It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north. And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin. My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.
I
Am
Not
A
Fan
And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city. My sleep cycle is totally jacked up. Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon. And the early darkness, totally messes me up.
When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping. I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from. I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things. It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them. Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them. It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.
Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary. Leaving something that is irrevocably broken is scary. Realizing your husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is scary. But so is staying in a stagnant situation. One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me.
I guess what I am dealing with is mourning. Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become. Mourning for a life that won’t be lived. Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do. And that is hard, so very hard.
You see, I hate being vulnerable. And I am not too fond of change either. Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me. I do see things clearly… I still ask myself “Why”? It isn’t supposed to go this way. But the Reality is, it is going this way. And that I need and want more for my life. And he should as well.
Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on too tightly and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel. Not admitting defeat is truly one of my biggest weaknesses. And now I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.
Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares. Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense. It is powerful, and masterfully fucks with your head and heart. And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer. I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have. And I let if happen. And I have to live with that.
I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted. I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but I do have a completely different perspective of myself. I know I am a million times stronger. And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better. The good, the bad and the ugly. I have zero illusions about myself. And I know it may be a struggle, but in the end, I will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this experience.
I did find this quote and it says:
Yes,
You will rise from the ashes,
but the burning comes first.
For this part, darling, you must be brave.
By Kalen Dion
I just need to remember to be brave. And I need to remember it often.
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