nothing will change for him,  He will continue to be a functioning alcoholic and I am less and less bogged down, and a whole lot  free.

Started this post with  the song Freedom! And the last song I am  listening  to.. “I’m not Mad” by Halsey very befitting 

I really should send that old love of mine,  a quick note, letting him know how much he helped even if it was just his image. 

Life…..(The one where JoElla has deep thoughts)

 I really don’t have topics planned out,  I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it.  I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest.  If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank.  Clam up, become. Stagnant. 

Sometimes you just need to see things typed out,  see where your mind, soul and heart are.  Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind.  Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars.  Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself.  Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious.  Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.

I’m going through  something..  I can’t quite put my finger quite on it.  Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster?  And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’.  Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer.  Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but  hey, who’s counting) has  brought back long dead creativity.  Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy.  Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well?  Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer.   Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy? 

Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore.  Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid  conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to  the surface to mess with me.

Maybe it is time to  reclaim myself again.  I mean I was still me,  just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me. 

Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through.  Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!  

*faceplant*

*heavy sigh*

*rolls  eyes*

*scoff*

*ponders*

A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me.  Some directly related one and  another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected. 

An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend,  missing items, a song, a smell.  Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams,  repeated dreams.  

My marriage.  Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..

Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow,  see where they go.  And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.    

Like finally admitting to myself, that  yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back.  But the  synchronicity of the two are related. 

Maybe, just maybe all of these  random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make.  Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them.   Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that  girl who was  able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up  eyes.  Forgiving the woman who she is  now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things.  And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels,  and let them go.  

Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off.  Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting.  Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion.  Time to truly have faith and take the leap.

That damn green comet ( The one where JoElla feels in a funk, and hell bent to get out of it)

 I swear, ever time a comet comes close to Earth, my life becomes total chaotic, out of synch, and a bazillion different feels. Things just become shaken, rattled and upturned.  Things that I thought I would never do, becomes doable. (Good, bad and ugly) And usually if  I have neglected to take stock of my life, edit my life, discard things no longer working in my life, add more of what is working in my life, and basically take deep, hard look at my life….a comet will force this hand on me.

From all the way back from Gobekli Tepe times to current.  Comets have been thought of as harbingers of bad things, precursors to pandemics and other natural disasters.  Now on the flip side of this, they can also be seen as harbingers of good things.  Also it can mean a rebirth, a new start.  Your basic ‘shake up the birdcage’ get your house in order.

Ever since March 2nd of 2020,  my life has been bitchslapped by the Rona, and now in September 2023, I feel like I am finally exiting the fog. FINALLY!! After years of medical testing, and more testing, and scary scary testing, and finally a few diagnosis and just putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to survive. The slow climb back up to normal, and finally feeling like I am as back as I can be (Doh!! Sounds tres dramatic, but kinda accurate) I look back into my life and wonder WHAT THE HELL!?!?! I see the aftermath of my life. I’ve been in. GIRL DOWN!  GURRRRRLLLLLLL DOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN mode, progressing finally to dust my self off GURRRLL GONNA BE OKAY but may crash mode….. This green comet is right on time. 

I see where I lost my power, I see where I lost my strength (mentally and physically). I see where my body said no more.  I see where I should have stood my ground but unable to. I see where I excelled at being my own advocate. A lot of word salad, but that is what happened.  In a strange way, my illness was  like a cocoon, a forced time out, a forced time where I had to  focus on me.  They say ‘make sure to  take care of your health, or your health will force you to take care of it’ actually is very true.

I lost my job, unable to work on computers. Thankfully I can now work on my tablet with a  keyboard.  And not many jobs that offer that luxury.  My energy levels vary day today. So now I need to be creative, and think outside of the box about what types of work I can do. Not easy for a 56 year  old, but most definitely doable.

Stress… such a tricky and normal emotion we all go through.  My doctors all ask how my stress levels are. Well, during a friggen pandemic,  we all had high levels of stress…add on current world events, we are all stressed all the time.  But what I have learned is, I can can have some control in the way I deal with stress.  Now I am about to get all “woo wooo” here, but, I have learned to meditate, and that brings  me back to center.  I feel better when I can be in nature. Be it outside, or  looking out my windows. Music and sound emerging. Be it nature sounds, megahertz or angry rock. Hey whatever works.   I learned that utilizing these new techniques could quiet my mind, my body and my inflamed nervous systems.  I finally have learned  to  let go of things that I couldn’t change.  And different ways to handle things that I can. This my friends, was hard, so  very hard to learn, and one that we have to continue learning.  

My illness.  Yes it  sucks, but finally I am firmly in the acceptance part. (Gee only to me 3.5 years) and I actually do have some control with it.   I  may crash, but I do have a few ways to calm my body and mind and now know when I need rest.  I actually do have the ability to control some outcomes

My marriage.  Well… it takes 2 people to make it work,  and most def 2 to fuck it up.  It is sad that something is ending. I see so many things I  could have done differently, and so many things right.  So did he.  But when you realize you have been making yourself smaller and smaller so you can fit in their life…and they don’t want to evolve and grow with you..  one day you realize you are emotionally gasping, fighting for air.. There are a few, ok a million other things that I wont mention at the moment that aided in the demise of my marriage. And then you realize you don’t love them anymore.  You realize you have been living as friendly roommates, and not as a husband and a wife. Sometimes not even friends.  I had to take a  very long and hard look at us, I had to feel around in the murky darkness trying to locate any real love that might be left in me.  And I had  to realize that he didn’t love me anymore either.  What it boils down to is,  we  are simply on different paths now.   I don’t hate him, he isn’t  a bad person, just not the person for me.

I look forward to getting to know myself in this new chapter.  I still am grateful for each and every day, and for new lesson, and learning from my mistakes.  I cautiously am taking steps and learning to become 1 instead of  2.  And becoming smarter about  money and all the other trails and triumphs that I will encounter. 

In reality, I need green comets in my life.  Because they can push you out of your comfort zone, make you take a long look and really see your life for what it is, and can be a catalyst for a much needed change.

Super Blue Moon (the one where JoElla waxes on poetically)

 Did you see the moon tonight?

Were you watching it rise the same time I did?

I bet it was beautiful seeing it in the  desert.

Did you feel me thinking about you? Wishing you were here.

Did you feel me thinking about you?  Wishing you well.

I long for you to hold me tight,  Whispering in my ear that you will love me forever.

I wish I could touch your scar one more time.

I wish I could look deep into your eyes again,

Do I haunt your dreams like you do mine? Making me mess you more.

Do you ache for me?  Feeling empty and lost, knowing I’m what’s missing?

Can you hear me calling out for you?  Needing you, waiting for you…

You are still such a ghost that haunts my heart and soul

Daddy issues I set thee free!!!! (The one where JoElla sheds things she no longer needs)

 Happy birthday farther of mine.  You turn 76 today. I wish you health, I wish you well, hell, I even wish you another trip around the sun.  I can wish you these things, and then cast them into the wind.  I don’t really need or want to know if they reach you, pass you, or get stuck in a tumble weed.

You see, not all of us get the kind of fathers we need, or want. Sometimes we get one made from the leftover parts from the universes lost and found box.  And looking at life through the lens of a child, can kinda mess a girl up.  We simply do not have the life experiences under our belts to understand its their issues, and theirs alone.  As a child, we can’t see this yet.  But as a teenager…. We begin to notice that something isn’t right. We notice how they treat our mothers, and notice how they treat us.  That this man, the one who is supposed to love and cherish you, becomes the one who makes you question your worth, your self confidence, your abilities to choose wisely.  Life as a teenage girl was hard enough, and these things makes it harder.

I grew up hearing how so and so’s kid did whatever soooo much better, or whatever achievements you made, were just not that important, or that field you were thinking, no, not for you because blah blah fuckity blah reason.  Let’s not forget my fellow teammate’s mom you decided to screw.  No dear father, not awkward at all.

As a teenage girl critter, you need a fathers to be your champion. She needs you to teach her what a healthy relationship looks like. You leave her twisting in the wind, without an anchor to keep her from blowing away.   And yes I know many girls grow up without a father, and their mothers do an incredible job, and I am so very thankful for mine.  

Looking back to my teenage years, I *think* we had some good memories, I also*think*  I even had some good childhood memories.   They are cloudy with time, murky and fleeting.  Are they mine, or are they  just what someone told me..  the water is dark, father of mine, and try as I might, I simply can’t conjure them up. What I do  remember are the many times you stabbed your only child in the heart.  And that every gift or nice thing done, came with an emotional  price tag.  Or finding the papers you had drawn up stating that in lieu of child support you let me live in your house.I was thankful to move to Texas with my mom.

Now unbeknown to me at the time, my subconscious mind began to work on laying the groundwork, making plans to go  no contact with you.  I was 19, and flew back to see you.  Walking back into what was once my teenage home, I noticed the air seemed thick, and the house felt heavy.  Almost a bad juju feeling. It was hard to remember that there was once laughter and joy.  Filled with my wild friends and dance parties and sneaking  some of your booze. Finding your pot and realizing that as a teen, me and my friends could score better pot than you could.  It was hard to remember that  I would sneak out  of my sliding glass door, to sit on the retaining wall and look at the city lights, or to enjoy the beauty of the full moon in the desert night. Or making love with the man I thought I would marry. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt. It  was Mom and I that made the house special, it was us that gave the house  a heart and soul, and when we left you, we took the heart and soul with us.

I remember being so thankful that you had a business trip, and you were gone for most of my stay.  It was  so awkward and tense. I felt like I was intruding, even though you seemed excited for me to visit.   Then  only to be told I couldn’t stay in my old room, as  it was being used for something else. Which was devastating to that long ago 19 year old girl.  I guess I was hoping that since you didn’t  see me for over a year, that perhaps you would realize  I was worthy of your  time,  and your  love. And at 19, I was hoping we could start fresh, and  have a relationship as a grown daughter and her father.  Well, that  didn’t go as planned.

As I said earlier, my subconscious mind was working overtime to protect my heart and soul. And when I flew home, like a samurai with their sword, I cut the ties to you.And I found  it easier and easier not to call you as time went on. The pain was still there for a  long time, and it took years to undo the damage, but I was able to do it.

Looking back now, as an adult, as a mother…  it is mind  boggling that you so easily let your only child go.  As a parent, I could never ever do that. I would rather die. And I sure as hell made sure to marry someone who also wouldn’t.  I can see you fully and clearly, that sadly, you were a very damaged  individual, and that your broken bag of toys, were not mine to fix.  And as an adult, and a mother, I’m glad I cut ties, because  I would be damned if I let your toxic ways near my children.

In a way, it really is sad, because you missed out on so much.  You will never get to know me as an adult or get to know my adult children, or know that I am a 15 year cancer survivor, or know that I have lived a love filled life.  And that me and my trio were blessed with a wonderful stepfather, and a much loved Boompa.

So here you go father of mine, I am returning this big ole ball of toxic mess.  I am ready to shed this finally.  I no longer need it.

Long time no see blog of mine.

 Lots of life has been lived since the last time looked  logged into my blog.  So much time, so many things has changed, so many different things going on in the world.

Husband had cancer, I thought about chronicling the journey, but it truly wasn’t my story to tell.. plus, I just plain didn’t have the energy, and was truly just trying to get through the ordeal.

A crazy election cycle also hit.  And it tore families and and friends and neighbors and our country apart (acccording to the media, and facebook).  Personally, my stance is, as long as one votes, that’s all that mattered.   Somehow along the way, politics became a sport, people rooting for their choice. Umm ok.  I might have rolled my eyes at times, but would never think of “unfriending” anyone I considered a true friend, never thought less of them.  IMO diversity is the spice of life. I don’t want to be surrounded by people who only think like I do and that’s it.  How is one to learn something from another POV?   Or see things from a different perspective? And how very boring boring would life be?

Then we had a pandemic.  I have many thoughts on that.   Many. Thoughts. On. That. It was a life changing event that will forever change our lives.  

Unbeknownst to me, I was drafted in round one of the Rona games, and well it wasn’t kind to me.  I am a Long Covid survivor, with post secondary infection of Cronic Epstine Barr Virus and MECFS.  It was one tough rodeo, and I expand on this journey with my blog.  After 3.5 years, I still can’t work on a computer , thankfully I can work off my tablet with an attached keyboard (FINALLY!!!!!)

So, the future of this  blog… will be whatever pops into my mind and discuss what issues. II find important. Chronicling this thing called life.