Guess who’s back, back again… (The one where JoElla’s back again with a full moon)

 Hello internet peeps, been a long time.

I needed a break during the Holidays. Didn’t we all?  Didn’t it seem like the whole dang world had a Rona hangover?  Didn’t it seem like that we as a collective just didn’t give a damn?  Didn’t just seem like we were all  just burnt out?  

The world  is still an epic shit show.   And yet oddly, for us Gen X’ers, we have a real sense of  deja vu.

Gather round young  ones, lemme tell you bout how we Gen X’ers used to be…..

We were  wild, feral and  the  OG latch key kids.. they had  to make commercials reminding our parents of us.  “It’s 10 o’clock do you know where  your kids are”?  *I so need to remember how  to drop a video and  pictures in* we used ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE HAIRSPRAY, and  our parents were too busy fucking up their own lives, to pay attention to ours.  But somewhere in our wild feral  hearts,  a flicker of hope, a small spark that started a world wide  movement.  We were Liveaid, Hands across America,  we signed up for Amnesty International in droves.  We were having sexual awakening just  as  AIDS came to the forefront and we lived through  and were shaped by the Cold War.

Now, every batshit crazy country has  some form of a nuke type weapons.  

Seriously Universe, if I have to live  through this type of crazy again,  can I please be sent back to the 80’s I promise  I  will make better choices.

So let’s talk about this moon.  This  full moon is in Leo, creation and destruction.  And Luna is opposite of Pluto.  We (if we are paying  attention) we should see blockages and stuck patterns more objectively and hopefully be able to break through them.   This full moon can bring up things that started back in August 2023  

Luna will also be opposite of Pluto and conjunt with the Sun

The Sun and Leo are all about creation  and life, Pluto is over here being all about destruction, decomposition and decay, and death.  Pluto  also brings things to light to be exposed. The whole let it burn down so newness can grow. Kind of exciting if you ask me.

So even though the full moon already happened, you still have a window for you to cast aside things you do not want to bring  into 2023. So think about what no longer serves you and let go.

Don’t forget to set your intentions.  Cast some seeds to the Universe, let’s watch them grow together.

Maybe if we all just take a few moments to be grateful for any types of things, big or small, grand or silly, then collectively we can raise the vibrations.  Maybe, just maybe, we can start to counterbalance the low vibrations.  

Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.  

Listening to sad songs…..(the one where JoElla is hurt and angry)

 So husband has said that I am pushing him towards divorce. *eye roll* Dude, where in the hell have you been??  

So now that he keeps saying it, it is supposed to have merit?  Have more weight?  More validity? Be more urgent? 

*Gah*

*Grumble*

FUCK YOU!!

I am so sick and tired of you making EVERYTHING about you or your idea.  Seriously??  I am so sick and tired of you not validating my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thoughts,  my everything..

Go ahead and drink until your fatty alcohol liver explodes.. Go ahead and hide behind booze… Go ahead of hiding from life, and go the fuck ahead and keep blaming me.

You drew first blood, with your sorry ass response to a question about missing condoms,  you gave the answer of a lying, cheating rat bastard son of a bitch, and a coward.  You deflected answers and turned it around on me.  You gaslighted me and acted like how dare I even ask..

You started this, and i’m finishing it.  END. OF. STORY.

Now you are acting all big and tough, and telling me that I will have to move out and lie with my mother.  You see assbite, that used to be something that terrified me,  a worst case scenario.  And that was almost 20 years ago.  And way back only lasted a few years.  

I guess someone (him) wants to travel in the way back machine, and deal with JoElla circa 2004, and not the JoElla of 2023.  Your empty threats don’t scare me, they down’s worry me, (no physical threat, just emotional damage)  You see buddy, you only think you have any real power over me.  The truth is, you never did.  I just had to remember that years ago,  And once I did remember, it never left me.

It just really fucking hurts that once again, you showed me just how very little my feelings matter to you.

It just really fucking hurts that a few years ago, I thought you hung the moon.  And a few years further back, while you were fighting cancer, the thought of you dying,  hurt so much, that I had to remind  myself to breathe.  And  now, I  only feel emptiness and anger, and  contempt.

I really hate the fact that you now act like this  wounded soul, some type of wronged man, hurt by the evil woman.

I absolutely hate the fact that you just refused to see how unhappy I was. And that  every time I tried to talk about it, instead of having a conversation, you somehow  turned my feelings  into all about you and your needs and wants not met.  And slam and blame me.  Because if pertains to  JoElla, it’s not important.  Geese, no wonder why I never mention about being in pain every day.. you get this glazed look in your eyes, and then look right past me.

I am so angry about how you treated me when I became sick.  How could you do that to me?  And now, you act like I made it all up,  You act like it never happened.  You act like I am just lazy, and won’t do anything.  And you  have the audacity to act like some damn martyr who sacrificed oh so  much.

I  AM JUST SO  FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CAST AS YOUR BAD GUY.  Seriously, grow a pair, and take some responsibility for your own actions.  

You have made me feel so unloved in so many ways  You have made me feel so unimportant. You made me feel so unwanted.  Telling me that you predicted one day our sex life would tank, because you would be tired, and you said  it in such a smug way.  like you were proud it came true.  Making me initiate sex,  then getting mad because  I might have been snockered and a bit high, because a relaxed and pain free  JoElla is a very fun JoElla. I even explained that you and reassured you of that.   But trying to talk about your erection problem was  a no go.  That most def was a “JoElla” problem and never a “you” problem.  Or your very self inflected case of ‘whiskey dick” or the fact that sex with you finally and painfully, made me feel so  empty and more lonely.  That’s when I stopped initiating.  And I don’t even think you cared, or  noticed.  And now, the very, very rare occasion you do actually touch me, I recoil, I tense up and flinch.  Your touch is  now poison to  me.  And this was way before the missing condoms.

You are dead to my heart.  I cut karma’s ties with you. And I am desperate to reach indifference. Anger used to give me power, and I used to be able to harness it and propel me forward, now I find it exhausting and wearing me down.  Hopefully it is because of the Cronic Fatigue Syndrome and the Epstein Barr Virus, because  I sure could use the  anger. 

I’m hurt that I wasn’t important enough to try for, when there was an iota left to save.

And to add a bit more hurt to this shit show that I call my life….

Ex fiancée…..  I don’t know what I expected.  And guess I wasn’t  that special after all.  I did allow my mind and honestly my heart, do a wee bit of ‘what if…’  and ‘why not’?   I have enjoyed chatting with him, and he has been quite  the gentleman, and nothing inappropriate.  One thing he did mention, did break my heart.  I cried myself to sleep  that night, and felt even worse about a tough decision. Like I said, I don’t know what I expected, but  I did expect something.  And I really don’t even know what that  “something” is.   But i will love that man for the rest of my life.  He always had a piece of my heart, and always will.  

Well hell..(the one where JoElla is in a free fall)

 Some days are just harder putting one foot in front of the other,  Some days you just need your feelings wash over you, you need to let them to toss you around.  Sometimes you just need to stay under water for a bit, before trying to look for the bubbles so you can swim back up to the surface.  Sometimes you just need to sink..  be in the stillness and close your eyes and just float.  Sometimes you need to just give in for a bit, before the survivor urge kicks in.  

I feel this incredible emotional albatross choking me, I feel like I am suffocating,  unable to shake it.. And right now, I feel like I just need to rest in the abyss. knowing I need this rest and recharge period. I know tomorrow I will ‘get knocked down 7 times, get up 8’, but for now.. nope.

Sometimes it all just comes up to the surface, like some ancient volcano, and the top blows, sending emotional wreckage in a million different directions.  Hot and burning and destructive. I do know it is an emotional pressure release,  I understand this, but damn…it hurts like hell when it happens.

Husband continues to act like all is fine and dandy.  Part of me wonders if he is even in the same damn marriage that I am in?  Is it wishful thinking on his part?  Or is it just easier for him to carry on like he didn’t tell me to move out, or say he wanted a divorce. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want  a divorce.  I just want so much more, then he is willing to give, and I cannot always be cast as this great evol princess in his tragic story.  I cannot continue to sit back and watch you waste your life.  I can’t will you to change, I can’t wish you to change.  And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt anymore that you treat strangers kinder than you treat me. That you are mister fucking happy around others, but come home and drink yourself into a numb state. 

I’ve given you ample time to talk about this, but as usual, you will force my hand, and once again make me the villain in your life.  Is your fear of being seen as a bad guy so strong that you are afraid to take action?  Or is is just unwillingness? And does it really matter the hows and why’s at this point?  Could we even agree on the starting point of when things went south?

Our first born is moving back, and my heart hurts for him to see what you have chosen to become. As excited as I am for having all my babies in the same area code, I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this. 

I’m angry at myself for feeling weak, vulnerable and a bit scared.  I’m angry at myself and my body for being sick.  I’m angry that I will be the one who has to initiate the tough conversations…

Maybe I am just angry and hurt that I am not worth the effort.

Am I perfect, god no!  Far from it, but I do have a lot to offer someone worthy of me. I am loving and kind, and generous and I am smart and funny and can communicate my wants and needs.  I want to fill the wants and needs of the person I will eventually live my life with.  And to quote Clark Gable, I need to be kissed and kissed often.   I will defend the person I love till the end of time, and make sure they know I will always have their back.  And if issues arrive, I will work hard to help resolve them.  I want to be an equal, and partner and a friend and lover.  I want to be the safe space they need to land, and want them to do the same.  When I love I love true and deep, and expect that in return.  I  want to grow and evolve with someone, I want idle chit chat as well as deep conversations.  I want to share hopes and dreams and fears and worries with someone, and for them to do the same with me.  I want laughter and to make someone laugh, I want to be able to fight with someone fairly, and with both of us knowing we are listening to hear, and not to respond. I want someone who knows how to and is willing to apologize if need be, because I will do the same.  I want someone who knows I am strong, but never penalize me for being weak, because I would never do that to them.  I want  someone I can lean on when I need to,  and I  want them to lean on me when they need to.  I want someone who is thoughtful and kind.  I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want dancing in the living room and randomly at the grocery store.  I want someone who is secure enough to let me be me, knowing I would never ever hurt them,  or jeopardize us.  And I want them to know I will be secure enough to let them be them, and know they would never jeopardize us.   I want someone to throw cation to the wind with and someone to be responsible  with.  I want someone who prioritizes me, because they will  be my priority.  I want someone who generally likes me as a person, because I can’t love someone if  I don’t like them as a person. I want someone who understands I am just as thrilled with my favorite candy bar (Twix peanut butter) as a surprise, just as much  as 2 dozen roses.  I want someone who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, because they hung the moon in my eyes.  I want someone who knows that I can get dark and broody, and knows  I will be better in a day or two, and if they need to be the dark and broody one, know I will be right there, waiting for them to come out of it. I want someone who understands my need for  independence as i will understand theirs.   I want someone who loves the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, because i will love the good, the bad and the ugly in them.

What I don’t want is, lies, cheating insecurity, pigeon holding me as someone I no longer am.  I don’t want belittling, or  bullshit. I  don’t want someone who constantly turns everything into something about themselves.  I don’t want woe is me, I don’t want someone who is ungrateful for their life, especially when they have everything  to look forward to.  I don’t want  someone who doesn’t understand not making a choice , is in fact a big  ass choice.    I don’t want someone who chooses  to live miserably  especially when they have been given a second chance at life.  I don’t want deflection.  I don’t want someone who chooses to hid behind alcohol.  And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t remember our GOD DAMN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

*deep breathe*

Wow, seeing all of this typed out, seeing my wants/needs vs don’t wants/hell no deal breakers.. very  cathartic and therapeutic.  And I feel like I am ready to swim back up to the surface of  the emotional water, and ready.  Because I was  knocked down 7 times, and got  back up 8.