Gallbladders of past come back (The one where JoElla’s liver nearly explodes, and now.. she pissed)

 Hello internet friends.  I know, I know I scampered away again.  And per usual, back in the hospital. But hey, good news, not a stroke this time!!  WHOO HOO!!!!!

My Liver nearly took me out this time.  WHAAAAAAAATTTTT!?

Yep, my friends, the Rona phase one strikes again!! And possibly my phantom gallbladder kicked a stone.  Did y’all know that they leave the gallbladder duct, and it dumps into the intestines, anywho it can kick a stone.  What what  what?? They think that happened, or I had something called “Shock liver” Yep that’s a real thing.  All I know is,  it hurt like a mother fucker!! My liver enzymes were near 900, and the pain meds at urgent care, the drugs there, couldn’t help, so off to hospital I go. Thankfully 2 days in hospital, and a fuck tonne of meds finally home. That kicked my ass big time.  It kicked me into a MECFS?EBV crash.

Oh yes and before that,  I spoke to my new Long Covid Specilalist and we needed to know why I keep getting strokes.So I had to. Put a heart monitor. On me.  Well that wasn’t an accurate read, because I kept pressing it while dry heaving.  So now I have this nifty one that rips off my skin, and makes my under boob hurt. And I get to wear this new one for a month, and if it shows nothing, I get a thingy put in my chest. It will be left in for 3 years.  This will record any strange rhythms. See we need to rule out AFIB for my strokes.  (Personally I think a whole lot of dear husband attacking out of the blue threatening me with divorce after told him I wanted one ALL THE DAMN TIME, and the constant stress that his dumb ass would choke to death, or the other shitty things done by him *coughthrowmyfatherinmyfacecough*

Well hell… ain’t that a bitch.

BUT WAIT!! THERE IS MORE FOLKS I also found out that I can never, ever be off my statain meds,  for the rest of my life.   And if I am a good little medical mess I won’t have to be put on the big guns of blood thinners.  <half ass trying to muster enthusiasm *yeaaaayyy*>

So as you can read, Ive been smacked around by life.  And speaking of life thank everything that is holy, Pluto finally leaves Capricorn on November 19th. GET OUTTA MY LIFE YOU DAMN SEA GOAT!!    You suck!!  Your transit started with my kidney cancer and you nearly exploded my liver. (The transit, not. The sea goat)

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE!!!

Dear husband has gleefully told me he can’t wait to be single. Okay, that hurt, hurt a lot. And apparently I have now morphed into this evil woman for the last 30 years. <wut?>.  

I want to cry that my only crime internet friends..  Was becoming sick.  Trust me, I sure as hell didn’t want to play round on of the covid games… I didnt’want a “post secondary infection”.  I didn’t want this.

I didn’t want everything dormant in my system coming to light.  I didn’t want my heart to act up, I didn’t want to to have strokes.  I didn’t want to have my life implode..

I didn’t want to have old fiancés picture show up in my life, I didn’t want to wonder, and dare I say hope. I didn’t want to find the answer if you have’t been thinking about me.  I know it was a safe fantasy, and it allowed me to remember what love feels like.  I had to confront some heavy things about my choices that the 18 year old made, and allowed to be influenced and bullied.  I could have done things differently, but I didn’t. I have had to learn to forgive that damaged girl, that lost girl, that girl that has learned a lot.  And he made choices as well, and could have done things differently as well. He could have found me.  Even though I knew I would have to be the one who found him. And I don’t want  to mess up my karma that way.  Going to war and end my way out of this fucking marriage, yep that’s a karma I will mess with.  But never wanting to.

And on another tangent,  I need not to keep trying to find the good.   Because there just isn’t any left in hum.  I need to make sure that he isn’t anyone I recognize, and quit trying. I need to remember that he isn’t who I loved anymore.  His inner light, he snuffed out.  Mine still trying to burn bright.

Hard to believe a year ago, I was  ready, so ready, and now, I feel small, and scared.  And I also know I just need to ride this for a bit, take a moment and gather my wits and push forward.  I need to clean up this messy portion of my life.  That way, I can jump in both feet and both eyes open.

So the gummies kicked in and I have thoughts! (the one where JoElla is stoooooooned)

 I had to stop the other post.   Since I have discovered “adult” gummies, I tend to become very philosophical.  And the other post wasn’t this type of vibe. This one is rambling and easy flowing with no direction.   

What I’m listening to right now.. is a new to me Artist named Kina.  It’s  kind of jazzy, with R n B and a twisty cool emo’ish late night, grown up vibe.  

I love it when Spotify throws a cool artist at me. And if the discription of Kina’s music, then look him up on Spotify  and trust me, scroll to the “this is Kina” icon, and give it a listen.  

Finally, my shoulders feel some release. And I can pop my neck by twisting it from side to side. And my mind has slowed way down.  And more playful thoughts are able to come forward.  I love it when my analytical side of my brain slows  down, and my creative side takes over. It feels light, it feels dreamy, it feels flowing.  It feels free.

*crap!!  I feel a  bit snacky*

You know, if  you squint and unfocus your eyes,  husband and I look like a normal couple. I you zoom out and take the roof off, you will see people going through the motions.  And if you look really hard, you will notice the NPCs are never ever affectionate with each other.

No hugs, no kisses.  Nothing.

Polite words exchanged, but nothing is ever really said.  That’s the price I pay for peace. See, as long as I don’t bring anything real, or god forbid complain, the charade continues.  I would like to state, there isn’t any physical violence,  just emotional warfare.

I can feel myself falling into a comfortable state, one that even could have a flicker of hope, crawl into bed and let him hold me..

*how am I still not smoking?!?!?!?  I  really wanna smoke*

I look at him, and he looks like the man I did love.  He looks like the man who loved me.

Because if he loved me, heck if he really liked me, he would do something.  Anything.

There was never a real conversation about leaving me at the hospital.  No  “I’m sorry”

Damn it! 

DAMN IT 

DAMN IT

DAMN IT

This whole ‘I’m stuck in hell’ situation, wow… Daddy issues, major daddy issues are here and not going away for a while.  Wow!  Seriously,  I cannot  believe, that it hasn’t hit me until now  holy shit.. LIGHTBULB MOMENT!!

I restarted this creative and a quasi therapeutic outlet.  A place to organize my thoughts so I can re-read them and have them make since.  its been a  year.  I started again on father’s birthday.  Time .  Wow.. All ready!?

A lot of shit went down in a  year.

I feel like if I was watching a movie, I would be like ‘No fucking way dude!” But alas, it’s my life.

I have to be honest,  I really did have hope. I had it till you left me at the hospital.

Even though I want out,  and all of the  hurt, and all off the low blows you have become so  swift with, the unforgivable words you have hurled at me…  It still  hurts like hell, knowing that you don’t love me either.

*deep breath in*  *deep breath out*

That felt good letting it out.  I an own it now, and can learn to move  through it.  And now you will have to learn to live without me.

I have decided on a new thing to  do.  When someone I know pops into my head,  and  I have a great memory I want  to let them know I was thinking of them, and remind them of the memory.  Life short, why not?

I have also decided to go do fun things, even if it is by myself.  There will be a few new art shows soon, and a stomp on grapes type thing at a local vineyard.   Why not? I  get to  do things I want to do, and build some much needed confidence.

I’m going to finish things  around the house, so when it is time  to sell, we can get a good price.

I’m going to find a local Al-Anon, because I have to be honest with myself, because husband is an alcoholic.and I need some guidance for myself.

Find out why my head is becoming like Swiss cheese and learn to prevent it from happening ever again!

Start back at work.  

Hire a shark in a suit to  handle the divorce.

It’s time to get things going, even if my brain is becoming Swiss cheese.

I need more  play, I  need more  silly, and I need more fun. I need to be near people.

I need to quit being scared of talking with people.  I need to  just say, ‘sorry I had a few strokes’ and continue with the conversations 

I need to be me again.  I  don’t think I have truly been her, since before the  stroke, time to find  her.

Thank you internet friends.   Thank you for letting me share my thoughts, and thank you for  letting me ramble on and on, seeing things that I  needed to see. And thank you for letting my happy stoned self get quite philosophical.

Chatty girl issues (the one where JoElla is having a speaking problem, and other rando thoughts)

 Yup.  

Tis true.

I have noticed the last few days when I am speaking. My words are not flowing like they should be.  They get caught up, and hang on each other.  They stumble and pause.  It is becoming a chore to verbalize what I want and need to say.  It’s not like when I first became sick with Rona, or even with a MECFS diagnosis.  Then I could at least use adverbs and adjectives to try to describe what in the hell I am trying to say.  Now I just stumble. I am using sounds like “umm” a lot.  A lot a lot.  And pause a lot.  Like a lot a lot. So much that even husband noticed.  And he never notices things.

I did notice that this last round of strokes my language ability isn’t working as well.   But when I was able to calm my nervous system again,  and let my brain calm back down, it wasn’t as bad, and dare I say back to normal.

Nothing really stressful has occurred, and lately, that is something I don’t get to say often. I did have 2 really bad insomniac days, but have slept since. So I don’t think that could be it.  I  did start a new medication from my  Long Covid Specialist, but the randomness of it isn’t consistent to be tied back to a new medication. Eating?  I’m doing better, no longer queasy and have an appetite.

I’d be a liar if  I  told you I wasn’t a wee bit worried. I’d be a liar if  I say I am not scared.  To be honest, I’m worried. Very worried. 

See friends, I have noticed that I am self isolating again.  I’m using the fact that Middle Cherub needs to use my car, a reason not to leave the house.  And  the fact that husband is  working later and later, my daily conversations isn’t all that much.  And talking with my cats, well that’s easy!

So I need to try to figure out which ailment is  causing it?  Could it be due to the strokes I have had in my left  front  lobe?  Could it be a kick in the pants Long Covid kicking me in the pants?  LC doesn’t like stress at all. Like not at all, at all.  A MECFS crash?  An Epstein Barr reactivated?  A yet another new issue?

Ironically I can read, write, and sing just fine.  My train of thoughts seem normal.  But (isn’t there always) if I try to find a picture of a word in my mind to describe a word that I am having a hard time trying to communicate, my mind just stops. Comes to a complete stop.  Like do not pass go stop.   And then just like that, its working again.

So my new Long Covid Specialist wants to know why I am having strokes.  And recommend that I get another heart monitor session through my Neurologist.  Good thing  I have an appointment on Tuesday.   Yippy!!  No seriously,  we do need to figure out the why’s.  

We could go into the rabbit hole, because my health decline started on March 2nd 2020..

I’ve always been fascinated by the brain, even more so now. I’ve become my very own science experiment.

Well hell…(the one where JoElla feels like she is in quicksand)

 Well the good news is, I haven't had to go back to the ER, and haven’t had any more strokes.  So GO ME!!

The stuck and fighting quicksand part is, still stuck in the limbo hellscape that is my marriage.

Current song I’m listening to “Graveyard” by Halsey.  Very befitting song. 

I know it needs to end, I am just stuck.  Paralyzed afraid to make a move.  Because once I do, there is no going back.  Not that would be a bad thing, it’s just a make sure you take your best shot, because I will only be allowed one.  We would be adversaries, and the quiet truce will be blown to hell.

There is so much that needs to be done to our house.  Somehow when I became sick and bedridden, everything stopped around here.  2 other fully able adults lived here besides me (daughter and husband) yet it all fell onto me. And now I am scrambling to get top dollar because I need every single damn penny from the sale.

I’m stuck because I need some medical testing.   I’m stuck because I need my insurance, I’m stuck because what am i going to do with my cats, I’m stuck because I am afraid of ending back in the hospital, I’m stuck because I am afraid of another stroke, I’m stuck because I am afraid of the unknown, I’m stuck because I don’t know how to start over at 57.

Now listening to “I am not Okay” by Jelly Roll. I am  not  okay, but  it’s going to be alright.  I hold onto that line, because it’s true.   I just need to remind myself a bazillion times.  But I do  know it is true.

I need to remind myself of who he is, I need to remind myself that he left me in the hospital.  That he so casusually tossed me like yesterday’s garbage.  I need to remind myself that damaged individuals cause the most hurt. I need to remind myself  that I am the light, that you were attracted to,  and tried  to emulate, but could never quite duplicate.  And honestly, the only thing that made you special, was me.  

I need to remind myself that I was born under a lucky star, as well as our children. And that  we are full of magic and wonder. We are full of light, and will  always be beacons. 

I need to remind myself that I am still destined for love and happiness, that a good life awaits. And the fact that you will willingly drown in booze, because  you do not have what it takes to change your life.

I need to remind myself that  I am made of the toughness and the steel that is needed to make changes.  I  need to remind myself that  I am the storm, the  one that scares the devil himself.  I need to remind myself that I am soft and gentle as well.

I think the fact that I had two major blow ups within a week, and subsequently two strokes in that week, caused by husband and mother.. I swear, who needs enemies with those two, 

Funny, mother said I married my father, but I  think I  married a combo of her and my father and assbite husband.

Thankfully the kids  are grown and starting their lives, and I do have a place to move into.  And I need to get on with it.  I will never be open to the life I want,  while being a slave to the life I am stuck in.

I need to shake it off, don’t be so hard on myself for believing just one last time that husband could change. I am allowed to feel foolish and stupid for even wanting to believe.  But when he showed exactly who he is that last time.  It hurt, a lot. A lot  a lot.  Big hurt a lot.  And then adding salt to the wound, mother flipping the fuck out  and caused another stroke and damaging our relationship… it’s taking a bit to find my footing again. Being hit by both at the same time, not for the faint of heart.  It is just taking a bit to figure out which way is up.

I needed to type this out, sort my thoughts and feelings, because big  feelings help  facilitate big  changes.  And when you need to remind yourself, that you have options, that you have what it takes.  

I know this, I know all the “whys” and all  the  “heartache” I need to trust myself, I need to trust my intuition and quit quadruple check things over and over.  Einstein famously stated, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different outcome”  And to be honest,  I  know the answer, hell I  have known it for  a long time. I need to quit doing the same thing,  because o matter how much  I would like it to be different, how much easier it  would be, I need to stop.

I need to stop.

I also need to stop thinking of  ex finance. You know what  internet friends.. I felt safe with him, I felt protected when dealing with my parents.  I felt like I could be vulnerable with him without being punished for being so. And now that  husband and mother have morphed into a two headed soul crushing  monster  from hell, no wonder why  I am thinking about  him.  Maybe, just maybe the lesson I needed to learn is, “You can do this, you can do the hard things and be okay”  Maybe I needed to dig deep, so very deep to pull this feeling up to the surface. I liked  who I  was when I was near him.  And I really wish we could have known who we might have  become. I think I have just had a full circle moment.

Hopefully one day,  I  can thank  him in person, for helping me in many  ways he was unaware of.

Beware of the SUPER BLUE MOON!!! (The one where JoElla ducks for cover)

 Song playing at the moment “Dancing in the Moonlight” Love this song!

Hopefully everyone is surviving the crazy planet placements and the retrogrades. It’s crazy out there internet friends.  Just keep on keeping on, and remember to pause before one speaks,and we. Should be alright.

So internet friends,  talk to me.  Who is reading this?  Don’t be shy, hit me up!  Let’s be friends!!

My life may be a hot holy mess, but, I do offer great advice.  I’m funny and kind.  And I can offer a shoulder or a wisecrack. 

Be safe out there my friends, things should calm down in a week or two.  Then the normal bullshit of life will creep back in LOL

When you close your eyes, do you dream about me….(the one where JoElla listens to Night Ranger)

 When you close your big brown eyes, do you dream about me? Yes ex fiancé I do…I still do. Always do.

*deep breath*

Gah!  He still haunts my heart, my mind, my soul…

Maybe I let him haunt me because I know it is abstract. A safe fantasy. But it is living rent free in my heart and mind.  Because it’s not an issue until I go back home…and if he will see me.  It feels like something I need to see through.  

I feel silly, girlish and foolish.  Rationally I don’t know what I think…emotionally i’m captivated and mesmerized, and infatuated.  Just as much in love as I was all those years ago. If you give  me just a bit of time, I know you will remember..

I can’t even blame my strokes (yes plural, no, haven’t filled  you in yet) on being fixated on you…. I was before.  Maybe I am just nuts?

Well boys and girls on the internet.. I had another 2 stokes.

Yep… caused by horrible stress caused by 2 vicious fights by 2 people who are supposed to love me the most.The first one is with husband.

Let me back up a bit.  After my first stroke in March, something in him changed.  It was like he was husband circa 2017.  The one who, who I, i don;t know.  Looking back I question anything about him.  Was he always this hateful person?  The man who hits me with such venom.  Someone who  lets the mask slip, once the alcohol gives him courage to say what he really thinks of me?  Anyway, he went to our Doctor, talked to him about getting back on antidepressants, was going to  talk about the lack of energy etc… someone who was so tender with me,  He kept telling me how lucky he was, because it could have been so much worse.  I felt like a stranger in a strange land in myself.  I  kept looking at everything like I was plopped into a story that was already in play.  Very coltish, skiddish and unsure of myself. Finally I felt like a bizarre comfortable place.  I was lulled into a fatigued love.  I allowed myself to surrender into it.  It was comfortable, it was familiar, it was known. If it would continue, I could fall back in love with you. We could start over as empty nesters. Focus on us, get to remember us, and move forward, the way I thought we would.

I forgot that there is an invisible time lock in your head and the second I start my recovery, a countdown clock starts.  And like the game “Operation” when time is up, it buzzes and throws all the parts into the air.  And I should be “all better”.  Well folks, the buzzer went off and I’m still not healed.

*sigh*

That comfortable place, lasted about 3 months.   I had another stroke on July 8th.  Husband and I get into a huge fight while I am in the hospital for having ANOTHER DAMN STROKE.  What caused it, me expressing my needs and what I needed him to do, and that him stressing me the fuck out isn’t working for me.  I told him that our Doctor knows he is part of my stress, the flipped the fuck out. And now the fight became about how he looks to our doctor. Duuuude… He always knew you were an ass!  And he went  to go grab something to eat. 

So I am upset and my mother calls I burst into tears and she tells me to tell husband “If you are going to stress me out please leave.  Well he comes back and I do.  And you know what?  He fucking does!!  And he doesn’t call or check on me. Didn’t call to see when i was leaving the hospital, nothing.   I had to have my mom get me.  I had her drop me off at home, so I could get a few things.  He had no intention of checking on me that Wednesday.  He went to work. I almost hid in my room, waiting for him to take a shower, and me sneaking out.  Fuck that!  I am not hiding from you husband.  Nope.   I let him see me, nothing was really said.  I just walked out.

And as I drove away, I realized my marriage was dead dead.

its the 4th of. July!! (The one where JoElla says happy birthday to My nation)

 It’s happy birthday to America today.

It’s appropriate that I am listening to Tobyy Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue”

I  love this song!  It’s a major  kick ass we the greatest kind of  song. Are we the “greatest”?  I don’t  know.   What  I do know  is that a shadow government is  in  charge, and that is rather frightening.

But  that is a topic for another day….

if you look at our Country, you can see some great things, and you also can observe some horrible  things that need work on. But as a a woman,  I have complete freedom on some things, and government interference on others (shall  we talk about my body my choice?  Unless it comes to  the  clot shot…)

I look at it like this, we are a young nation, haven’t had  the normal growing pains that Europeans  have had.  We haven’t had change of leadership like they have.  Also how many times have dynasties have changed in China or Japan.  We are the new kids on the block, and are massively due some ass kicking bring us back to reality.  We have gotten way too  big for  our  britches, and need a good wallop upside the head.

Somehow politics have become a blood sport.  It’s “my side”  above all  others.  Does it  really mater, as long as my side  wins?

What  ever happened  to the  best of the Country?  What ever happened to the  “you work for me, the Everyman?  For the best for all?

Now The USA is turning away from decades old allies, and there is a huge  movement  of anti semitism, and pro Palestine  protests.  It seems like we have lost all civility towards  any type of humans. 

And if you believe in astrology, you know about the Pluto return for our nation’s birthday….  We will either fall, or either raise from the fire,  like the Phoenix.

Personally, I am rooting for the raising of the phoenix.

So peeps on the internet, be  safe, and help make this Country what you want it to be.

Well, still here… (The one where JoElla takes a deep exhale…)

 It’s been a hot minute gang.  Hope all is well in the interwebs and with you.

I’m currently listing to Cindy Lauper’s “True Colors”.  Very interesting song choice.

So where we last left off, the heroine was recovering from a stroke. For some reason, I felt the need to try to express what was happening in real time. And as I continue to recover, my doctors and nurses are amazed on how aware I was during it.  

The complexity of the emotions I felt, and continue to feel..sometimes are quite overwhelming.  I finally had to give in and let myself feel them.  They can be small and fleeting, or so large, that I have to just ride them out.  Sometimes, I just have to roll into a ball in bed, and cry it out.

It seems like I lost the whole month of April.  I had to shut down for a bit. I had to try to find what “normal” is for me now. Ironically “normal” kept changing.  In a strange way, I felt like I was watching some bizarre dream, and felt like a stranger in a strange land.  

For a long time, I didn’t want to be near strangers.  I was still tripping up on words and it made me very self conscience.  So, I self isolated a lot.  With friends and loved ones, I could say “stroke” and we would all get it. I didn’t want to explain to “new people” the whole deal.  Once again I am dealing with an invisible illness with zero outward signs of anything wrong. 

For April,my brain hurt.  Literally hurt.  And horrible headaches. And I would tire very easily.  My Mom threw a huge Eclipse party, and the thought  just overwhelmed me. I enjoyed it by myself with a cat or two, and my neighbor’s chickens roaming around (yes, wandering chickens 🐓)  It was peaceful, almost spiritual. And deeply moving and had a huge impact on  me.  My sweet doctor said that I seemed peaceful with my stroke. And I was….until my Neurological appointment a week later. I  cried through the whole appointment.  

*see emotions a few paragraphs up*

May.. well usually I am a birthday brat and lurrvvveee the whole month of May. This year, meh… I  just wanted a small family get together.  And honestly, if I could have gotten out of it,I totally would. Now don’t get me wrong, I am blessed to see another trip around thes sun, and thankful every day. But it was very overwhelming.

And now that I am approaching the 3 month mark, I still have to  remind myself that my brain is literally  rewireing itself. 

I did start back to work, and navigating that.  And I still cannot watch a lot of TV, I still have some light and motion sensitivity.  Of course it doesn’t help  that husband watches boxing, Or bare knuckle fighting or  other things that send my brain into over drive… *side eye at him*

We know how my stroke happened, but  we still don’t know exactly why it happened.  And I  am just about  to end the ‘danger zone’ time wise.  It seems 3 months is the magic number for safety. And what people don’t understand or realize *coughhusbandcough* that a stroke is a traumatic brain injury.  And when I realize that, it  seemed so much more daunting. No wonder why I feel like a stranger in a strange land.

OH MY GAWD!!! (The one where JoElla actually does have a stroke….)

 Yep,  I did end up having a stroke.

Thankfully, it was a “mini” stroke,  but holy hell in a hand basket I had a stroke.

It was crazy.  

Where I left the saga, was Saturday March 23rd.  Heck, I even went shopping at Target. (Because that is what one does) I had an MRI set for April 8th (umm what?!)  and then Sunday came…..

Keep in mind, I was cleared on Wednesday the. 20th, no active bran bleed or brain injury that a CT could see… And I just felt the need to try to explain what was happening to me.  

Welp, Sunday…

I remember waking up, and dropped the cat food again, and then try to make coffee.  I remember feeling like I was walking through jello.  I remember my legs felt so sluggish and heavy. And also feeling like I. Was on auto pilot.  I banged into the counter, and husband tried to get my attention.  He had me smile,  and I could feel it lopsided, he had me hold my arms out, and they were uneven..  and then bam!  The episode was over.  And I able to speak again, and feel ‘normal” again.  I was fine for the rest of the day.

I agreed to let my Mom babysit me on Tuesday.  Husband did not want  me by myself.  Ok, fine, I agree. But I did have  a hair appointment for Monday. (In my defense, I really needed one)

Wake up on Monday March 25th and had another episode, I could feel it this time.  And I actually said “oh no”  we  call 911 again.  A different Fire Crew but  the same EMT guys. The EMT guys notice that I was speaking a lot better. My blood pressure was up, but not crazy and it was my call  to go. 

Look, I usually lurrve being the  center  of attention, unless it is  for medical reasons.  I HAAAATTTE  making others worry about me.  And Husband called my  beloved Dr and he said go now.

So once again I ride in the back of the bambalance.  And instead of being put into an ER room asap, I get put into a big ole wheelchair and dumped into the  waiting room.  Husband figured it would be a bit before they let him see me, and was shocked to see me in the waiting room.

Finally get into a room, and thankfully the attending physician listened to us, and  agreed that waiting till April 8th was way too long  to wait for my MRI wanted to admit me as  a Nero patient. (yes please) and finally got into my room around 8  PM.

I’ll have to finish this adventure tomorrow, because I am getting tired, and I still get headaches. 

I’m over it… so very over it..

 The words are still crazy.  I am speaking a foreign a language.  I sound like someone who speak “English of a second language.  I can sing a song, but I can’t speak coherant language.

This

Is

Killing

Me.                               

I’m a verbal girl.  And not being able to express….nope

But I am getting stronger.  Little by little. Fight for each word.

I did run to Target, had to  buy some Diane Von whatshername.  But I was able to drive.  And I have a hair appointment because duh!! I need one badly

But hey, I can organize my  thoughts, I just can’t speak English.

I wonder if  this is a new bit of MECFS?  Because that would be my luck.  I have’t had  a relapse in forever.  I made sailed though  the stress.   I survived  the belergerant husband. The asshole husband.  The one I couldnt  wait  to get away from.  

I  still have horrible headaches, and have too take Tylenol and ibuprofen round the  clock, and become dizzy. My bloodpresssure s ok. My right arm is less numb.  So that is a good thing.  But  could I  not be a medical weirdo? I am very tired, wear out quickly. And trying to find words, is exhausting.

Words are hard, very hard.

 I had a dream.  Very sad.  Old fiancé, a crazy dream.

I was very. Very sad.  Old fiancé  was too long.  He was over. But. I. Wanted. It. To be.

Before,  I was working.  Not very hard, and a monkey could do. It.  Best friend was working together..

Been busy, and learning.  And best friend was on vacation.  Casey and I a good team.  

So, before, I had a tooth extraction. I did a bone graft and 3 sterioids only, and antibiotics.  This was last week.

Then Tuesday I felt foggy.  I had words, that are hard. Trying to grasp words..   really strange.  I made an appointment and felt heavy.  I felt words are hard.  Dr said maybe steroids. I can feel strange, but need to be careful of stroke.  I will make sure I am ok.

Wednesday.  My right arm is numb.  I make coffee I drop cat food.  I just let it drop.  Husband came home, and see cat foot is dropped.  I say hey,see if this. Makes sense??  The words are gibberish, he thought I was missing around and I thought he was messing around.  Hushed words, call the nurse, and then I. Have to have low blood sugar.

A call to 911 (oh. Great) and cute firemen.  I say hi, and they do the push arm, pull arm/. I  tell them cognitive goods, words nope.  I say tiger pony because of the MECFS and Epstine bar. I make a mish mash of communication.

Welp, an ambulance ride later, I get the first of the line.  No hallway go straight roo   So guess it’s on my own.   Well husband is actually calling the  kids and my Mom. Why my mother??!  Ughhh

I go to  CT and come back. Mom said “hey did you have a gummy?” Umm nope  Mom.  Seriously?? Really??

I have a lucid moment and talk  like a normal person.  I boot Mom and swiith Garrett and Tiffany.  And then  I loose the words.  Damn it.

I ask for husband over and over.  I want the time of the esscence.  I don’t  want a stroke.  I sit on the bed. And I have to pee.  So  I go to the bathroom, and kinda do a round about, and ask CT results please?? I need to  see CT results please. (Time is the esscence… I need to be ASAP I  want to  be now.

Mom is crying, please set down. But I need to see an MRI.

Husband comes in and the Dr is ok. I am just jumbled with words.

Dr said it is ok,and I slowdown.  He tells everyone, but  still very hard.  I get to go, and the diagnosis is 

“ altered mental status” really? That’s not good.

husband takes me home..

Mom is checking on me a bazillion times.

The dream.  So  sad.  I’m trying not to cry.

The Dentesst.  Dr Grass.  I have strings in my mouth. I am trying to  fix it and they  take my blood pressure.  It’s high.  Very high. He also takes care of the strings in my mouth.  I’m a healer and it looks great.  He says that I am taking a bit longer to shed the sterioids. 

Great, more word salad and trying to communicate’

I have dinner, and then I am tired.  I watch a YT video, andI am tired.  I listen to music,and it is so sad.  The combo of dream, ( did I mention it is so sad and the old  fiancé.  It’s heartbreaking.  I tell husband that the music, and it is sad.

So, it make a few days. Or it can be forever. But damn  it.  I can’t communicate the words.  I want to tell him that I want to be/ That I am not telling what I want to be.  I want to  tell him I love him and want to be.  I want to say the things that I want to be.  To say I am sorry that I am not strong enough, to be the choice that  I never wanted to be.  To love him, to be forever.  I want to be old fiancé, not husband.

So, words are hard, husband is a friend.  And old fiancé.  I haven’t had  a dream in a long time,but the feelings are still strong.

Let’s see what adventures await.  And it is a a strange strange world.   Maybe,just maybe, the dr can see me.  And then the neurologist can see me Monday.

Dang…….

 Words.  Random words. A sentence, and a brain fart.

Yesterday, brain fog.  Reaching and fleeting. Logic, damn it.

Tuesday.  A doctors appointment.  Foggy and thick, soupy.  The words…missed mashed, and confusing.  Stroke?  No.  Allergies.  Fluid in the ears. Yadda yadda serious.  Steroid.  Random bizzar  symptoms.

Wednesday. I woke up at 5:20 am.  went back to sleep.  I woked at 11:30 AM and fed the cats.  Dropped the cat food.  Damn it.  Cat food on the floor.  Annoyed.  Coffee, drinking coffee and being quiet..  

Discription, the advertisement.   Umm what??  It’s gibberish.  Why??  

One, two three… connected.  Me:  hey, does this make since?! Husband: what?!

Me: umm does think make sense?

Husband: um no..

Me : uh oh….

Husband, hushed tone.  “Google, Midway clinic <ring ring> Hi, <whisper whisper> ok, okay.  Sugar, ok.”

Here, have a glug of honey.. why??  Okay,  More?  Okay.. Peanutbutter? Bleck okay… More?? No!! Okay

911, okay.. damn.. are we doing 911??

911.  Firemen.  Ambulance..yay…no.

Tiger pony!  I can tiger pony!   Cognitive, yes, verbal no… 

Called, the kids…  why?  Why freaked the kids>

Told Mom…why!!  Ugh

Husband gets food.  It seems a long time.  Agitated,  I want the CT results.  I have  to pee.  Agitated.  

Mom crying.  I  want my ct results.  Please..   if I have a stroke, Time, time time time!

Where’s husband??  Why so long??

Mom crying again…

Finally, discharged. Finally.  No stroke!!

And again, cognitive, good,verbal bad..I can breathe… I can breathe.

Could be the steroids??  Okay. But why??

Guess who’s back, back again… (The one where JoElla’s back again with a full moon)

 Hello internet peeps, been a long time.

I needed a break during the Holidays. Didn’t we all?  Didn’t it seem like the whole dang world had a Rona hangover?  Didn’t it seem like that we as a collective just didn’t give a damn?  Didn’t just seem like we were all  just burnt out?  

The world  is still an epic shit show.   And yet oddly, for us Gen X’ers, we have a real sense of  deja vu.

Gather round young  ones, lemme tell you bout how we Gen X’ers used to be…..

We were  wild, feral and  the  OG latch key kids.. they had  to make commercials reminding our parents of us.  “It’s 10 o’clock do you know where  your kids are”?  *I so need to remember how  to drop a video and  pictures in* we used ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE HAIRSPRAY, and  our parents were too busy fucking up their own lives, to pay attention to ours.  But somewhere in our wild feral  hearts,  a flicker of hope, a small spark that started a world wide  movement.  We were Liveaid, Hands across America,  we signed up for Amnesty International in droves.  We were having sexual awakening just  as  AIDS came to the forefront and we lived through  and were shaped by the Cold War.

Now, every batshit crazy country has  some form of a nuke type weapons.  

Seriously Universe, if I have to live  through this type of crazy again,  can I please be sent back to the 80’s I promise  I  will make better choices.

So let’s talk about this moon.  This  full moon is in Leo, creation and destruction.  And Luna is opposite of Pluto.  We (if we are paying  attention) we should see blockages and stuck patterns more objectively and hopefully be able to break through them.   This full moon can bring up things that started back in August 2023  

Luna will also be opposite of Pluto and conjunt with the Sun

The Sun and Leo are all about creation  and life, Pluto is over here being all about destruction, decomposition and decay, and death.  Pluto  also brings things to light to be exposed. The whole let it burn down so newness can grow. Kind of exciting if you ask me.

So even though the full moon already happened, you still have a window for you to cast aside things you do not want to bring  into 2023. So think about what no longer serves you and let go.

Don’t forget to set your intentions.  Cast some seeds to the Universe, let’s watch them grow together.

Maybe if we all just take a few moments to be grateful for any types of things, big or small, grand or silly, then collectively we can raise the vibrations.  Maybe, just maybe, we can start to counterbalance the low vibrations.  

Thankful, always thanakful..(The one where JoElla survives the full moon)

 Hopefully ya’ll had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  

I did. Nice and relaxing.  Was supposed to go to the in-laws however husband had some kind of stomach bug. His mother sure has heck didn’t need it, she is still recovering from her broken hip.  And my Mom sure. As heck didn’t need it, her immune system is whacked out.  Oldest cherub was in town, and middle cherub swung by (he is married and him and wifey had lots to do, and lots of family in town) and Cranky Pants and I went to my mom’s house.  We ended up having a giant sleep over with. 2/3’rds of my cherubs, stayed up way too late and eating too much and having several much deserved T n T’s.  I so needed it.

And the full moon, boy was this a doozy.  It completes 3/4ths of this cycle.  And it is bringing up lots of stuff.  And it is kicking up a lot.

Haven’t heard from the old finance, I know I will in due time.  I do want to talk to him, hear is voice, have him hear mine.  I really want to apologize for a few things.  Things I need to say, things he needs to hear. He is still so on my mind, and in my heart.  And just when I think I am balancing out, I see a camero, painted in the rally sport trademark black and white.  I didn’t even know they did that version in the newish  body style.  It put him back in the forefront of my mind.  

Throughout my marriage  he was always in my heart and mind.  Now I did love my husband with most of my heart, but dang, he always owned real estate in my heart. Always. 

Was it fair to husband?  Prolly not.  And looking back, did I see and feel forever with husband?  I don’t know.  Believe me, I know  how awful that sounds, and how horrible that is to type… but it is honest.

Speaking of the full moon, this one is bringing up old things that  need to be resolved, dealt with and released and let go of.

I have racked my brain, searched my heart… could I fall back in love with husband?  Do I even want to? 

When I look at him, it’s hard to let go of built up resentment, built up pain and heartache.  All I see is a man who was given (quite literally) a second chance at life, and chooses to drink it away. Someone who should have stepped up when I became sick, someone who should  have gone to a few appointments with me, someone who should have at least given a fraction of the care he received.  I  see someone who had the world, and so much to want to live for, choosing not to be thankful  I can lead the man to water, but  cannot make him drink.

It’s incredibly hard and stressful to watch.   And speaking of stress… Thought I  had a bit of a handle on it.  And ironically thought how lucky I was that I haven’t gotten shingles again, BAM!!  Yep, got them under my eye.  Which I learned today,  is better and safer then above the eye.  Thank goodness because this girl looked like Rocky after each fight. It wasn’t pretty.  So back on antivirals yet again.  They are hard on my body and my system.  And will  take a bit to bounce back from. I’ve got the classic shingles headache, and feeling quite fatigued.  

Guess the last fight was harder on me.  Of course he was  drunk, and I had enough.  He went low, he went dirty, he brought my father into it.  It  truly was unforgivable, it  was uncalled for, and something he never ever did before.

Best friend thought I should have hit him between the eyes before he started the nightly drinking.  I countered with no, because once he learned that hurt, a  direct  blow to my heart, he would  weponize it and use it again and again.  And I will  be damned if I let him know it hurt as deep as it did.

He also stated that I was the one who stopped all affection.  Umm what!?  Nope buddy, that was you.  You stopped the ‘I love you’s first.  I just went along with it.  And guess what?   It backfired  on you.  Because the longer it went on, the more I realized I didn’t love you anymore.  The less we talked, the more at peace I  became.  The more I remove myself  from you, the calmer I become. The more  times I put  things into words, the more I realize just how very toxic you have become.  The clearer my vision of you becomes,the more you feel like an albatross you are. And the more I realize I need away from you.

As long as I don’t rock the boat, the less I object, the less I say, the less I express my thoughts and feelings, the “easier” things become.  And you know as well as I do,  that is not my nature.

The more resilient I become,  the less of your  words hurt.  And now I make a plan.

I set my intentions on the full moon, planting a seed,waiting for it to come to fruition.  Taking action and setting myself up for freedom.  And feeling less and less like a shit for owing  the fact, that I need your  paycheck  and insurance.  The trade off of making lunches and dinners. We already sleep in separate bedrooms,  and living separately in the same house.  I’m just a bit more cautious of where  I  step.

I know this sounds like a horrible way to live, and it is, but this is temporary and a means to an end.  I view it like a bad job that you need to survive.

Is it naive and emotional suicide?  Maybe.. but it is the path I must travel.  And knowing just how very  low you will try to hit, the more prepared I am for it.  And the next emotional grenade you launch, the better I will be able to dodge.

It’s cold and rainy…(The one where JoElla’s heart matches the weather)

 It’s that time of year, where the cold fronts blow down from the north.   And then it rapidly warms back up, making errrybody catch a head cold, a sinus infection, or sends us spoonies into a tail spin.  My body takes longer to adjust to the temperature swings. Once I become cold, it takes forever to warm back up.

I

Am

Not

A

Fan

And throw the time change into the mix.. disaster city.  My sleep cycle is totally jacked up.  Up till late, waking up early, only to nap for most of the afternoon.   And the early darkness, totally messes me up.

When I do wake up early, I try to make the most of it, I try to be a productive person and get things done, but, still end up napping.  I need to be honest with myself and ask what am I hiding from.  I’m sleeping to escape something, or many things.  It’s time to hit them head on, and deal with them.  Time to put on my big girl panties and own them, confront them, deal with them and move the hell on from them.  It’s time to stop hiding in the shadows of my life, and make a plan, act on it and do it.

Change is scary, heading into the wild unknown is scary.  Leaving something that  is  irrevocably broken is scary.  Realizing your  husband of 30 years is happy to live as roommates is  scary.  But so is  staying in a stagnant situation.  One that isn’t healthy for him, or for me. 

I guess what I am dealing with is mourning.  Mourning for what was, mourning for what our marriage has become.  Mourning for a life that won’t be lived.  Even though I know it has to happen this way, and what I need to do.  And that is hard, so very hard.

You see,  I hate being vulnerable.  And  I am not too fond of change either.  Can’t help it, it is the Taurus in me.  I do see things clearly… I  still ask myself  “Why”?  It isn’t supposed to  go this way.  But  the   Reality is, it  is  going this way.  And that I need and want  more for my life.  And he  should as well.   

Looking back on our marriage, my biggest fault is hanging on  too  tightly  and stubbornly when I should have thrown in the towel.  Not admitting defeat is truly one  of my biggest weaknesses.  And now  I do have to wonder if this is self inflicted.  

Fear is a tricky beast, one that shifts and can morph into your worst nightmares.  Makes you doubt yourself, our abilities, your reasoning, your common sense.   It is powerful,  and masterfully fucks with your head and heart.   And when I let fear take over, it becomes a destroyer.  I let it destroy me and the old fiancé, I let it pigeon hold me into a marriage that I should’t have.  And I let if happen.  And I have to live with that.

I’m older and wiser now, but still very tender hearted.  I still let insecurities creep into my thoughts, but  I do have a completely different perspective of myself.  I know I am a million times stronger.  And I fought like hell to become her. I know myself so much better.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  I have zero illusions about  myself.   And I know it may be a struggle, but in  the  end, I  will be alright. Dare I say even grateful for this  experience.  

I did find this quote and it says:

Yes,

You will rise from the ashes,

 but the burning comes first.

For this part, darling, you must be brave.  

By Kalen Dion

I just need to remember to be brave.  And I need to remember it often.

Let’s see where this one goes… (The One Where JoElla is feeling lots of things.)

 I just feel like writing, seeing were this goes.  Thoughts swirling in my mind, feelings stirring in my heart.

I know when you think of me, even if it is subconsciously.  I know when you will send me a message See I could always feel you thinking of me. I blocked it out at times and tried to ignore it.  But I always knew.

I can feel you, and can feel when you pull away.  You may not want to admit it, but it is true.

Who knows if you will ever read this blog?  Who knows if you even want to know?  But I feel you, so I know you can feel me.

It will only take one small thought, then it will grow. You may not be looking for it, but it is there, small but mighty. A seed has been planted, and that will expand and grow. And before you know it, I will consume your heart and mind, just as you do mine.

You just have to remember,

I’’m scared as well.  Because we are combustible, and we are fire and ice.   We are meant to be.  In this lifetime, and each one after.

Why was it left up to me to find you?  Did you ever try?   Were you scared?  Did you look, only to come up empty handed,  and empty hearted?  I know I made it hard, but in the end.. I found you.

I’ve always been ready to go, you just have to say the word.. and I’m on a plane, on my way to you.

I still know you, know your essence, know your heart. I’m not scared anymore.  I’m all grown up, and strong enough for you.  Strong enough to let nothing stand between us.  I am ready.  

And I know you know me, I know you remember me.  Don’t be scared, don’t worry.  It will all be fine.

We can be happy, we can be forever. You just need to let yourself remember. Because I promise, I won’t leave.

I know you are scared, I can tell by your first answer.  You would only mention it if you weren’t.  You came out of the gates with it.. like a ‘no not again, I’m scared, you can hurt me’ I promise I won’t. Never again.

You just have to remember… I know you can.  Trust it, because it’s true.  It’s real, and as I write that, I’m willing to take the leap.  Free fall, and see what happens. Take a chance, I promise it will be good.  

You always had my heart, you always knew my soul.  You know me, you just need to feel me. 

I send these words up to the universe, in its vastness, putting it out there and sending it to fruition. 

I’ve seen it in the cards, I’ve wished it upon the stars… I’m willing and able..

I will love you forever, just as you do me.  It’s time to take action and make it happen.   It’s time.  It’s time for you and me.

Well now what? (The one that JoElla Just Doesn’t Know……….)

 Did you ever hear the song “Hell of a Year” by Parker McCollum?  

It’s a very powerful song, one that cuts through the bullshit, and hits right into the heart..

That seems to be the song I keep going back to. Listening to it over and over. Seems very befitting for my life right now. 

Status quo with my marriage,  just being friendly room mates.  

I swear I thought I saw a glimmer of who you used to be husband.  And for a moment, just the briefest of moments, I thought maybe, just maybe we could be alright.  But as soon as that thought came, it went.

I almost feel like I am living behind a mirror, just watching, unable to change things.  

Maybe it is just a longing, and as I see, I know I am really not seeing.

I don’t wish you ill will, I just no longer wish when it comes to you.

What a we have is empty, its cold.  It is full of never realized dreams, and dashed hopes.  It’s time to let it go.  

Listening to sad songs…..(the one where JoElla is hurt and angry)

 So husband has said that I am pushing him towards divorce. *eye roll* Dude, where in the hell have you been??  

So now that he keeps saying it, it is supposed to have merit?  Have more weight?  More validity? Be more urgent? 

*Gah*

*Grumble*

FUCK YOU!!

I am so sick and tired of you making EVERYTHING about you or your idea.  Seriously??  I am so sick and tired of you not validating my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thoughts,  my everything..

Go ahead and drink until your fatty alcohol liver explodes.. Go ahead and hide behind booze… Go ahead of hiding from life, and go the fuck ahead and keep blaming me.

You drew first blood, with your sorry ass response to a question about missing condoms,  you gave the answer of a lying, cheating rat bastard son of a bitch, and a coward.  You deflected answers and turned it around on me.  You gaslighted me and acted like how dare I even ask..

You started this, and i’m finishing it.  END. OF. STORY.

Now you are acting all big and tough, and telling me that I will have to move out and lie with my mother.  You see assbite, that used to be something that terrified me,  a worst case scenario.  And that was almost 20 years ago.  And way back only lasted a few years.  

I guess someone (him) wants to travel in the way back machine, and deal with JoElla circa 2004, and not the JoElla of 2023.  Your empty threats don’t scare me, they down’s worry me, (no physical threat, just emotional damage)  You see buddy, you only think you have any real power over me.  The truth is, you never did.  I just had to remember that years ago,  And once I did remember, it never left me.

It just really fucking hurts that once again, you showed me just how very little my feelings matter to you.

It just really fucking hurts that a few years ago, I thought you hung the moon.  And a few years further back, while you were fighting cancer, the thought of you dying,  hurt so much, that I had to remind  myself to breathe.  And  now, I  only feel emptiness and anger, and  contempt.

I really hate the fact that you now act like this  wounded soul, some type of wronged man, hurt by the evil woman.

I absolutely hate the fact that you just refused to see how unhappy I was. And that  every time I tried to talk about it, instead of having a conversation, you somehow  turned my feelings  into all about you and your needs and wants not met.  And slam and blame me.  Because if pertains to  JoElla, it’s not important.  Geese, no wonder why I never mention about being in pain every day.. you get this glazed look in your eyes, and then look right past me.

I am so angry about how you treated me when I became sick.  How could you do that to me?  And now, you act like I made it all up,  You act like it never happened.  You act like I am just lazy, and won’t do anything.  And you  have the audacity to act like some damn martyr who sacrificed oh so  much.

I  AM JUST SO  FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CAST AS YOUR BAD GUY.  Seriously, grow a pair, and take some responsibility for your own actions.  

You have made me feel so unloved in so many ways  You have made me feel so unimportant. You made me feel so unwanted.  Telling me that you predicted one day our sex life would tank, because you would be tired, and you said  it in such a smug way.  like you were proud it came true.  Making me initiate sex,  then getting mad because  I might have been snockered and a bit high, because a relaxed and pain free  JoElla is a very fun JoElla. I even explained that you and reassured you of that.   But trying to talk about your erection problem was  a no go.  That most def was a “JoElla” problem and never a “you” problem.  Or your very self inflected case of ‘whiskey dick” or the fact that sex with you finally and painfully, made me feel so  empty and more lonely.  That’s when I stopped initiating.  And I don’t even think you cared, or  noticed.  And now, the very, very rare occasion you do actually touch me, I recoil, I tense up and flinch.  Your touch is  now poison to  me.  And this was way before the missing condoms.

You are dead to my heart.  I cut karma’s ties with you. And I am desperate to reach indifference. Anger used to give me power, and I used to be able to harness it and propel me forward, now I find it exhausting and wearing me down.  Hopefully it is because of the Cronic Fatigue Syndrome and the Epstein Barr Virus, because  I sure could use the  anger. 

I’m hurt that I wasn’t important enough to try for, when there was an iota left to save.

And to add a bit more hurt to this shit show that I call my life….

Ex fiancée…..  I don’t know what I expected.  And guess I wasn’t  that special after all.  I did allow my mind and honestly my heart, do a wee bit of ‘what if…’  and ‘why not’?   I have enjoyed chatting with him, and he has been quite  the gentleman, and nothing inappropriate.  One thing he did mention, did break my heart.  I cried myself to sleep  that night, and felt even worse about a tough decision. Like I said, I don’t know what I expected, but  I did expect something.  And I really don’t even know what that  “something” is.   But i will love that man for the rest of my life.  He always had a piece of my heart, and always will.  

Well hell..(the one where JoElla is in a free fall)

 Some days are just harder putting one foot in front of the other,  Some days you just need your feelings wash over you, you need to let them to toss you around.  Sometimes you just need to stay under water for a bit, before trying to look for the bubbles so you can swim back up to the surface.  Sometimes you just need to sink..  be in the stillness and close your eyes and just float.  Sometimes you need to just give in for a bit, before the survivor urge kicks in.  

I feel this incredible emotional albatross choking me, I feel like I am suffocating,  unable to shake it.. And right now, I feel like I just need to rest in the abyss. knowing I need this rest and recharge period. I know tomorrow I will ‘get knocked down 7 times, get up 8’, but for now.. nope.

Sometimes it all just comes up to the surface, like some ancient volcano, and the top blows, sending emotional wreckage in a million different directions.  Hot and burning and destructive. I do know it is an emotional pressure release,  I understand this, but damn…it hurts like hell when it happens.

Husband continues to act like all is fine and dandy.  Part of me wonders if he is even in the same damn marriage that I am in?  Is it wishful thinking on his part?  Or is it just easier for him to carry on like he didn’t tell me to move out, or say he wanted a divorce. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want  a divorce.  I just want so much more, then he is willing to give, and I cannot always be cast as this great evol princess in his tragic story.  I cannot continue to sit back and watch you waste your life.  I can’t will you to change, I can’t wish you to change.  And you know what, it doesn’t even hurt anymore that you treat strangers kinder than you treat me. That you are mister fucking happy around others, but come home and drink yourself into a numb state. 

I’ve given you ample time to talk about this, but as usual, you will force my hand, and once again make me the villain in your life.  Is your fear of being seen as a bad guy so strong that you are afraid to take action?  Or is is just unwillingness? And does it really matter the hows and why’s at this point?  Could we even agree on the starting point of when things went south?

Our first born is moving back, and my heart hurts for him to see what you have chosen to become. As excited as I am for having all my babies in the same area code, I wish you didn’t have to be a part of this. 

I’m angry at myself for feeling weak, vulnerable and a bit scared.  I’m angry at myself and my body for being sick.  I’m angry that I will be the one who has to initiate the tough conversations…

Maybe I am just angry and hurt that I am not worth the effort.

Am I perfect, god no!  Far from it, but I do have a lot to offer someone worthy of me. I am loving and kind, and generous and I am smart and funny and can communicate my wants and needs.  I want to fill the wants and needs of the person I will eventually live my life with.  And to quote Clark Gable, I need to be kissed and kissed often.   I will defend the person I love till the end of time, and make sure they know I will always have their back.  And if issues arrive, I will work hard to help resolve them.  I want to be an equal, and partner and a friend and lover.  I want to be the safe space they need to land, and want them to do the same.  When I love I love true and deep, and expect that in return.  I  want to grow and evolve with someone, I want idle chit chat as well as deep conversations.  I want to share hopes and dreams and fears and worries with someone, and for them to do the same with me.  I want laughter and to make someone laugh, I want to be able to fight with someone fairly, and with both of us knowing we are listening to hear, and not to respond. I want someone who knows how to and is willing to apologize if need be, because I will do the same.  I want someone who knows I am strong, but never penalize me for being weak, because I would never do that to them.  I want  someone I can lean on when I need to,  and I  want them to lean on me when they need to.  I want someone who is thoughtful and kind.  I want someone who wants to go on adventures with me. I want dancing in the living room and randomly at the grocery store.  I want someone who is secure enough to let me be me, knowing I would never ever hurt them,  or jeopardize us.  And I want them to know I will be secure enough to let them be them, and know they would never jeopardize us.   I want someone to throw cation to the wind with and someone to be responsible  with.  I want someone who prioritizes me, because they will  be my priority.  I want someone who generally likes me as a person, because I can’t love someone if  I don’t like them as a person. I want someone who understands I am just as thrilled with my favorite candy bar (Twix peanut butter) as a surprise, just as much  as 2 dozen roses.  I want someone who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread, because they hung the moon in my eyes.  I want someone who knows that I can get dark and broody, and knows  I will be better in a day or two, and if they need to be the dark and broody one, know I will be right there, waiting for them to come out of it. I want someone who understands my need for  independence as i will understand theirs.   I want someone who loves the good, the bad, and the ugly with me, because i will love the good, the bad and the ugly in them.

What I don’t want is, lies, cheating insecurity, pigeon holding me as someone I no longer am.  I don’t want belittling, or  bullshit. I  don’t want someone who constantly turns everything into something about themselves.  I don’t want woe is me, I don’t want someone who is ungrateful for their life, especially when they have everything  to look forward to.  I don’t want  someone who doesn’t understand not making a choice , is in fact a big  ass choice.    I don’t want someone who chooses  to live miserably  especially when they have been given a second chance at life.  I don’t want deflection.  I don’t want someone who chooses to hid behind alcohol.  And I sure as hell don’t want someone who doesn’t remember our GOD DAMN WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

*deep breathe*

Wow, seeing all of this typed out, seeing my wants/needs vs don’t wants/hell no deal breakers.. very  cathartic and therapeutic.  And I feel like I am ready to swim back up to the surface of  the emotional water, and ready.  Because I was  knocked down 7 times, and got  back up 8.

Well hell.. (the one where JoElla has her active EBV numbers off the charts)

Had my blood work redrawn.  It was time yet again.  Been keeping an eye on my cholesterol, because Rona screwed them all up.  Been keeping an eye on my AC1 numbers, because Rona screwed them up.  Also checking my white count and red count, and kidney function.  Good news on my blood sugars, and kidney still working like a chap, cholesterol still screwed up *shrugs* 

I also had my doctor run an active EBV panel.  See with Epstein Barr Virus,  (more commonly known as Mono), is in most people, and it takes a massive infection to kick it into activation.  And once you ever have had mono, your bloodwork will forever show EBV.  So if you have had it, and you feel run down and sick, you have to ask them to run an active EBV panel.  And my numbers are high, off the charts high. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH! 

I am so not a happy camper.   

Not.

One.

Bit.

I knew something was off… really thought it was my allergies (ok I was really hoping, praying wishing etc…).  I know what caused it, I totally did it to myself.. I knew I was stressed, and not eating properly didn’t help. But when you are the only one who acknowledges the  marriage is a dead stick… it kinda takes a toll on you.

The good news is, this feels so different than a #MECFS crash.  I’m alert, my crazy little brain is acting normal, and I’m just tired.  It isn’t a bone crushing tired, and my left side hurts (sorry spleen!) and have a headache.  My muscles feel the normal type of  tightness, and no uptick in my pain levels.  That’s progress folks, and I’ll take it!

Gotta admit, I am also enjoying the 15 pounds I lost. But  need to focus on the correct way to lose, and not rely on the dreaded divorce diet. 

Hopefully within a week, I’ll be much better.  

I really want to hit the gym again.  I cannot express how much I miss treadmill dates with angry rock. I need a good sweaty session on it. I miss Zumba class.  I miss yoga.  

I suppose that me wanting to work out is a good thing.  I feel the urge, and not just  a ‘I should’.  Progress even with a road block, is still progress.

Tonight may mind is spinning whirrling, and won’t quiet down.   So many things going through my mind.

I did receive some most excellent news (but under lock and key for the  moment) I did over do it today.. ooohhh took a shower and went to the grocery store, so physically I’m tired, but this brain of mine hasn’t gotten the hint.  I even took a ‘adult gummy’ and… wired but tired.  Wish that  meant I had enough energy to  clean house, but nope.  

Been having interesting dreams lately.  When I woke up, the  old fiancée (aka the old boyfriend) responded. I have so many questions, and would love to hear his voice.  When I woke up this morning, I was coming out of a dream, and it was of him, and he said  ‘just call me already’.  Also, as I am writing, the song “Life’s a Mess”  by Juice WRLD and Halsey…One of the lyrics is ‘Thank God I finally found you”  And that’s the way I feel.  I have looked off and on throughout the years, after seeing the picture of us, the night he asked me to marry him.. I am glad I finally found him.  I do wonder if he ever looked for me?  Ever wondered about me?  I did have all my socials wide open for years, then I felt the need to lock them down.  

To be honest, it’s hard  not to let my mind and heart drift a bit. And part of me is like “geese girl, you are 56!”, but  how does a 56 year old act? I don’t know, I’m still new at this LOL.

I just kinda feel like  I have a new lease on life.  I’m excited to see what is around the corner.   Maybe the fear has loosened its grip on me, and I was able to wiggle out if its grasp.  Who knew that getting a reactivated EBV instead of a hard crash, would give me hope.  

Now I do like to describe myself as an optimistic realest.  And I feel extremely optimistic.  I know there will be some hard times ahead, and lots of ups and downs. But ultimately I know that I will land on my feet, and be able to  hit the ground walking.