Gotta love a SUPER MOON!! (The one where JoElla might be a tad angry and howls at the moon)

 It’s Super Moon Ya’ll!!  And Luna is  shaking things up!!  She is busting loose things that are stagnant, blocked and other energies that are trapped, and need to move the hell on.

And I am listing to George Michael’s Freedom!   So, so damn fitting!   

Earlier today, I just felt off, just felt frazzled, and discombobulated.  Antsy and jumpy and couldn’t navigate up, down, or even sideways.  On the verge of tears, or wanting to yell.  It felt like I need to scream, let out this primal guttural yell.  Something deep down inside of me needed out.

Now Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians singing What I AM now.

‘Shove me in the shallow water, before I get too deep’  

Am I getting too deep? Dunno.  Do I want to go back into the shallow water?  Dunno.   

Lets break down that lyric..  Shallow water, could mean many different things.  Could it be safe?  Stable? Comfortable?  Or has it become stagnant, and never changing?

The deep.  Could be dangerous, could be new and exciting.  Or it could mean  there is the ‘unknown’.   But is the unknown always meant to be scary?  I find it exhilarating!!  I think I like the deep water.  It is calm, cool and still. I can float on my back, look at the moon and breathe.  Finally breathe.

Heads up, I feel rambly and wandery.

And now back on point. 

So, as  I mentioned prior, my marriage has been weird.  Like ‘did I warp into  another dimension type  weird. Everything looks the same, but things are very different.   I mean, I was still roaming around being me, but  the players were all acting different.  I  did mention I did  feel like  a ghost in my marriage.  And  that I decided enough, I’m done, tap me out. 

And then a photo.  Me and a first love.  The first man I ever loved.  And that reminded me all of the things 

  I miss passion, I miss the flutter my heart would feel. (When your heart STOPS  skipping a beat folks,  thee fat lady has sung) I missed the inside jokes, I missed kisses on the back of the neck. I missed a nibble on the neck.  I missed  sharing good news, I missed conversation, I  missed enjoying being near them, and enjoying them.  Hugging, a touch, sex.  Love?

And then I realized all of the things I missed, and a bazillion more, were things that are missing in my marriage. When did it leave?  I am unsure.  Maybe when I was so sick, so weak, and couldn’t even get off the couch. Maybe when you told  me stay on the couch for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, maybe when you didn’t wrap me up  in a blanket, and rushing me  to urgent care?

Maybe when I was bed bound,  and couldn’t think clearly?  When I was so weak, I was sleeping 16 hours a day?   Was it when I could barely drive to yet another doctors appointment? Was it when I couldn’t retain any new information?  Or when I couldn’t remember words?  Or maybe when I spent months, MONTHS!  Speaking in half sentences, only thinking I was conversing normally.   Only to  realize that the other part of the thought was only in my head.  Maybe it was when I read the same paragraph for 45 minutes.

Or maybe when my body was attacking itself.  When my immune system was total haywire?  Or maybe it was when my spinal column was swollen, and my nerves were on fire,   Or maybe the love ran off, while I  would  be awoken in the middle of the nigh, crying, shaking, and soaking wet, due to muscle tenderness and pain, and skeletal pain, a pain that felt like a sledge hammer hitting my femurs over and over again?

Maybe when I  had to demand a new bed, one I could actually get some sleep in, stretch out, be comfortable, and moved it  into my now permanent bedroom 

Maybe it left when I began to collect Doctors and Specialists like Pokémon cards?  Maybe when I had to have the first of many, many CT scans and nerve conduction tests?  Maybe it snuck out while getting countless rounds of bloodwork and vials and vials of blood.

And that folks was only the first 6 months.

Or maybe they left when I told you how scared I was, or maybe they ran off, because even all things are scared of  hematologist oncologists.

*this is when  I really don’t have a partner…*

Our hematologist oncologist. The very one who helped save you.  The one who knows us, knows me.  He. Is truly family.  The  man who explained how very sick I was.  The man who let my cry, as I told him all the symptoms. The man who knew my mind was once lightning fast and  could recall the slightest detail.  Knowing that I had zero issues communicating.  And now he got to see me struggling to find words.  Struggling to get a point across, or asking questions.  Now he is telling me he felt something odd in my right breast. And my lymph nodes are very swollen. And the pain in my right breast could  be due to the nodes.  And due to me falling, and my cognitive issues and being dizzy and lightheaded for months we need to do 2 MRI’s  One to rule out breast cancer, and the other one…

The  other one to check for  a past brain bleed, swelling, shrinkage and blockage.  For masses, tumors, cancer. Kidney cancer likes to pop up in the brain.  And I am a Kidney Cancer Survivor.  ( oh wait kids, it gets worse)!

I’ve been haunted from that ghost for 12 years.  Was it time to pay for those 12 years?  

Then, he told me more bloodwork, he wants a deeper dive of the mess that is now my blood.

He wants to rule out all blood born illnesses, rule out  the leukemias. Rule out other blood cancers.  Check for more infections.  Including  HIV and Aids (no worries kids, that is actually pretty standard for MECFS) 

Oh yes, he wants the MRI’s  ASAP.  Well, that is never good.  So he makes sure I understand (yes) any questions (nope got  it) and gives me a hug, and said “i got you, don’t worry ok” (love that man so!)

I luck out and able to get a single appointment for  both MRI’s in a few days. On a Friday, I call my husband tell him all about it, and just  about  to tell him why I need a brain MRI.. he interrupted me, asked the date, then said “we are supposed to go out  of town THAT  day.  And how he is allowed to be disappointed about  not going blah blah fuckity blah..

Umm..

Yeah.

Ouch….just  fucking ouch.

Huge figh,  no he didn’t take me to that appointment, and on the way I removed him from my emergency contact list for all of my doctors.  Took enough Xanax to knock giraffe out, daughter drove me to the appointment.  No, husband did not check in on me, took off early the next day for a day trip with daughter.. acts fine on Sunday.

You know writing this out, looking over this.. damn, that’s some  messed up shit.you did me dirty husband.. you really did me dirty

Now  earlier this evening.. husband cannot remember the booted one (my BFF, had foot surgery) had surgery, welp, only told you 4 times…not my fault you don’t listen, or are too damn drunk to remember..

Then I’m told that I always say ‘I told you 3 times’ (some  reason 3 was the magic number) and I don’t think you really do.. I think you are doing it to make me crazy he said.. *wut?!?!*  

Remember, all day, things just seemed off, the energies were super charged and crazy..and at that very moment, I feel the air become electric. I swear sparks would fly out of my fingers if I willed  it…

I told him I am not going  to to fight with him,  and turn around to walk away, and he said he has had enough and wants a divorce.

In that very moment,  the energy changes, things  immediately felt calmer, the pressure is finally gone.

I look him in the eye and said “so do I” and grab my purse, tell him I need cream for  my coffee and leave.

It’s out there universe..  

I needed to really dig deep universe.  I really needed to have that primordial scream.  And the stuck parts…finally flowing away from me.

I feel so much more emotionally and mentally lighter.

Because no matter how he act (I’m betting  on pretending it did’t happen.. gotta love the I don’t remember bullshit excuse)  I’m betting nothing will change for him,  He will continue to be a functioning alcoholic and I am less and less bogged down, and a whole lot  free.

Started this post with  the song Freedom! And the last song I am  listening  to.. “I’m not Mad” by Halsey very befitting 

I really should send that old love of mine,  a quick note, letting him know how much he helped even if it was just his image. 

Life…..(The one where JoElla has deep thoughts)

 I really don’t have topics planned out,  I usually just get a thought or a whim and run with it.  I use this platform to get things out of my head. Just let the fingers to the rest.  If I think too much what I am writing about, I freeze, go blank.  Clam up, become. Stagnant. 

Sometimes you just need to see things typed out,  see where your mind, soul and heart are.  Sometimes you just need to purge, think, and process thoughts that are swirling in your mind.  Sometimes you need to release old demons and nurture old scars.  Sometimes you need to play with great memories, remember feelings and check up on yourself.  Remember when you were fearless, brave and audacious.  Maybe you need to visit your inner bad ass, and bring the very essence of you out.

I’m going through  something..  I can’t quite put my finger quite on it.  Could it be that my life for the last 3 and a half years has been a crazy clown roller coaster?  And I need to gather my thoughts and organize them? Feel then and realize that ‘girl, you been through it’.  Maybe I need to just be for a bit, and let the fog burn off a little longer.  Maybe this blog (brought back to life for the 3rd time, but  hey, who’s counting) has  brought back long dead creativity.  Breathed new life into me, helping me to remember how much I love life. And I love laughter and joy.  Maybe if I am feeling this way, maybe others are as well?  Maybe we are all letting the fog burn off a little longer.   Can you just imagine the collective shift in energy? 

Maybe I’m not as scared of #longcovid and #mecfs and Epstein Barr virus anymore.  Maybe I am done with looking over my shoulder, and waiting for a new weird “ailment” to pop up, yet another dormant thing #longcovid  conjoining up that is buried deep inside of me, bringing up to  the surface to mess with me.

Maybe it is time to  reclaim myself again.  I mean I was still me,  just a very dull, dimmed and frightened me. 

Or maybe it is a natural phase I am going through.  Oh gawd, could I have fallen prey to the very unoriginal tres boring mid life crisis?!?!?!  

*faceplant*

*heavy sigh*

*rolls  eyes*

*scoff*

*ponders*

A very weird bunch of synchronized things have been happening lately for me.  Some directly related one and  another, some were more on the fringe, but all connected. 

An old friend sending a picture, a very rare dream about my dad, an old boyfriend,  missing items, a song, a smell.  Crazy dreams, very detailed dreams, and places that have occurred in other dreams,  repeated dreams.  

My marriage.  Like my father’s house, I feel like a ghost walking around in it. Everything looks the same, but there just isn’t any soul in it..

Maybe because I took an ‘adult gummy’ and as stated above, I just let thoughts flow,  see where they go.  And able to look at my thoughts very analytically.    

Like finally admitting to myself, that  yes, I am in fact, very sad about my marriage, and no, that does not mean I want an old boyfriend back.  But the  synchronicity of the two are related. 

Maybe, just maybe all of these  random things that are loosely connected, are pushing me towards the choices I have to make.  Knowing the good and the bad from these, taking the lessons learned, and time to apply them.   Time to forgive that wounded girl for messing up so badly, that  girl who was  able to finally allow herself to see her father with grown up  eyes.  Forgiving the woman who she is  now, knowing she is done with her marriage, instead of the woman who cosplays happy wife, while scrambling to fix things.  And accepting the fact that I have to feel all the feels,  and let them go.  

Time to have the conversations I need to have, and quit putting them off.  Time to quit hoping, wishing and wanting.  Time for no longer being stagnant, time for action and forward motion.  Time to truly have faith and take the leap.

That damn green comet ( The one where JoElla feels in a funk, and hell bent to get out of it)

 I swear, ever time a comet comes close to Earth, my life becomes total chaotic, out of synch, and a bazillion different feels. Things just become shaken, rattled and upturned.  Things that I thought I would never do, becomes doable. (Good, bad and ugly) And usually if  I have neglected to take stock of my life, edit my life, discard things no longer working in my life, add more of what is working in my life, and basically take deep, hard look at my life….a comet will force this hand on me.

From all the way back from Gobekli Tepe times to current.  Comets have been thought of as harbingers of bad things, precursors to pandemics and other natural disasters.  Now on the flip side of this, they can also be seen as harbingers of good things.  Also it can mean a rebirth, a new start.  Your basic ‘shake up the birdcage’ get your house in order.

Ever since March 2nd of 2020,  my life has been bitchslapped by the Rona, and now in September 2023, I feel like I am finally exiting the fog. FINALLY!! After years of medical testing, and more testing, and scary scary testing, and finally a few diagnosis and just putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to survive. The slow climb back up to normal, and finally feeling like I am as back as I can be (Doh!! Sounds tres dramatic, but kinda accurate) I look back into my life and wonder WHAT THE HELL!?!?! I see the aftermath of my life. I’ve been in. GIRL DOWN!  GURRRRRLLLLLLL DOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNNNNNN mode, progressing finally to dust my self off GURRRLL GONNA BE OKAY but may crash mode….. This green comet is right on time. 

I see where I lost my power, I see where I lost my strength (mentally and physically). I see where my body said no more.  I see where I should have stood my ground but unable to. I see where I excelled at being my own advocate. A lot of word salad, but that is what happened.  In a strange way, my illness was  like a cocoon, a forced time out, a forced time where I had to  focus on me.  They say ‘make sure to  take care of your health, or your health will force you to take care of it’ actually is very true.

I lost my job, unable to work on computers. Thankfully I can now work on my tablet with a  keyboard.  And not many jobs that offer that luxury.  My energy levels vary day today. So now I need to be creative, and think outside of the box about what types of work I can do. Not easy for a 56 year  old, but most definitely doable.

Stress… such a tricky and normal emotion we all go through.  My doctors all ask how my stress levels are. Well, during a friggen pandemic,  we all had high levels of stress…add on current world events, we are all stressed all the time.  But what I have learned is, I can can have some control in the way I deal with stress.  Now I am about to get all “woo wooo” here, but, I have learned to meditate, and that brings  me back to center.  I feel better when I can be in nature. Be it outside, or  looking out my windows. Music and sound emerging. Be it nature sounds, megahertz or angry rock. Hey whatever works.   I learned that utilizing these new techniques could quiet my mind, my body and my inflamed nervous systems.  I finally have learned  to  let go of things that I couldn’t change.  And different ways to handle things that I can. This my friends, was hard, so  very hard to learn, and one that we have to continue learning.  

My illness.  Yes it  sucks, but finally I am firmly in the acceptance part. (Gee only to me 3.5 years) and I actually do have some control with it.   I  may crash, but I do have a few ways to calm my body and mind and now know when I need rest.  I actually do have the ability to control some outcomes

My marriage.  Well… it takes 2 people to make it work,  and most def 2 to fuck it up.  It is sad that something is ending. I see so many things I  could have done differently, and so many things right.  So did he.  But when you realize you have been making yourself smaller and smaller so you can fit in their life…and they don’t want to evolve and grow with you..  one day you realize you are emotionally gasping, fighting for air.. There are a few, ok a million other things that I wont mention at the moment that aided in the demise of my marriage. And then you realize you don’t love them anymore.  You realize you have been living as friendly roommates, and not as a husband and a wife. Sometimes not even friends.  I had to take a  very long and hard look at us, I had to feel around in the murky darkness trying to locate any real love that might be left in me.  And I had  to realize that he didn’t love me anymore either.  What it boils down to is,  we  are simply on different paths now.   I don’t hate him, he isn’t  a bad person, just not the person for me.

I look forward to getting to know myself in this new chapter.  I still am grateful for each and every day, and for new lesson, and learning from my mistakes.  I cautiously am taking steps and learning to become 1 instead of  2.  And becoming smarter about  money and all the other trails and triumphs that I will encounter. 

In reality, I need green comets in my life.  Because they can push you out of your comfort zone, make you take a long look and really see your life for what it is, and can be a catalyst for a much needed change.