Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I did. Nice and relaxing. Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip. And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out. Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house. We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s. I so needed it.
And the full moon, boy was this a doozy. It completes 3/4ths of this cycle. And it is bringing up lots of stuff. And it is kicking up a lot.
Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time. I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine. I really want to apologize for a few things. Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart. And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white. I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish body style. It put him back in the forefront of my mind.
Throughout my marriage he was always in my heart and mind. Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always.
Was it fair to husband? Prolly not. And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband? I don’t know. Believe me, I know how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.
Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.
I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband? Do I even want to?
When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache. All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received. I see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful I can lead the man to water, but cannot make him drink.
It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch. And speaking of stress… Thought I had a bit of a handle on it. And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!! Yep, got them under my eye. Which I learned today, is better and safer then above the eye. Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty. So back on antivirals yet again. They are hard on my body and my system. And will take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.
Guess the last fight was harder on me. Of course he was drunk, and I had enough. He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it. It truly was unforgivable, it was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.
Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking. I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a direct blow to my heart, he would weponize it and use it again and again. And I will be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.
He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection. Umm what!? Nope buddy, that was you. You stopped the ‘I love you’s first. I just went along with it. And guess what? It backfired on you. Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore. The less we talked, the more at peace I became. The more I remove myself from you, the calmer I become. The more times I put things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become. The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.
As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become. And you know as well as I do, that is not my nature.
The more resilient I become, the less of your words hurt. And now I make a plan.
I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition. Taking action and setting myself up for freedom. And feeling less and less like a shit for owing the fact, that I need your paycheck and insurance. The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms, and living separately in the same house. I’m just a bit more cautious of where I step.
I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end. I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.
Is it naive and emotional suicide? Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel. And knowing just how very low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it. And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.
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